Crossfire: Volume I
by voightsgirl
Summary: Detectives Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead take on a challenge when a child from Erin's past shows up and desperately needs their help – whether the kid knows it or not. How do the two of them cope when their relationship is pushed to the limit and they are forced to confront everything they've never said? Linstead family. Set a few years after the Season 4 finale.
1. Contents and Information

**_CROSSFIRE: VOLUME I_**

Detectives Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead take on a challenge when a face from Erin's past shows up and desperately needs their help – whether she knows it or not. How do the two of them cope when their relationship is pushed to the limit and they are forced to confront everything they've never said? Set a few years after the Season 4 finale.

 ** _CONTENTS_**

 ** _1._** ** _One Day_**

 ** _2._** ** _Owen_**

 ** _3._** ** _Have Fun Saving The World_**

 ** _4._** ** _Avery_**

 ** _5._** ** _Start Talking_**

 ** _6._** ** _Tell Her That it Wasn't Her Fault_**

 ** _7._** ** _Where Are the Words?_**

 ** _8._** ** _A Hundred Percent_**

 ** _9._** ** _Photographs_**

 ** _10._** ** _Tell Bunny I Said Hi_**

 ** _11._** ** _Grief Like That is in the Small Print_**

 ** _12._** ** _The Next Erin Lindsay_**

 ** _13._** ** _Been There, Done That_**

 ** _14._** ** _You'll Be Safe_**

 ** _15._** ** _Leave the Pancakes to Me_**

 ** _16._** ** _Fight For Her_**

 ** _17._** ** _The Best Chance She Has_**

 ** _18._** ** _It Never Gets Easier_**

 ** _19._** ** _Who You Want Her To Become_**

 ** _20._** ** _I'm Not Gonna Choose_**

 ** _21._** ** _The Bell Jar_**

 ** _22._** ** _The Silence Of Their Own Silence_**

 ** _23\. Don't Stop Punching_**

 ** _That Girl_**

 ** _25._** ** _It's Over_**

 ** _26._** ** _What We Discussed A Few Months Ago_**

 ** _27._** ** _To My Kids_**

 ** _28._** ** _Understood_**

 ** _29._** ** _Christmas (With the Foster Mom's Foster Dad)_**

 ** _30._** ** _Pizza would be great_**


	2. One Day

**_~ NOVEMBER 2018 ~_**

 ** _CHAPTER ONE: ONE DAY_**

She got the call as she and Jay were driving to work that morning.

"Nat?" Erin yawned in greeting, still drowsy from the early wake-up call Hank had dealt her despite their late night the previous evening.

"Hey, Erin."

"Hi, Natalie," Jay chimed in, just to let her know that she was on speaker in case this was a particularly urgent, and private, conversation. Erin grinned at him in thanks.

"Jay," his brother's fiancée acknowledged warmly.

"What's up? Is everything okay?" Erin asked her friend.

Although Erin and Natalie had begun to see a lot more of each other recently – a combination of both of the girls' relationships with each Halstead brother and the correlation between Natalie's shift at Med and Erin's shift at the twenty first district – they weren't quite close enough for 6am phone calls. Not just yet.

"So, um," Natalie sounded worried. "I feel _awful_ having to ask you guys this. I know you have a lot on your plate at the moment with your case and all, but Will and I are supposed to be going out for dinner with the parents tonight, and Helen just rang to say she's caught a virus and doesn't want to pass it on to Owen, so she can't watch him...normally I'd postpone, but my parents are only in town for a few days and I don't want to make them -"

"We got you covered," Erin cut in, although Jay noticed the color draining from her face. "Right Jay?"

Jay nodded enthusiastically. Erin gestured at him, reminding him that Natalie couldn't see him, and he added, "Totally – I can't wait to spend some quality time with my future nephew!"

"We'll babysit the little guy. What time do you want us there?" Erin asked.

"Seven-thirty, give or take. Thanks so much for doing this, you guys, you're lifesavers!"

When she hung up, Erin turned to face her partner, a look of absolute horror on her face. She had felt her stomach drop the minute her friend had mentioned Owen. She loved the kid, sure, but she'd had exactly two experiences in babysitting. And, both times, that was because the kid had been a victim of a sex-trafficking ring and needed to stay in protective custody overnight. Somehow, she didn't think babysitting Natalie's seven year-old was going to require quite the same skill set.

She looked over at Jay again, peeling her eyes from the road in the hope of some reassurance.

"Owen's a great kid. It'll be a piece of cake," he tried.

Erin just nodded and swallowed, as they pulled into the car park of the twenty-first district.

It wasn't that she didn't _like_ children. She did. Nothing made her heart swell up with hope and happiness more than when she saw kids laughing or playing in the park a couple of blocks away from their apartment or when she got to reunite missing kids with their parents at work. In fact, she'd always envisioned her and Jay having kids of their own one day, and the thought of baby "Linsteads" (as Will had taken to calling them, after he nearly choked on his beer one time when Erin had come home early, and, expecting to see only Jay in the kitchen, had barked, _"Halstead! Can you_ stop _moving my shoes?"_ He found it hilarious that when they were getting annoyed or sassy with each other, they slipped back into calling each other by their last name. Something Jay had evidently picked up from his army days, and it had started to rub off on Erin) running around the house made her nearly giddy with longing. Sure, she wanted kids. And she wanted them with Jay. But not _now._

She hadn't had _any_ experience in childcare, and she couldn't exactly rely on her own upbringing to guide her. Something told her that Natalie wouldn't be too impressed with her if she resorted to snorting coke in front of her seven-year-old as Bunny had apparently deemed appropriate when Erin was growing up.

Not only that, but she wanted this friendship with Natalie to work out.

Since Natalie and Will started to date officially about two years ago, Erin had found herself spending much more time with the doctor, as well as her colleagues, much to her pleasure. She often found that, being a cop, she didn't get enough female company, and so when Jay had suggested that she and Nat grab some drinks after shift some time, Erin willingly obliged. Originally, she'd just gone along with it because she knew that Will and Natalie were getting serious, and, Will being Jay's brother, she'd have to get along with the _potential_ in-laws sooner or later, but after their third or fourth drinks date – which had, by this point, transformed into lunch dates, when Natalie could squeeze in an hour during her shift and Erin didn't have a particularly heavy case load, to save Natalie the trouble of finding a babysitter for her son – they'd really started to click. Soon after that, Erin had insisted Kim, Gabby, and Haley join them, and Natalie brought along April and Sarah.

In no time at all, they had monthly girls' nights, and even though Erin had initially complained to Jay about them sometimes, saying she'd rather just have a night in with him, she secretly loved the company once she got there. Maggie started to come, too, which prompted Gabby to bring along Stella and Sylvie, and soon enough, after the Intelligence Unit had started to work even closer alongside the team over at the State's Attorney's office, Anna Vasquez and Laura Nagel had begun to join in from time to time, too.

They would drink and chat and laugh together, and talk about the things that you could only really talk about with a group of women around you, and Erin had learned to lean on these ladies almost as much as she leaned on her unit at work. Some of them liked to talk about things openly – especially Gabby, Erin had noticed, who _loved_ to let off steam whenever she'd had yet another run in with one of her superiors – while others just preferred to keep their personal lives very much that, like herself.

She'd become more accustomed to sharing, especially after she and Jay had moved back in together a few months back and they'd promised never to lie to each other, or to hide things from each other, again – but the idea of confiding in multiple people at once was still pretty daunting. So usually, when she had something she wanted to get off her chest, it was on one of her weekly lunch dates with Natalie. And Erin didn't want to ruin this, albeit still new, friendship that they were forming, and screwing up while looking after her new friend's _child_ may end up doing just that.

Jay had noticed her dread at having to look after a child, and he couldn't quite understand why. He remembered a case they worked a few years back, where they discovered a nine year old girl tied up in her foster home, covered in bruises and the apparent victim of sex-trafficking, and Erin had been so shaken by the incident that she didn't let the girl leave her sight for _days._ This was before Jay had moved in with her the first time, and Erin had insisted on letting the girl – Avery, he remembered her name was – stay with her until Erin could personally help DCFS to sort out a suitable foster placement.

She had been _amazing_ with that little girl. Avery hadn't had any possessions of her own, so Erin had given her an old CPD T-shirt of hers and let her keep it, as well as buying her, at no small expense, a suitcase full of clothes. She'd let her sleep in her bed, and Erin had taken the couch, because she wanted the girl to be as comfortable as possible after her ordeal, and Jay remembered a frantic phone call he'd gotten from her at two in the morning, when Avery had had an awful nightmare; she'd woken up screaming and crying and refused to go anywhere near the bed afterwards. Erin had called Jay the second she heard her stirring in the other room, and he'd rushed over, worried, not just about the nine-year-old who was having a full-blown panic attack, but also because Erin had been practically sobbing down the line for his help. She couldn't bear to see this kid in so much pain.

When he got there, however, it turned out that his dramatic rescue attempt had been futile. Erin had taken Avery into the living room and they were sat on the couch together, the soft glow of the television illuminating Erin's face as she looked down at the sleeping, fragile girl that had nestled her head into Erin's lap and had fallen back asleep, with the tear tracks still fresh on her pale and innocent face. Erin was humming softly, staring into space instead of actually watching the documentary on the television, and she turned her head to face Jay as he opened the door using the _very secret_ key under the front doormat.

She'd put her finger to her lips and pointed at the body curled up next to her, rising and falling softly with the stable rhythm of sleep, and she'd just nodded her head at the documentary playing.

"Works every time," she had whispered, and his eyes, too, had nearly filled with tears, remembering the first night he was the one in Avery's position, and, not knowing what to do to calm him down, Erin had guided him into the living room and together they had curled up, watching David Attenborough, until the sun peaked over the skyline and they had made it through another night together.

Jay smiled, remembering her dedication to this girl whom she barely knew. He just had to open his eyes to see what a wonderful mother Erin Lindsay would be one day, so he couldn't work out why she was so nervous about babysitting Owen. He wasn't going to have any panic attacks. He was only seven – he'd probably be in bed when they got there, and besides, all he'd want to do if he wasn't would be watch TV or play with stuffed animals or something. That's what seven year old boys did, right?

"Psst!"

Jay snapped out of his thoughts and looked up from where his head had been buried in an ever-mounting pile of unfinished paperwork.

He rolled his eyes at how dramatic she was sometimes. "What's the matter?" He asked, ducking into the room with her.

"Just pretend we're making coffee," she instructs him, and stands facing him at the counter, angling herself perfectly so that if one were to walk past, they would only see Jay's back.

"Okay...?" Jay was now entirely confused.

"So. I downloaded a guide on how to take care of young kids and it said that if we've never looked after him before, we should try bringing something as a gift that he would like. A sort of peace offering?"

"Erin, you know we're only babysitting for a couple of hours, right? All we've gotta do is make sure he doesn't break anything. Or himself."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "Jay, Will and Natalie are _engaged_. Owen is going to be your _nephew_. That means we have to get him to like us, or else Thanksgiving is not going to be fun."

"Okay," Jay breathed. "I take your point. But I've spent loads of time with Owen. He knows me. Last time he even called me 'Uncle Jay'."

Erin smiled at how at ease her boyfriend seemed with this whole situation. "But I haven't. I've never been trusted with anything like this before, okay? It's kind of a big deal. And I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. What if we completely screw up and Natalie never wants to talk to me again, or something goes awfully wrong, what then?"

"Erin," Jay says firmly, but she carries on.

"What if I'm really bad at it?"

Jay frowned. "At what?"

"Parenting," Erin whispered, and Jay finally understood where all this was coming from.

He put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed them gently. It was the closest they ever got to PDA at work, but he needed her to know he understood. "Erin, it's only a couple of hours. No one is asking you to be his parent."

"That's not the point, Jay," she sighed. "What if _nothing_ goes wrong?"

He frowned. _That_ wasn't what he'd expected. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," she almost looked ashamed as she said it. "I'm used to broken households. I've spent my whole life clearing up their messes. I can deal with drug addicts, and alcoholics, and abusive boyfriends and panic attacks and absentee parents. I don't _know_ how normal families…you know. _Work._ "

He took a sharp intake of breath at her words. He'd never thought about it like that. She was always so strong, especially recently – she'd had to be strong, for him – that he sometimes forgot that she was just as broken as he was. "Erin, listen to me. You're not Bunny."

She just shrugged sadly. "But if I'm not there to fix things, then…"

"Then what?"

"I don't know. I'll have to rely on them _liking_ me, instead of just being grateful to me, or indebted to me somehow…I don't know _._ "

Jay practically scoffed. "Trust me, babe. I don't think Owen is gonna have _any_ trouble with liking you."

She nodded, although she seemed unconvinced by his words. Jay looked over his shoulder to see if anyone in the bullpen was watching, and seeing that the coast was clear, wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"Trust me," he whispered into her hair.

She pulled back, and although her big, soft, hazel eyes still looked a little sad, her mouth had turned into a pout, and the corners were threatening to turn upwards into a small smile.

She handed him the mug of coffee she'd made him. "Thanks," she pouted again. "I love you. Here's your coffee."

He grinned. He couldn't actually wait for the evening. Not just because he wanted to spend some quality time with his nephew-to-be, but also so that he could show Erin just what a wonderful mother she'd make one day.

One day. When the time came.


	3. Owen

**_CHAPTER TWO: OWEN_**

Erin let Jay drive them to Will and Natalie's place that evening. Partially because she had only been there a handful of times and she was confident that Jay, with his almost compulsive need to be everywhere on time, wouldn't get them lost, but also partly so that she could read an article about babysitting out loud to her very confused looking boyfriend.

"Okay so," she said for about the seventeenth time. "All we need to do is make sure he gets tired out enough to sleep well, right? Like having a dog. We just run him around a bit until he wants a nap?"

Jay shrugged. "I guess so. Did you put all the games in the trunk?"

Erin frowned, and craned her neck around the seat to check. Sure enough, there were boxes upon boxes of kids' games. Erin had forced Jay to come via a gas station and, unimpressed at the somewhat limited quantity of kids' toys, she's bought the lot. She nodded. "Check."

He laid a hand on her knee, noticing that it was bobbing up and down furiously. She'd been playing it cool, but this was her only tell that she was still nervous as hell. "Hey. We're gonna be fine."

"Yeah," Erin said simply. "I know."

The car pulled into the huge driveway of a large, suburban house and Jay turned the key in the ignition. Before getting out, he leaned over to his girlfriend and planted a reassuring kiss on her forehead. "Besides, you have me for backup. Owen loves me. Actually, I think he _idolizes_ me. I'm quite cool, you know."

She just snorted and punched his shoulder. "Get out of here," she laughed as they both clambered out.

"Will!" Natalie yelled from the other room. "Have you seen my earrings?"

A nicely dressed Will Halstead appeared in the entrance to their bedroom and leaned on the doorframe nonchalantly. "These ones?" he grinned, holding up the most beautiful earrings that Natalie had ever seen in her life. Her jaw dropped.

"No…?" she murmured, but it was more of a question. She started towards him, dressed in a tight but flattering magenta dress and gold wedges. Her hair was tied up loosely in a messy bun, and she wore a gold locket around her throat that, when opened, had two photographs in it. One of Owen, and one of her late husband, Jeff. "Why…?"

Will walked towards her. "They belonged to my mother," he said, and his eyes shifted from Natalie's in the way that they always did when the subject of his mom was brought up. He swallowed before continuing. "I've been trying to pluck up the courage to give them to you for months now. Honestly, it was harder than giving you the ring."

Natalie laughed. That was _such_ a classic Will thing to say. He was so dorky and awkward, but she loved him nonetheless. She rolled her eyes and reached up, putting her hands around her fiancé's neck and stroked the back of his hair. "They're so beautiful, Will. Are you sure…?"

Will just shushed her dramatically and started to clumsily try to put them in her ears. Natalie winced, scrunching up her nose in protest and laughing slightly as Will just handed them to her gingerly. "Sorry. Not my area of expertise."

Natalie giggled and kissed him, before returning to her makeup.

At that second, the doorbell rang and Natalie cussed under her breath.

"Mommy!" Owen screeched from the other room. "Uncle Jay is here!"

Natalie and Will made eye contact and both snorted with laughter at the sound of his excited little voice, followed by his excited little footsteps that pattered across the floor. "I'll get it," Will muttered and left Natalie alone to finish getting ready. She looked into the mirror, smiling at how stunning the earrings were and laughing when she heard Owen squeal in delight at the sight of Jay, who immediately picked him up and put him on his shoulders.

"Hey, bud," he said. "Have you grown since last Thursday?"

Natalie emerged from their bedroom at long last, looking like an absolute princess, and joined Will in the living room with Jay.

"Where's Erin?" she queried.

"Erin's coming?" Will frowned, turning to look at Jay. His eyebrow was raised slightly and, although Natalie could sense something was going on, she didn't want to press what she knew was highly confidential and highly telepathic brotherly communication.

"Yeah, she was right…" Jay gestured behind him and saw that Erin wasn't, in fact, right there. He frowned. "Erin?" he called out into the hallway.

"One second!" came a slightly muffled cry from down the hall. A few seconds later, Erin appeared, carrying a huge stack of board games and two whole shopping bags full of snacks. She set them down on the floor and stood up quickly, dusting herself down dramatically. "Sorry about that," she breathed, and looked up at everyone staring at her.

"Erin, you didn't have to…." Natalie began, but she was interrupted by Owen, who practically flew off of Jay's shoulders to lunge at Erin.

"Auntie Erin!" he screamed, flinging himself into her arms. Erin laughed at his eagerness, and all her worries seemed to melt away when she saw the way that his eyes positively lit up at the sight of all the food she'd brought.

"Hey, Owen," she chuckled, and she grabbed him into a huge bear hug and began tickling his chin. He squealed in delight.

"Hang on a second!" she stopped suddenly, a hint of alarm in her voice. She turned Owen around and held onto him tightly by the shoulders. Will and Natalie's expressions turned suddenly concerned too, but Jay was smirking slightly. He could see the tiniest hint of a smile playing in her dimples – so small that he knew only he had picked up on it. "Have you…? Oh no," she breathed, looking Owen up and down. "This is not good." She shook her head gravely as if she was delivering some terrible news.

"What?" Owen whispered, turning back around to face Erin. "What's the matter?"

Erin just shook her head. "You _have_ grown. I think you're nearly as tall as me, bud!"

Owen's face lit up. "Did you hear that, Mommy? I'm as tall as _Erin!"_ he seemed genuinely delighted.

Jay snorted. "Not that hard, babe," he whispered under his breath, which earned him a mock punch from his girlfriend.

"Hey, Jay. Can I get you a beer?" Will offered, and Jay nodded, following him into the kitchen. Owen ran alongside them, his bare feet making a soft patter on the floor that made Erin giggle. "Erin?" Will offered her.

"I'm good, thanks," she shook her head.

"I see you guys have got it covered," Natalie chuckled when the two women were left alone. She gestured to the bags and the games.

"We just wanted to come prepared," Erin seemed slightly embarrassed now by how much effort she had put in. Luckily, her friend understood.

"You're gonna be fine," she reassured her. "Owen is _usually_ a sweetheart, and when he isn't, you've already discovered the secret weapon. Tickling."

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Works every time," Natalie smirked.

"You look stunning, Nat, by the way," Erin remarked, raising her eyebrows at how dazzling her friend looked. "Will is one lucky guy."

Natalie blushed. "Thanks, Erin," she whispered. _And I am one lucky girl,_ she thought to herself, thinking of the earrings she now wore.

The three boys came out of the kitchen, Jay carrying a beer and Will carrying Owen carrying a carton of apple juice, and they walked towards the front door.

"Okay. Bedtime can be any time between nine and ten, since it's a Friday and Owen has been _dying_ to spend some time with you guys for ages. He thinks you're so cool. The cop couple," she joked. "Seriously, though. If you need anything, you know where to call."

"Thanks, Nat," Jay leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

Owen came up behind Erin and slipped his hand into hers. This kid was really very good at adjusting to change – and Erin wondered if Will had helped him with that.

"You guys have fun!" Erin called as they waved goodbye to the retreating couple. "Don't get too drunk!"

Owen looked puzzled. "What does drunk mean?" he asked Erin.

"Uh…" she and Jay made eye contact. _Uh-oh._ She looked down at the seven year old. "Mommy will tell you," she said, and led the kid back into the living room, leaving Jay to snicker silently at Erin's blush and shut the door behind them. This was gonna be a long night.

 _Oh, God._ Erin thought to herself after the first few hours. _This was so much harder than I expected._

The irony was, however, it was difficult for _totally_ different reasons than what she had expected.

She had absolutely no trouble at _all_ bonding with Owen. He absolutely loved her, and you could see that he did in fact idolize Jay, so that wasn't the problem.

The problem was, he had so much. Freaking. _Energy_.

"Psst," Erin beckoned Jay from where she was crouched behind the sofa.

He grinned at her, did a dramatic drop roll and came up on his knees right next to her. "What's up?"

"I swear this kid is just getting more energetic with every passing second," she whispered furiously.

"He must be getting tired. It'll only be another half hour or so and he'll be out like a light."

Erin cocked an eyebrow. "Sure?" she pouted.

Jay feigned offence. "Anyone would think you didn't _like_ babysitting, Erin Lindsay."

"Oh no," she insisted. "I do like babysitting." Jay raised an eyebrow and smirked at her change in attitude. "What I don't like," she continued, "is still being awake at eleven thirty when I was given strict instructions to put the kid to bed by ten _and_ we have to be at the district at seven tomorrow morning."

The color seemed to drain from Jay's face. "What?!" he exclaimed.

"You haven't seen Hank's message? He thinks he found something earlier. He wants us in ASAP in the morning to run down some new leads. We're getting close."

Jay groaned. "I –"

But whatever he was about to say was drowned out by a huge "hiiiiiyaaa!" coming from a very rapidly approaching seven year old dressed in a bright green dinosaur onesie.

He sprang out of nowhere and jumped onto Jay's back, pinning his sticky tag onto the grown man, who looked like a startled rabbit. Erin laughed and stuck her tongue out at him, and he shook his head at her competitiveness even in a game orchestrated by a seven year old.

"I win!" he roared, and jumped up, doing a victory dance.

"Okay buddy, you win," Jay smiled down at him, holding his hands up in defeat. "Do you think it's nearly time for bed now?" he asked, hoping that seven year olds were old enough to be able to take a hint.

"Nope!" Owen yelled and ran into the hallway, where the bags of games and toys that Erin had brought were still lying stacked against the wall. "We haven't even started!"

Owen's favorite game was called "Battlefields", they discovered, when he insisted that they overturn the sofas – _"It's fine, Mommy lets me do it all the time!"_ – at either end of the living room and each take a different 'base'. Owen got the huge couch, and Erin the second one, after she insisted Jay "owed her one" after that comment about her height earlier, and so Jay was left with a small armchair that sat by the kitchen door. The aim of the game after that was to slip by, unnoticed, into another person's 'base' and pin this sticky tag (in the form of a piece of paper and scotch tape) on the other person.

It was slightly unfair, as it was relatively easier to spot Jay when he moved, and his tall, fully grown and muscular figure made his hiding spot pretty pointless. Erin fared slightly better because her tactic was just to stay totally still, opting for defense rather than attack, and since she was small and agile, she could still move if needed be.

But of course, neither of the two adults, however specially trained they were in police maneuvers and tactics, stood a chance against the seven year old with a polystyrene sword and dinosaur costume. All he had to do was look at them and they'd "trip over" and allow him to catch them.

Jay stood up, looking around at the carnage they had created in the living room. There were games everywhere – Owen hadn't been too interested in actually _playing_ most of the board games, but he had enjoyed taking them all out of the wrapping and inspecting them – as well as empty cartons of apple juice, which Erin suspected was the cause of all his sudden energy.

The kid re-entered the room, but this time, his hands were empty. Erin and Jay exchanged glances and silently prayed that this meant he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

"I have the _bestest_ idea," Owen's eyes were wild and his whole face seemed lit up underneath his little green hood. " _Ever."_

"Going to bed?" Erin suggested in defeat.

Owen burst out laughing, and his tiny giggles made both of them laugh despite their terror at what this "idea" was going to be.

"What, bud?" asked Jay.

"We can build a _fort!"_ Owen ran to the sofa and started trying to drag it into the center of the room, and when he realized that he was only small and that it would be a far better idea to force Jay to do the heavy lifting, he opted for moving the cushions instead.

Erin suddenly had an idea. "I know," she said, reaching down and grabbing the little monster, lifting him into her arms and sitting him on her lap where she could talk to him properly. "How about we make a deal?"

"What's a deal?" Owen asked innocently.

"It's like," Erin paused, trying to think of the right words.

"Is it like getting drunk?" Owen said, and, despite herself, Erin snorted. She couldn't believe he still remembered the word. Oops. She'd have fun trying to explain _that_ one to Will and Natalie.

"Um, no. Not quite." She giggled.

She hadn't realized, but the sight of her playing with Owen made Jay's heart pang with longing. He was staring down at her with big, soft eyes, a small smile on his lips as he was firmly reminded of how much he wanted a family – with Erin. And she'd already proved to him how wonderful she was with children – hell; he already knew what an amazing mom she'd be. She just needed to see it for herself.

"It's like a promise," she continued, oblivious to what was going on inside that head of his. "But it goes both ways. So, I promise that Jay and I –" Jay snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of his name. "—will build you the _bestest_ fort you have ever seen in your whole tiny life, and in return, you'll promise to go to sleep afterwards."

"But I'm not tired!" Owen protested.

Jay grinned. "How about you go to sleep in the fort?" he suggested, and, if possible, the little boy's face lit up even more.

"For reals?" he sounded on the verge of tears. "Like camping?"

Jay chuckled. "Exactly like camping."

Owen launched himself off of Erin's lap and into Jay's arms. "Thank you, Uncle Jay. You are the best babysitter in the _world!"_ he paused for a second, and then ran back over to Erin to throw his arms around her too. "Second best," he corrected himself, smiling up at Erin in adoration.

"Can't argue with that," Jay walked over to where the two were sitting, and kissed Erin on the top of the head. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she leaned into his shoulder.

"Ewwww!" screeched Owen, and her eyes jolted open again. "You _kissed!"_

Erin and Jay burst out laughing. "Okay, you." Erin jabbed a finger at the tiny, and disproportionately noisy, youngster, and shooed him away. "Let's get making this fort then, shall we?"

After about an hour of long and tiring fort building, they had got it all set up. Jay had helped himself to another beer and was sat on the couch that hadn't made it into their luxurious design, and, when Erin had finally persuaded the kid to go and brush his teeth, she sat down next to him.

"Kids are hard work," she said, and yawned, right on cue.

"You look exhausted," Jay commented.

She shrugged. "Yeah. But this was fun." She shifted closer towards him on the couch and snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Thank you," she whispered.

Jay looked puzzled. "For what?"

"For…I don't know. Everything. Making me happier than I ever thought I could be."

He smiled. "Right back at you, you know. I love you."

Erin's eyes grew heavy and drifted closed. "I love you too," she murmured.

She really was exhausted, though. She could feel sleep tugging at her from where she lay, and she wanted more than anything to give up and fall asleep right where she was, against Jay's body. But just as her head started to lull backwards onto his shoulder and the weight of the day lift up from her own, she heard a tiny voice yelling her name.

"Erin!" Owen shouted excitedly from the bathroom. "I want to show you my bedroom!"

She groaned and opened one eye lazily. "See what I mean?" she yawned. "Hard. Work."

Jay stood up. He grinned at her and reached for the cushion that lay discarded on the floor, chucking it straight at her head. It hit her – of course; although she liked to tease him about how her aim was better than his, he was still one hell of a shot – and this woke her up. She chucked it straight back at him.

"Dick," she muttered darkly under her breath, completely unaware that Owen had reentered the room.

"What's dick?" he asked innocently, and Jay snorted.

Erin raised her hand to her face in disbelief and horror. She looked down at him. "Mommy will tell you. You wanted to show me your room?" she changed the subject quickly, and luckily, Owen moved right along with her.

Erin took the little boy's hand and he lead her out of the room, looking over her shoulder at Jay just in time to see him mouth _nice one_ at her and give her two incredibly sarcastic thumbs up. She let go of Owen, making sure that he definitely wasn't looking this time as she stuck her middle finger up at a smirking Jay.


	4. Have Fun Saving the World

_**CHAPTER THREE: HAVE FUN SAVING THE WORLD**_

The dinner with Natalie's parents and Will's dad went better than expected. Will was more nervous about his dad meeting Natalie than he was about himself meeting Natalie's parents, but in the end he had nothing to worry about.

He had never had a very healthy relationship with his father, but whatever was going on between the two of them was nothing compared to the relationship Jay had with him. Will wasn't even that sure himself of what had happened to make them hold each other at arm's length – although, he guessed it was better than when they didn't see each other at all a few years back – and he had never quite plucked up the courage to ask Jay. Firstly, because he didn't want to push, and because he knew Jay's issues with their dad went back further than his deployment days, but also partly because he was afraid he'd find out something awful about his father that made him want to hold him at arm's length, too. Ignorance was bliss, after all. Or at least, he'd pretend that it was the case for as long as possible to save him from whatever potential hell clarity would be.

But he forgot about all of that, albeit temporarily, over dinner that night. He felt completely at ease around Natalie's family: her parents were so, so lovely, and although Will had been slightly worried that they would resent him because they might think he was trying to replace Jeff, he couldn't have felt more welcome. Not to mention, nothing made him happier than seeing his beautiful fiancée so happy, and from the second they walked into the restaurant and saw her parents sitting there waiting for them, the smile that had graced her striking features was worth it.

Besides, his dad had actually made an effort. He had dressed up in a suit and tie, and had even tried to comb his hair, standing up to greet his son and pulling him in to a manly hug. He'd told stories about what Will was like growing up, and he asked Natalie and her family polite questions. He'd even brought flowers for her parents.

Will wasn't sure where it had all come from, but he was more than grateful. He was absolutely overjoyed by how the evening had turned out.

It had gone so well, in fact, that they were only returning home at a quarter past one in the morning, walking up the driveway, arms linked and still laughing and talking about the night. They didn't want it to end.

They reached the front door and Natalie fumbled for a key.

"I wonder how Erin and Jay are doing?" she whispered.

"Hmm," Will wondered aloud. "Can I tell you a secret?" he turned to face her and she nodded.

"Sure…?"

"Jay said to me that he's gonna bring up the discussion of having kids of their own soon." He wasn't sure why he told her that, exactly. He probably shouldn't have. But he was absolutely _useless_ at keeping secrets. The complete opposite of his brother, in that respect.

Natalie looked delighted. "Oh my God! That's huge!"

Will shrugged. "He said Erin might need some persuading, though. Hence…" he gestured to the house.

Natalie shoved him. "Get out. That's why you suggested Jay to babysit? So he'd bring Erin?"

Will grinned.

"My fiancé, the master of setups."

He laughed at that, and pulled her in for a long, slow kiss. "I love you," he said when they broke apart, and she pulled back, looking up at him.

"Love you too, Will," she smiled. "I can't wait to be your wife."

She turned back to opening the door and together they made their way inside.

Natalie stopped dead in her tracks the second her foot crossed the threshold.

"What?" Will whispered, alarmed.

"Where _are_ they?" Natalie whispered back.

"Oh. Probably just watching a movie or something in the living room? You told them how to work the TV, right?"

She nodded, but she was still frowning. It was so _quiet._

She left Will to hang up his coat and she headed down the corridor to check in on Erin and Jay. Will hung back, noticing the trail of carnage along the hallway floor. He frowned. Maybe Natalie was right to be worried. _What the hell had happened?_

He heard a stifled giggle coming from where Natalie was stood, looking into the living room.

"Will?" came a whisper. "Come and look at this!"

He followed her into the next room and saw an enormous fort that had been built in the middle of the room, using the mantelpiece and the armchair as supports for Owen's green dinosaur duvet, which was draped from them to the ground to make a sort of tent.

But what made him nearly burst out laughing was the sight of his brother lying, fast asleep and on his back on the couch, his mouth slightly open, and his arms wrapped tightly around a sleeping Erin, her head resting on his chest and her hair splayed through his fingers, letting out a soft snore, and the huge black moustaches that had been inked over their sleeping faces. Just at that moment, Owen came crashing out from his fort, dressed in his favorite dinosaur onesie and armed with a black marker in one hand and his polystyrene sword in the other.

Natalie opened her mouth in shock that he was _still_ awake, and turned to face Will.

They were both about to whisper-scold him for not being in bed, when he made a dramatic shushing sign with his fingers (or with the pen, really).

"Shh!" he whispered aggressively, after he realized that they were his parents and not an intruder coming to disturb his hideout. "You'll wake them!"

He turned around on his heels and went back inside his fort. Natalie went to follow him, but Will grabbed her by the elbow. Pointing at the white fluffy paw that protruded from under where the duvet met the cushions, he smirked. "I think he wants to sleep there, tonight," he whispered into her hair, snaking his arms around her from behind as they both watched the sight before them.

And sure enough, when they went to check on him a few minutes later, he was curled in a little ball on the floor of his fort, clutching his white rabbit stuffed toy and sucking his thumb, completely unconscious.

"Shall we wake them?" Will asked Natalie, returning to his normal speaking voice once they had left the three sleeping beauties in the living room and retreated to their bedroom. "I'm pretty sure they'll have work tomorrow. They might want to get home beforehand."

Natalie just shook her head. "Nah. They can sleep on the couch together. We can wake them up early and I'll make them breakfast to say thank you. It looks like Owen really did have fun tonight."

Will snorted. "They really will make great parents one day, won't they?"

Natalie nodded. "For sure. Owen _adores_ them, and he's only known Erin for a couple of months."

They drifted into a comfortable silence, getting ready for bed, until Will said finally, "I just really want Jay to be happy, you know? After everything he and Erin have been through…" he shrugged. "If anyone should make it, it's them."

* * *

Erin opened one eye lazily. Taking in her surroundings, she was temporarily confused about where she was and why her neck hurt like _hell_ – until, of course, she saw the sunlight streaming in through the curtains and casting a soft glow onto a sleeping Owen, who had shifted in the night so that his head was sticking out from underneath his fort. She propped herself up, surprised that she had woken before Jay (this _never_ happened) and allowed herself to bathe in the peacefulness of the morning. Jay was lying underneath her and her still tired body was squished in between him and the back of the sofa. His arms were still around her, and they were still wearing the clothes from the night before – but when Erin looked at his face, she snorted so loudly she thought she'd probably woken up the whole neighborhood.

"What?" Jay said sleepily, which just made Erin laugh even harder, trying to keep it silent.

"Your – face!" she spluttered.

Jay opened one eye. He blinked once or twice, as disoriented as she had been when he remembered where they were. "Yeah? What about it? It's –" he stopped, staring at her.

"Oh, no," Erin began, reading his expression. "Mine too?"

Jay shook his head, chuckling softly. "If we have to go to work like this, I swear to God…" he trailed off, and they turned to face each other in panic.

 _Work._

Oh, _shit._

She reached over for her phone – it was only six thirty, praise the _Lord_ – as Jay sat up drowsily and stretched before standing up as quickly as possible to join her, and they ran from the room together. They reached the door and grabbed their jackets in a hurry, quickly trying to slip their shoes on so that they could slip out unnoticed and maybe make their way to the district in time. Stopping off via their place to clean their faces, of course.

"Morning," came Natalie's voice from behind them.

They froze. They must've looked like _idiots,_ practically stumbling over each other in the half-light of the hallway, hair tousled and messy from a night on the couch and their clothes crumpled. They turned to face her.

Taking in their expressions – and the black moustaches that had apparently survived the night – Natalie burst out laughing. They saw that she was holding two steaming mugs of coffee and they exhaled, so in sync that it made Natalie shake her head.

"Here you go," she held out the mugs and the pair took them sheepishly. "You didn't think you could take off without breakfast, did you?"

"Thanks, Nat, but we should really get going to work—" Jay started, but Natalie held up a finger to silence him.

"I've already made pancakes," she grinned, and that was all the persuasion Erin needed. She led the way into the kitchen.

"So, how was he last night?" Natalie raised an eyebrow when all the adults, Will included – looking vaguely disgruntled at being woken at six thirty in the morning – had assembled around the breakfast bar and she had started serving up the pancakes.

Erin and Jay looked at each other. "Um," Erin began. "We had fun," she said.

Will didn't look convinced. "You sure? You sound like you're just saying that."

Erin shook her head, relaxing slightly. "No, I did. He's an amazing kid."

Natalie smiled. "Yeah, he is."

"Listen, Nat, about the fort," Jay began, but Natalie just shook her head.

"It's okay," she laughed. "He said he had a _great_ time."

The two babysitters froze. "He – uh – he _said?"_ Erin swallowed.

"Oh yeah," Will said. "Seemed he had a hell of a night."

They both looked at the ground in embarrassment. Had they really screwed up by not being strict enough?

"Relax, you two," Natalie said after a few moments of watching them panic. "He was still awake when we got back, but you two were out like a light."

Erin blushed and Jay shifted uncomfortably.

"Sorry about that," Erin apologized. "We tried to get him to go to bed but he just wanted to do more and more, and we thought he had gone to sleep in his fort!"

Will shook his head. "It's okay, you guys. You're in the middle of a tough case, we know, we're sorry we made you come over."

"No, Will, we had fun. Honestly," it was subtle, but Erin could have _sworn_ she saw him wink at his brother. "Both of us."

Will smiled.

"Anyway," Natalie continued, "Owen was very concerned about your safety. He nearly attacked us with his sword when he thought we were intruders. Also," she nodded her head towards the living room, where, through the slight crack in the door, they could just about make out the silhouette of the fort in the center of the room, "that is a pretty awesome fort."

Once they had finished their coffees, they had to get going. "Thanks, guys," Natalie said to them, showing them out. "Sorry if he was a bit over active for you. He definitely got that from Jeff," she smiled at the memory of her late husband.

Erin and Jay chuckled. "Happy to help," Erin assured her friend. "If you ever need anything else, just say the word."

"As long as we're not in the middle of a case, next time," Jay interjected. "Then we might be able to stay conscious long enough to make sure he ends the night in bed and not passed out on the floor."

"Thanks again," Will called from the kitchen, where he had started washing up. "Have fun saving the world!"

At that moment, Owen came plodding from the living room with his white bunny clutched in his hands. "Mommy?" they heard him say just as the front door was closing. "What does dick mean?"

Erin and Jay turned to stare at each other in panicked embarrassment and then, before Natalie could come running out the front door and start hitting them over the head with Mr. Rabbit, they sprinted down the driveway and hurled themselves headlong into their car, Erin in the driver's seat (Jay was glad to see she was back to her usual self). They were so eager to get out of there that they completely forgot they still had black moustaches painted on their faces, and Natalie, after what her seven year old son had just said to her, was in no hurry to tell them.

Of course, they were reminded the second they set foot in the district and were greeted by howling laughter from the rest of the unit.


	5. Avery

**_CHAPTER FOUR: AVERY_**

"Okay, so what do we know?" Jay posed the question to their Sergeant when he and Erin had returned from the locker room, where they had just about managed to scrub all of the marker from their faces.

"Seventeen year-old Luca Sanchez," Sergeant Hank Voight growled, slapping a photograph onto the murderboard. "Ran away from his foster placement two months ago. Last night, he winds up with a bullet in his skull. Same as the others. Still waiting on the tox reports to find out if there were traces of cocaine on him, but I'm almost certain that he's another victim of our guys."

Jay and Erin looked at each other, not understanding why this information made them have to come into work at seven in the morning on a Saturday.

"Okay," Erin said slowly. "And have you found a connection between him and our drug ring yet? Or is he like the rest of them?"

They'd been working a drugs trafficking case for the past three months, after a CI of Ollinsky's had tipped them off about some movement from an old player who hadn't been heard of in over a decade. Kids had started going missing and being found exactly as Luca had been, but so far, nothing.

Ruzek came running in from the break room. "Sarge, I found the connection between Sanchez and our players. You were right."

Voight just nodded. Of course he was right. Erin snorted softly to herself, and then at Ruzek's alarmed expression, coughed to cover it up.

"So there was a lot of red tape to get through over at DCFS, but I sweet talked the lady and managed to get it out of her. Luca Sanchez was taken into care thirteen years ago, after the Feds took down a major drug trafficking operation," Ruzek explained to Jay and Erin. "Luca's father, Carlos Sanchez, was snatched, and his mother killed, but his uncle, the ring leader of the operation and Luca's emergency guardian in case something should happen to his parents, took off. He's been in the wind ever since. You have one guess as to who this uncle is."

Jay raised his hand.

"No way," Burgess breathed. She and Atwater had joined them by now and were standing, opened mouthed, watching Ruzek's big reveal and listening intently.

"Barack Obama," Ollinsky suggested, in his completely serious voice. They all turned to stare at him. Of course, they knew he was joking, but the rare emergence of their co-worker's sense of humor caught them off guard.

"Diego Perez," Voight grunted. "Finally."

They stood in silence for a brief moment, trying to comprehend the fact that they had finally, after _months_ of trying to find a connection between these dead kids and Perez's reappearance, found something to help them.

"So why kill your own nephew?" Erin pondered aloud.

"Yeah, if he was so keen on keeping this operation away from his family and away from any ties to him, surely you wouldn't draw attention to yourself like that?" Atwater agreed.

"Well, I think it's safe to assume that we won't find drug residue on Luca's body," Ollinsky murmured quietly. "I mean, normally Perez targets the rich white kids to do his dirty work for him. Changing MO to popping your nephew doesn't strike me as him just mixing things up a bit. Luca was killed to cover something up."

Voight nodded. "Or else it was a revenge hit. Okay, Halstead, Lindsay – you go to the morgue and see what Dr Robbins has for us."

They nodded and grabbed their jackets, heading down the stairs and out of the district – just in time to miss Sergeant Platt come running up the stairs with a fourteen year old girl.

* * *

"So, how are you feeling after last night?" Jay asked her when they were back in the car and heading downtown to the morgue to pick up the results of Luca's autopsy.

"Hmm?" Erin mumbled, lost in thought. "Sorry, I wasn't really listening. What was that?"

"How was last night?"

She smiled softly to herself and met Jay's eyes in the rear view mirror. "It was fun, I guess."

"You guess?" he nudged her slightly. "I seem to remember the kid absolutely _worshipping_ you!"

Erin laughed slightly at how completely dorky Jay was acting. "Yeah, I suppose I was pretty awesome."

"You're gonna make an amazing mom one day, Erin," he said quietly, all the jokey humor suddenly dissipating from his voice and being replaced with the highest sincerity and, well, love. It was true, seeing her playing with Owen last night had just made him fall in love with her all over again, and he couldn't wait until 'one day' was in the foreseeable future and they could have a family together.

Erin, however, was completely oblivious to Jay's sentiment. "Yeah," she rolled her eyes and brushed the comment off with a laugh. "Like _that's_ going to happen any time soon."

It wasn't intended to be mean – in her exhausted state, she hadn't even picked up on the hint that Jay was trying to drop. She had never even thought about the possibility of her ever becoming a mother. Well, other than to dismiss it. With her job, she didn't think it would be suitable to try to bring up a child, and when you factor in all the complications that she's had over the years what with her upbringing, her drug addiction…it just wouldn't be _fair._ Besides from all that, she had just thought Jay was talking about her when he said that she'd make a great mother. It never occurred to her that maybe, he meant _them._ The two of them becoming parents. Together.

Jay looked out of the window and the rest of the car ride was spent in silence. He was kicking himself for not anticipating the possibility that she wouldn't _want_ kids, for getting his hopes up when they hadn't even brought up the conversation before. He tried to ignore how much it hurt.

* * *

Voight had retreated into his office when he saw the desk sergeant walking up the steps to the bullpen, a small, fragile and scared looking girl who couldn't be more than fourteen behind her. He frowned.

"Trudy?" he greeted her when he had gone out to meet her. "Who's this?"

"This," Platt gestured behind her. The girl had hung back, and was looking around the bullpen in what looked to him like a sort of disgusted admiration. "Is Paige Williams. She wants to speak to you."

"Hi, Paige," he said, doing his best talking-to-kids-voice. "I'm Sergeant Hank Voight. What do you need to talk to me about?"

Paige swallowed. "I –" she started, but as she approached Voight, and therefore the murderboard, she stopped. Looking up at the photograph of Luca Sanchez as they found him at the crime scene, his eyes open and glassy and his head plastered with already-drying blood, she stuttered. "It _is_ him," she choked, affirming to herself all of her apparent suspicions. But she didn't cry, like Voight expected her to. Instead, she whirled around, determination settling in her eyes and on her pursed lips.

"Luca was my friend," she said fiercely. "I want to help you catch whoever did this."

Voight shot a side glance at Trudy, who just looked away. She wasn't getting involved in this one.

"I'll…leave you two to it, then," Trudy smirked, and left the bullpen.

Voight turned back to the girl. "And how do you plan on doing that?" he raised his eyebrows.

Paige swallowed, and then raised her head in defiance and determination. "I saw him get shot. I'm a witness."

Voight stared at her. _What?_

"Did I just hear right?" Atwater appeared in the doorway, Burgess at his elbow.

"You're a witness?" Voight asked her. "You're not having me on?"

Paige just stared at him. "Sergeant, I saw my friend get _murdered._ Do you really think I would lie about that?"

The sergeant just pursed his lips in lieu of giving a response.

"Fine. You want me to prove it to you?" she snapped. "Ask me anything you know."

At that, Voight was stuck. They didn't actually _know_ anything.

Instead of answering, he just led her to the interrogation room. "Sit down," he said gruffly, pointing at the seat behind the desk. "I'll have someone come in and take your statement in a minute."

There was something strangely familiar about the girl, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. _Probably nothing_ , he thought, and he took out his phone.

* * *

"Hey, Hank," Erin greeted her boss when she and Jay got back to the bullpen, the heavy but for the most part futile autopsy files in hand. She nodded at Platt when she entered the district, who had smiled weirdly at her and continued on with whatever she was doing.

"Hey, guys," he swallowed. "You get anything from the autopsy?"

"No. Nothing of value, anyway. No traces of drugs. No sign of sexual assault either, but he had defense wounds all over his body. The kid fought back." She shook her head slightly. These kinds of cases got to everyone, especially those of them with kids at home, like Antonio and Ollinsky, or younger siblings like Atwater. Erin found them tough, too, but not for the same reason – because she knew that if she hadn't been saved by Voight when she was their age, the body in the morgue that morning may very well have been her about eighteen years ago. Mixed up with the wrong crowd, into the wrong stuff – Erin could definitely relate.

"We've got leads this time," he reassured her. And they did. "Big leads, as it turns out."

"W—" Jay started, but Voight was quick to interrupt.

"A young girl, Paige Williams, came by as soon as you left. She claims to be a witness. Says she and Luca were friends."

"Sarge, that's great!" Jay exclaimed. "We can get her to pick our offender out of a line-up, she can testify…"

Voight nodded. "Burgess is in taking her statement now. You might want to sit in."

Erin nodded. She and Jay made their way down the hallway and slipped into the observation room behind the window mirror of the interrogation room. But what they saw made both their hearts sink deep into the pits of their stomachs, and Erin let out a gasp so loud it made an almost strangled noise. Jay reached out and grabbed her elbow, steadying her as she took who their witness was.

"Avery?" she whispered, and before Jay could stop her, she flung open the door and ran straight into the interrogation room.


	6. Start Talking

**_CHAPTER FIVE: START TALKING_**

She was professional, he'd give her that. She didn't just barge straight in there and demand what in the hell was going on; instead she just opened the door a tiny amount, enough to slip through, and then drew up a chair next to Burgess, staring intently at the tiny seeming girl. Luckily, the interview had barely started.

"So, Paige, I'm Detective Burgess, and this is my colleague Detective Lindsay. Do you mind telling us how old you are?" Burgess asked. She had a kindness about her, Burgess, that Erin had always admired. She was tough as hell, but she had a heart bigger than that of anyone she'd ever known, and it made Erin sad to think that it was one of the reasons why it had taken her so long to make it to Intelligence. There seemed to be a consensus of thought that nice couldn't kick ass, but Kim had proven them wrong several times. The naïve idealism that Burgess had when she joined the unit had dulled, for sure, in the years that had passed since, but never the kindness.

"Fourteen," Paige responded. She had noticed Erin, and had looked up at the sound of the name, but Erin didn't think she had recognized her. Erin wasn't sure if she wanted her to – no, that was a lie; of course she wanted the little girl to recognize her. She wasn't sure if she _expected_ her to, however. She'd only been about nine when Erin had rescued her. Seeing where she was now, however, made Erin sick to the stomach. _What had happened?_

"And you say you and Luca were friends, correct?"

Paige nodded. She had her arms folded in front of her, leaning on the top of the table, and her chin was resting in the crook between her arms.

"How did you meet?"

She shrugged.

"Paige, you're not going to be able to help us if you don't tell us everything you know," Burgess said softly.

"Even if what I say might get me in trouble?" she asked, and Burgess and Erin looked at each other.

"I—" Burgess started, but then turned to Erin. "Erin, can I talk to you outside for a moment?"

"Sure," Erin said, and led the way out of the room.

Before Burgess could follow her, however, Paige reached across the table and grabbed her arm. She swallowed. "That's Detective _Erin_ Lindsay?" she whispered. Her jaw clenched.

Burgess frowned, looking shocked. What? "Uh – yeah. Yeah, that's Detective Erin Lindsay. I thought I already introduced her…?"

Paige nodded slowly. She dropped Burgess's hand and returned to her position, her head in her arms, on the desk.

Burgess turned to Erin.

"What the hell was that all about?" she whispered as soon as the door had shut behind them.

Erin just shook her head. "Not now," she said, as Jay came out of the observation room.

"Erin –"

She shook her head again. "Not now," she repeated. "Let's just take her statement, okay?"

"How?" Burgess asked. "We need to get her to trust us! She clearly doesn't trust you, for whatever reason, and she's convinced that if she opens her mouth, we're just gonna slam some cuffs on her and send her to jail! And, that aside, we don't have long before the DA realize that we have a minor in our interrogation box without a juvenile attorney."

Erin took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. Do whatever you need to do to get her to talk. I'll hang back."

"You sure?" Jay asked her, placing a tentative hand on the small of her back.

Erin shifted uncomfortably. She nodded. "You can take it instead, if you want."

Before either of them could ask, she stepped back into the observation room, shutting the door behind her so that they would see the tears that had filled her eyes.

"Who're you?" Paige asked Jay as soon as he stepped into the room.

"This is Detective Jay Halstead," Burgess introduced him, before Jay could even open his mouth. Paige nodded in greeting. Jay breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that she hadn't recognized him, too.

"Listen, Paige," Burgess continued. "We're not interested in arresting you, if that's what you think. I'm not gonna guarantee you full immunity or anything, that's ridiculous, but I am gonna promise you right here and now that I will do everything I can to keep you out of trouble."

"Like Detective Lindsay did?" Paige muttered.

"Excuse me?" Jay nearly hissed.

Paige rolled her eyes. "I know she's behind there, watching this whole thing. Right, Lindsay?"

A few seconds later, Erin was in the room with them, on the other side of table to Paige, and Jay and Burgess were waiting with baited breath, slowly backing away to the edges of the room.

"Hi," Erin said. She swallowed.

"Don't do that," said Paige. "Don't pretend like everything's fine."

"I am not trying to pretend that," Erin defended herself. "No one is." Her voice was thick and she sounded almost scared. "Listen, your best friend was murdered. We just want to help find whoever did it."

Paige just scoffed. "Sure. Oh, it's okay," she spat at Jay and Burgess when she noticed them exchange glances. "We're old friends."

"Paige!" Erin pleaded, the guilt that she was feeling tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop it.

"My name isn't Paige, either. You know that."

"Why are you doing this? I tried to _help_ you!" Erin was distraught. "I did help you!"

"Only to spit me back into the system again," Paige snapped.

"Avery, honey," Erin's voice started to break. "I didn't have a choice. You know that. You had no family, no one else to take care of you. It was my only option."

Avery's chin started to wobble and her eyes were filling with tears. She wiped them away angrily, but not before Erin noticed. She stepped forward, and made to lay a hand on her shoulder, hoping to offer some form of comfort.

"Don't," she snarled.

Erin's hands dropped to her sides feebly. "Avery, I'm sorry."

Avery flopped back into the chair. "I'll do your stupid interview. For Luca. And then I'm gone."

Burgess looked from Avery back to Erin, who was staring at Avery, like she'd seen a ghost, or an old friend. Like she hadn't expected seeing them to be this painful.

She just nodded, once, and pursed her lips. Jay went to follow her out of the room, but Burgess stopped him. "She'll be fine," she whispered. "Give her space. We have an interview to do."

Jay sat down in Erin's abandoned chair, and got out a pen from his pocket. "Okay," he said thickly. "Start talking."


	7. Tell Her That It Wasn't Her Fault

**_CHAPTER SIX: TELL HER THAT IT WASN'T HER FAULT_**

"So Paige Williams's real name is Avery Murray," Burgess relayed to the group, when everyone (save for Erin, who had disappeared, and Voight, who was still on the phone in his office) had assembled in the bullpen. "Which is completely irrelevant, really, other than she was rescued by this unit nearly five years ago when she was only nine years old, from a sex trafficking ring."

The unit exchanged glances. Five years ago was before Burgess and Attwater's times in Intelligence, and the others had seen so many victims, and so many _children,_ over the years that they didn't remember names anymore. And faces changed when most of them weren't even teenagers when they were rescued. Voight re-entered the room then, and perched on the edge of Erin's desk. He frowned, noticing that she wasn't there, but didn't press.

"Anyway," Jay continued, eager to draw attention away from that case before someone put two and two together and realized that Erin was involved with this kid and where she had gone. "Avery met Luca a few months ago. He had just run away from his foster home for the first time, and she'd been on the streets for nearly a year – living in shelters in the winter and on the streets in the summer – so she helped him. She scored him some drugs, too, which is why she was scared to tell us everything."

"The night of Luca's murder," added Burgess, "they had taken shelter together in an abandoned warehouse—"

"The one we found Luca in," Voight suggested, and Burgess nodded.

"Avery said she woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of hushed shouting," Burgess continued. "Said she could definitely make out Luca's voice and someone older. They were speaking in Spanish, so she doesn't know exactly what was spoken, _but_ she said she could see a tattoo on the arm of the guy – a spider – and that after about five minutes of heated argument, a fight broke out. She wanted to help, but she was terrified and high and probably half frozen, and before she could move, the guy pulled out a gun and shot him, twice, in the head."

"Poor kid," said Ollinsky.

"That's gotta be rough, seeing your friend murdered in front of you," Atwater mused, and the silence that followed was the unit's way of agreeing.

"She ran away the second the coast was clear. Said that she doesn't trust the system. She didn't want to be around the crime scene because if the cops found her they'd just put her back into care."

"So why come forward?" Antonio asked.

Atwater shrugged. "I don't know about you, bro, but my experience with teenagers is that they can either be incredibly cynical or incredibly idealistic. Usually a bit of both. She ran away because she's cynical, but she came back because she still believes in justice. Idealism."

"Okay," Voight said. "So Ollinsky – you and Adam check our gang databases, see if you can put a face with the spider tat – preferably one with ties to our ring. If not, you can hit up Statesville and see if there are any records of a similar tat there."

Ollinsky and Ruzek nodded, and left the rest of them where they stood.

"Atwater, I want you to look through security tapes, traffic cam footage, see if you can find any evidence of this guy in the area, or get a look at his face. License plates, clothing, anything we can use to get a proper ID on the shooter."

"You don't think it was Perez himself, do you?"

Voight shook his head. "He's not that stupid. He'd send someone else to do his dirty work."

"I hear ya," Atwater agreed and retreated to his desk to begin his search.

"Burgess, Halstead," Voight barked, and beckoned them. "My office. Now."

They exchanged glances and, with pursed lips, followed their boss.

"What the hell happened in there?" he spun around, directing his sudden anger at Jay.

"All due respect, Sarge," Jay began, but Voight cut him off. Burgess hung back. She knew that Erin and Jay were dating – they'd been living together for about a year now – but she hadn't realized that there was still so much animosity between her boyfriend and her…foster dad? Father? Boss? She wasn't entirely sure what label to attach to Voight. Come to think of it, she wasn't sure that Erin herself even knew.

"All due respect?" Voight scoffed. "All due respect, _Detective,_ but I am your boss. And you are going to answer my questions."

Jay took a deep breath. "Five years ago, you remember, we worked that sex trafficking case? It was a big one, tough on all of us, and there were videos…We'd lost some of the kids – and then we found one of them alive. And Erin couldn't bear to put her back into the system, after everything she'd been through and after some of the traffickers had been linked with corrupt and dirty DCFS employees, so she took her in, for about a week, until the case was solved and she was sure she could sort out a foster placement that she trusted?"

Voight nodded, remembering signing the paperwork to allow the kid to be put in protective custody.

"Paige Williams – or Avery Murray – is that kid."

"Oh, Jesus," Voight muttered, lifting his hands to his head. "And she recognized Erin?"

Jay swallowed. "It wasn't pretty. She was angry that Erin put her back in the system, and Erin…"

"She took off?"

"Yeah," Jay took a breath. "I can go after her, if you like?" he suggested. "I've tried calling, but she hasn't picked up, and I know a couple of places she might be."

Voight shook his head. "No. I'll try her. If not, she'll be fine. Just go home after shift, tell her that it wasn't her fault, okay?"

Jay nodded his thanks. "Thanks, Sarge. Will do."

Although Voight had given his blessing for Erin and Jay to date years ago now, and he was very much aware of their living situation, he had made it very clear from the start that he does not want to see any of their relationship at work. But sometimes, it came in handy – if he ever needed to scare Jay, for example, he just had to pull the overprotective father card. Watching Jay squirm was one of his new favorite hobbies.

But it helped, now that they were together, because it meant he had an extra pair of eyes on her. He worried about Erin, he couldn't help it, but it made him sleep just a little bit better at night when he knew that Jay was there to look out for her. And to relay information onto him, when he really needed it.

It was slightly sneaky, Voight knew, using his status as his daughter's boyfriend's boss to force said boyfriend to keep him in the loop about developments in her personal life, but he was pretty sure that Erin was aware of it by now. They still talked, all the time – he forced her and Jay to come over for dinner every now and again – but he didn't feel the need to keep checking up on her every two seconds now that he was sure that Jay had her back.

 _I need to know what someone has her back 24/7._ He'd told Jay after he gave them his blessing, years ago.

 _Always._ Jay had replied.

That was all the confirmation Voight needed, and though he knew the couple had been through their share of ups and downs these past few years, he knew that he could always count on him to keep his baby girl safe. And vice versa, of course.

When Jay had left, Voight turned his focus to Burgess. "Officer," he greeted her.

"Sergeant," she said in reply. It always made Voight laugh that Burgess still called him that, while others in their unit called him 'Voight' or 'Sarge' or even 'Hank'. Well, only Erin and Ollinsky called him by his first name, but still. Hearing 'Sergeant' was always so weird. It made him think he was in trouble for something. (He usually was. But that wasn't the point).

"I wanted to say well done for staying so professional in there. I know Erin's your friend; I know you wanted to make sure she was okay. But you didn't let your emotions compromise your professional integrity, and that's hard to do."

Burgess smiled. "Erin is my friend, Sir, and I'd do anything for her. But that kid, Avery, doesn't have any friends. Not anymore. So you don't have to thank me – it's my job."

Voight chuckled slightly. "You know every day that you're in my unit, you prove to me why you should be."

"Thanks, Sergeant," Burgess nodded her appreciation, and turned around, closing the door gently as she left.

When she and Jay returned to work, she kept throwing glances his way, trying to read his expression to see if Erin had called him yet, not quite having the courage to ring Erin herself. They were friends, but she understood that Jay knew more about the situation than she did and she didn't think it would do their relationship much good for her to be poking her nose in.

But she couldn't help but worry when Erin didn't return all of shift. She dropped her a quick text:

 _Hey Erin, sorry about earlier – I'm sure Avery didn't mean everything she said. I'm here if you need anything._

And her stomach immediately settled when she got a reply only a few minutes later:

 _Thanks, Kim. No hard feelings_ _J_

Burgess knew her friend. However much Erin probably _was_ pissed off at Kim, wherever she was, she blamed herself more.


	8. Where Are The Words?

**_CHAPTER SEVEN: WHERE ARE THE WORDS?_**

Erin was sitting in her car outside the apartment that she and Jay shared, trapped inside her head. She was staring blankly ahead of her, the engine long turned off, but she couldn't quite bring herself to face Jay yet. She kept thinking about what Avery had said. _Like Detective Lindsay did? Only to spit me back into the system again._

Was that why Avery seemed to hate her so much? Was it because she had just stopped talking to her? Stopped checking up on her new foster family? Every instinct Erin had those last few months of contact had been to slowly ease Avery out of her life. She thought it would be the best for her if she wasn't constantly reminded of what she had been through – and besides, she was nine years old. Erin thought – and when she asked Jay, and Voight, and even the social worker from DCFS, they all agreed – that it would be best if she checked up on her just enough that Avery didn't feel abandoned, and then gradually begin to spread out their conversations and visits, until she could stop calling completely.

 _Avery needs to let go._

 _She's been through too much already._

 _She needs a stable environment._

 _She can't keep living in the past._

 _She's only nine._

 _She'll forget about you soon enough – and trust me on this one, Detective Lindsay, that's for the best._

 _For both of you._

Somehow Erin wasn't sure about that anymore.

That was what the social worker had said. And it had broken her heart to see the little girl go, clutching the tiny fluffy sheep toy that Erin had bought her when she found out that she didn't have any toys of her own.

What finally propelled Erin's feet from the car and into the apartment block was how utterly _exhausted_ she was. It was only eight in the evening, not late, but since she was so sleep deprived after yesterday's epic babysitting saga, it was taking all her energy just to keep her eyes open long enough to make sure she actually locked her car. She frowned slightly, noticing the light on in the apartment, and wondered how Jay got home.

Jay stood up from where he was sat at the breakfast bar in their kitchen the second he heard the key turn in the lock.

Erin turned the key in the lock, leaning her body's weight into the door to open it.

Jay swallowed. He had spent the past hour and a half deliberating what to say to her.

Before the door had even closed behind her, she kicked off her shoes and placed her keys on the dresser in the hallway. She swallowed. She'd spent the past hour or so trying to figure out how to explain this to him.

 _Where are the words?_ He thought.

 _Where are the words?_ Echoed in her mind.

He stepped out into the landing.

"Hi," she whispered. Her chin wobbled slightly, and her eyes were glassy and wide and begging him to understand, and she blinked the second that she made eye contact with him.

All of a sudden, he realized that he didn't need an explanation. His arms wrapped around her tightly and her body relaxed against his, nuzzling her head into his shoulder as he stroked her hair; they rocked back and forwards gently as she sniffled into his embrace.

 _It's okay._

The words echoed and ricocheted around the completely still apartment, settling upon the pair of lovers like a gentle dusting of some illusory snowflakes; they fell almost completely still against each other, Erin leaning her tired body against her partner, and vice versa, their weights reaching equilibrium and keeping each other standing long enough for their eyes to flutter closed. Their gently breaking forms were silhouetted against the Chicago skyline vaguely visible from the window behind and the apartment was silent.

 _He breathed in her soft perfume: white musk and jasmine._

 _She breathed in his scent: fruity cologne and spearmint._

And as her breathing began to slow, quieting down after the staggered breaths of muffled sobbing, she relaxed, and they breathed in, and out, and in, and out, together.

Where were the words?

They didn't need them.

* * *

"Do you want to talk?" Jay asked quietly. His voice was dry and scratchy. Partly because they hadn't spoken all evening, just held each other until they were okay, and then moved to the couch, where she curled up against him, her head resting on his lap and her feet fidgeting in her socks at the other end of the sofa. He ran his hands through her hair until he couldn't stand the silence any longer.

Erin sat up. She turned to face him, crossing her legs underneath her like a child.

"Uh…" she began, clearing her throat. She wasn't sure where to start.

"It's okay," Jay was quick to backtrack. "If you don't want to, I don't want to push."

She shook her head quickly, as if to reassure him. "No, it's not that I don't _want_ to talk about it," she said softly. "I just…I can't find the words."

He smiled. "Wait a sec," he rose suddenly from the couch, making Erin frown slightly, but he held out a finger, grinning.

A few seconds later, he returned from the kitchen with two beers.

"Here," he told her, handing her one. At her still puzzled looking expression, he elaborated. "This might help you find them."

Erin chuckled faintly, and shrugged, taking a swig. "If you say so," she muttered.

"Now," Jay joined her on the sofa again, this time pulling her legs out from under her and draping them across his lap, taking her feet and massaging them.

Erin raised an eyebrow. "If this is your way of trying to earn driving privileges, think again, babe."

Jay just held his hands up in defense. "I mean, if that's what you want, I can always just…"

He tickled her feet and she, forgetting that they were both holding full bottles of beer, aimed a mock kick right at his head. He snorted, sloshing beer over his hand, which made her laugh, too.

They fell back into silence before Erin spoke again.

"Avery." She paused to clear her throat. "Avery was the first time I ever thought – thought that, maybe I didn't have to end up like my mom," she started. Her words were rushed, and her face flushed scarlet as the words fell out, as if she was embarrassed to still feel this way about her past in spite of how far she'd already come. "I don't know," she continued, shrugging it off in her typical Erin way. "It's like I've always just _expected_ that one day, something will happen, and I'll just _break._ And then, like that –" she snapped her fingers for emphasis "— I'll be…Bunny."

"But Avery made you feel different?" Jay asked. He was surprised, for some reason, although he knew he shouldn't be. Erin's past wasn't exactly forgiving towards her present, and it had a habit of showing up unannounced in the form of some mysterious figure (usually her mother), but the past few years had been strangely quiet. After Voight had pulled that deal with the FBI to keep Bunny out of prison and Erin out of Chicago long enough to clear her head – which, incidentally, only ended up being about six months – Erin's personal life had been almost creepily quiet. Bunny hadn't come back. No one had died. Erin and Jay had moved back in together. Will and Natalie were engaged. Everything was running smoothly. Jay had just assumed that maybe she was healed – foolish, now that he thought about it. Scars like that never fully heal – and he should know.

Erin shrugged. "Not exactly. I mean, you and Voight had already helped me so much before she came along, but…" she shook her head. He could see how uncomfortable this whole situation made her. But she wanted to share, he could tell, and he sure as hell wasn't going to stop her. It made him smile faintly to himself, remembering the first time she'd confided in him. _You figure out who your real friends are pretty quickly when the word's out that your mom's a junkie and your dad's in jail._

Jay still thought about that sometimes, how much Erin had been affected by her mom.

It's like she'd spent her whole life running from who Bunny had made her. Every time she turned a corner, there was her mother, ready and eager to shove a brick wall in her face – whether it was in the form of a party or a pill or some shots, or Teddy, or a murder accusation. His heart broke for Erin whenever he was reminded of this. How could you run from your past when it was ahead of you too, always ready to trip you up?

"Avery was something new, you know? I _helped_ her."

"You've helped people before," Jay said.

"Yeah, I know. But Avery – she was _me_. She was exactly as I was when Voight took me in, but younger. I thought she'd have her whole life ahead of her. I thought I had _saved_ her." She spat out the word "saved" so vehemently that Jay swallowed.

"Hey, Erin," he reached out at cupped her face in his hand. "Listen. You did _everything_ you could. And everything you were _supposed_ to."

She nodded. "I know." Her voice grew thick and heavy again and she looked down at the floor to avoid his face. "That's the worst part," she whispered. "I did _everything._ And it wasn't enough."

"Hey!" Jay soothed. But he couldn't think of anything else to say. He couldn't even imagine how she was feeling – the girl that she had gone out on a limb so desperately to help had just shown up high and homeless as a witness to a _murder_ case. It couldn't go much more wrong that.

"I just want to know where it went so wrong," she said, and a tear escaped from the side of her eye. She wiped it away furiously, looking back up to him. "To think that if I had just…"

Jay shook his head and reached forward, not letting her speculate. He wrapped his arms around her again, pulling her tightly to his chest. She swung her feet back around and allowed him to pull her in closely as she wrapped her arms around him, too. She didn't cry, but even so, Jay reached for the TV remote and, flicking through the channels, stopped when he found a suitable looking documentary, and she looked up at him gratefully. He rested his face against the top of her head, rocking her backwards and forwards – and letting the gently movement comfort him, too.

"I love you," she whispered softly into his shirt, and he smiled into her hair.

"I love you, too." He kissed the top of her head several times. _And I want to have a family,_ he thought. _With you._ But he didn't say it. Because how can you bring something like that up – something so _huge_ – when you'd just had a conversation so heavy?

Besides.

He didn't have the words.


	9. A Hundred Percent

**_CHAPTER EIGHT: A HUNDRED PERCENT_**

The next day, Erin woke up to the smell of bacon and coffee from the kitchen. She smiled lazily, her eyes still shut as she breathed in the familiar smell of Jay when he entered the room. One eye opened to let him know she was awake, and he grinned at her, clambering into the bed next to her and gently nudging her out of the way with a freezing cold toe.

"Morning, gorgeous," he beamed. He handed her a mug of coffee and placed a tray of bacon and toast on the bed.

"Morning," Erin mumbled, propping herself up onto her elbows and leaning towards him to kiss him good morning.

"Figured you could use a lie-in," he told her, and she frowned, reaching over to the dresser to see what the time was. She nearly screamed when she realized that it was past ten.

"Voight came over this morning to see how you were doing," Jay continued.

Erin raised an eyebrow. "Hank came over here?"

"Yeah," Jay nodded. "But I told him that you were sleeping, and he said it's okay if you want to take the day off today."

"Day off?" Erin asked incredulously. "Dude, it's Sunday! It's meant to be a day off for _everyone_!"

Jay smirked. "Uh, yeah. Unless you're in Hank Voight's unit, obviously."

Erin rolled her eyes. "So he's got us all working overtime this weekend? Is everyone else going in today, or…?"

"I know Antonio isn't – Brett's on shift at 51 and you know he hates leaving Ava and Diego alone with Laura on the outs. Kev was gonna do the same but I'm pretty sure he sweet-talked Antonio into babysitting Vanessa and Jordan too. Burgess will be in, and Ollinsky –"

"Obviously," Erin interjected, and the two shared a laugh at how their co-worker never seemed to _leave_ the bullpen. They all had their secret suspicions that he lived there – a joke that had been going on for years. Lately, though, they spared him the harassment of joking about his living situation. After Lexi's death, the fact that he lived in his wife's garage seemed too tender of a topic. But both Erin and Jay had spent their fair few nights sleeping at the district. (Especially when they had broken up a few years back and Jay had moved in with Will and his then-girlfriend Nina, whom he then broke up with and left both of them effectively homeless. Good times).

"But yeah. Not sure about Ruzek, but no one's ever sure about Ruzek."

They laughed briefly and then fell into silence together. Jay was feeding Erin slices of bacon and laughing at her trying to lick the grease off her lips.

"Seriously, though," he murmured after a while. "How are you doing?"

Erin just shrugged. And then nodded slowly. "I can handle it," she said, which earned her two, very concerned, raised eyebrows.

"Erin…"

She sighed. "I'm okay, I think. I don't know. We'll see."

Jay lifted his hand to her face and cupped it tenderly. She leant against it, savoring the moment. In spite of everything, she felt peaceful.

Jay just leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"What's your day like?" Erin asked him when they had gone back to munching his – _delicious –_ breakfast.

"Uh, that depends."

"On what?"

"What you want to do."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Jay, I'm a big girl. I can handle myself."

He shrugged. "I just want you to know that you're not alone, okay? If I do go into work it's not because I don't want to spend every second that I can with you."

"I do know," she smiled. "And I love you for it. But I was thinking about coming in myself today."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? Avery will very probably be there."

Erin swallowed. "I know. I just think that there's no use running from it. Maybe I messed up somewhere, maybe I didn't, but I want her to know that I'm not hiding from her."

"Okay," Jay agreed.

She frowned. "Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," he laughed. "If that's what you want, I'll back your play. A hundred percent. Just, please don't…"

He didn't need to finish, and one look at Erin's face warned him not to. They both knew where that was going. _Please don't let this be a banana peel for you, and I think you know what I mean._ Erin remembered Voight telling her after Nadia died. _Please don't let this be a repeat of last time._

As much as she hated the fact that it always came to this – people telling her not to go backwards as if she wanted an excuse to morph back into the drug-addicted teen that she'd been trying to outrun ever since – she knew that Jay said it from a place of love.

"I'm not going to," she assured him. "I've got too much to lose."

"That's my girl," Jay grinned, and jumped out of bed. "I'm gonna take a shower," he called from the kitchen, where he was depositing their dirty kitchenware.

Erin kinked an eyebrow and made her way into the bathroom, turning on the water and peeling off yesterday's t-shirt and a pair of old leggings that she had apparently slept in.

At the sound of the water, Jay's head immediately appeared around the side of the door.

"Um," he began, pursing his lips together and making his nose scrunch up when he was playing with her.

"Me too," she said, smirking.

* * *

"Erin," Ruzek greeted the detective as she rounded the corner and entered the bullpen. "Jay," he nodded at his friend.

"Hey, Adam," Erin said. "Didn't realize you'd be in today."

He shrugged. Erin's eyes narrowed when she noticed the way his glance flickered to the break room and she opened her mouth to grill him about what was going on, when he cut her off. "Oh, you know. Nothing better to do, right?"

Jay smirked. He, along with everyone else in the district, knew that he had been spending practically all of his free time with Burgess recently, but no one was going to draw attention to that – especially under Voight's roof.

"Erin!" barked the Sergeant from his office, right on cue.

She took a deep breath and shoved her empty takeaway coffee cup at Jay, who took it sheepishly. "Sorry," she mouthed, and backed away slowly and dramatically. Jay laughed and shook his head. What a dork his girlfriend could be.

"Shut the door," was the first thing her boss greeted her with. She obliged, willingly. She had the sense that this was going to be a conversation that she did not want the rest of the unit to overhear.

"What's up, Hank?" she asked.

"How are you doing?"

Erin shrugged. "Okay. No – I'm pretty good," she corrected herself.

Voight narrowed his eyes, the spitting image of Erin's own facial expression just a few seconds ago when she had suspected something, too.

"Are you sure?" he knew he sounded like a cross between an overprotective father and a cop interrogating a perp, but he couldn't help it. He'd been extra protective over Erin ever since she got back from New York – didn't Jay know it – and he couldn't stand it when she was upset and not confiding in him. "I want you to know that if you need anything, I'm with you –"

"—until the wheels come off," Erin finished. "I know. Thanks, Hank."

"So how are you _really_ doing?"

She sighed. "Honestly? I just keep turning it round and around in my head, you know, 'what if I hadn't done this,' or 'what about if I'd just done that,' but I know that it's not gonna help me. I'm ready to sit down and talk to Avery, to try to help her, if she wants it."

"Is that what you want? To help her?" Voight asked. He already knew the answer, of course.

Erin nodded. "If she'll let me."

He took a deep breath, readying himself for what was coming next. "I have an idea of how you can do just that. As long as you're absolutely certain that you're ready to commit to helping this girl. She's not nine years old any more. Even if – when – you get her back on her feet, there's a long way to go from there."

She swallowed. "I'm certain. This kid needs someone to show her that there are people who care."

Voight smiled at her, his eyebrows relaxing into a soft, tender expression. "I'm so proud of you, kiddo," he said. "You know, this time five years ago we'd be heading down a very different path under the same set of circumstances."

At that, Erin's eyes misted over with tears. It felt different, to hear it come from Voight, than it did from Jay. "I know," she whispered, trying not to let on that her throat was stiff with emotion.

"Erin, I'm so proud of you."

She smiled, her eyes misting over slightly. "Well," she responded. "I couldn't have got where I am without you, you know that. You're the reason I want to help that girl in the first place. She's me, Hank."

He squeezed her shoulder. "I know she is. But listen, I don't want you to get hurt again. Promise me you'll step back if it gets too much?"

Her eyelids fluttered closed in resignation as she sighed and nodded. "Okay. But this isn't gonna be like last time. I can handle it."

Voight nearly laughed at that remark. "Oh really? What's your name, Erin Voight?"

Erin shrugged, a sarcastic beam breaking out over her face. "Everything I learned, I learned from the master." She curtsied dramatically and Voight let out a snort.

"Okay, okay. Take care of yourself. That's all I ask. And something tells me that Halstead –" he suddenly noticed the detective hovering next to his desk, looking away from the window to the Sergeant's office sheepishly, his neck and cheeks turning slightly pink at the embarrassment of being caught trying to snoop. "—will be there to help you, too."

Erin smiled.

"So are you sure about this?"

She nodded fiercely. "A hundred percent. I want to help her, Hank."

"Okay then. Here's my suggestion."

And he started to talk.

* * *

Jay looked up at the two as they emerged from the office. He was still looking slightly embarrassed, and he blushed even harder when Erin winked at him from behind Voight's back. In spite of himself, a smile crept onto his face and he shook his head at his partner. God, he was so in love with her.

"Hey guys?" called Burgess from her desk. She had her phone tucked between her shoulder and her ear and she was staring at a computer screen, her forehead puckered and head cocked in concentration.

The rest of the unit gathered around her desk when she put the phone back down.

"That was Dr. Choi. They've just had another one brought in. Same MO: white kid, rich, OD'd on chemically altered Heroin."

"Okay, Burgess, you take Jay and go check it out. Ruzek, you go too."

The three of them nodded and grabbed their coats. Jay shot Erin a side glance as he left the bullpen, and she smirked at him. He groaned silently at the sudden realization that he would have to sit in the _back seat._

Erin waggled her fingers jokily goodbye.

Ollinsky was buried in paperwork on his desk in the corner of the office space. Erin hadn't even noticed that he was there until she heard the crunching of an apple and a disgruntled "don't mind me," from her colleague. Erin snorted.

"I won't, Al. You're good," she chuckled.

At that moment, Atwater appeared in the doorway. "Sarge," he said, and Voight nodded in response.

"What have you got?"

"Yesterday when we looked through all of our gang records, we didn't get any hits on the tattoo described by the witness, but I was talkin' to my buddy down in the gang unit to see if he knew anything about a spider tat, and he asked what case I was workin' on –"

"Get to the point, Kevin," Voight rushed him, eager to get Erin talking to Avery again.

Kevin looked from Voight to the break room where Avery was sat. "Okay, well, long story short, Luca was working as a CI for a huge gang operation who are also trying to take down Sanchez."

Voight's jaw dropped and Alvin nearly choked on his apple. "No way," muttered the Sergeant. "No _way._ "

"Yeah," Atwater continued. "He'd been funneling them information about their organization for weeks, and they hadn't heard from him in a couple days. Said they didn't want to push so as not to jeopardize his anonymity, and they said they were close to a breakthrough but relied on one last piece of information. Luca said he would've gotten it for them, but clearly…"

"He didn't," Erin finished.

"Good work, Kev," Voight clapped the officer on the back. "But this changes everything. Alvin, go with Kevin and dig up all the gang unit's files on this organization, and Kevin, bring your friend up here and whoever's in charge down there, okay? I don't care if we have to split this case, but there are fourteen kids dead and we need to put these assholes in the ground, you hear me? We work together on this."

Atwater and Ollinsky nodded and left the bullpen, leaving Erin and Voight in the silent room.

"Erin," he addressed her, and she turned to face him. She swallowed. "We need to get her into protective custody." He jerked his head in the direction of the break room. "Remember what we talked about?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. _I can do this._ She thought.

"You've got this," Voight whispered and patted her on the shoulder softly as she walked past.


	10. Photographs

**_CHAPTER NINE: PHOTOGRAPHS_**

Avery was cold. And _hungry._ They'd given her clean clothes when she'd shown up at the district in her old jeans and parka, teeth chattering and knees wobbling, slightly dizzy at the combination of having not eaten a proper meal for about three days and having just witnessed a murder, but as she sat in the break room, she felt really, really cold. She was nursing a mug of coffee – the worst coffee she'd ever tasted, without a doubt – and trying to will herself to feel something. She should be _devastated_ at the death of her friend. Heartbroken. But instead she just felt completely empty. And _God,_ she was cold.

They had put her into a group home last night, just to sleep, and then the Sergeant had come to pick her up that morning so that she didn't have to stay longer. He'd just sat her down in the break room, made her a mug of steaming coffee and told her to wait. It had been early when she first arrived, and there was only one cop there – sitting at a desk in the corner, a beanie hat on, and he appeared to be slumped over his computer keyboard. "Alvin!" the Sergeant had barked, and the cop had woken up.

"Oh, hey," he'd said, sounding slightly dazed.

The sergeant had just made a strange noise somewhere between a tutting sound and a snort, and shook his head.

Now that she'd been there for several hours, Avery had taken in every aspect of the room. The huge "MEN AT WORK" sign over the sink and the dent in the table and the rip in the fabric of the couch. She'd gotten used to the smell – coffee and carpet, if she had to describe it – but every time she looked at the fridge on one side of the room or the corkboard on the other, she found herself staring at the photographs pinned there. There was one that she particularly liked, of the entire unit, save for the Sergeant, whom she assumed was taking the photograph. They were at a bar somewhere, and they all had a beer in one hand and the other draped over another member of their team. Erin was right in the middle. She was laughing at something, and her head was slightly tilted back, her mouth open and her hair falling onto Halstead's arm, which was sprawled over her shoulder. She looked so happy.

There was one of Burgess and Sergeant Platt from the desk downstairs; one of Atwater and the young, hot one whom Avery presumed must be Ruzek; one of Antonio, a blonde woman and two kids; a photo of the entire unit alongside a bunch of firefighters; one of the desk-sleeping cop and the Sergeant alongside a woman – one of their wives maybe? – two teenagers and a young girl. The young girl had wild, curly dark hair and a big, toothless grin, and one of the teens was a boy with a chiseled jawline and a slightly disgruntled-looking expression, as if he had been caught off guard. And Erin. Avery frowned. The photo was old – the Sergeant had brown hair instead of grey and his face looked far less worn, and Erin looked like she couldn't be more than eighteen.

Avery was so engrossed in the photographs that she jumped when the door opened, spilling coffee over her hand. "S _hit,"_ she swore loudly, and immediately put her hand in her mouth to numb the burn of the coffee. She looked up and saw Erin leaning against the door frame, frowning slightly.

"You alright?" she asked.

"What's it to you?" Avery spat back. She didn't mean it to come out so rudely. After a few hours – more than that, really, since she had barely slept that night – to think about what had happened the previous day, Avery had begun to feel slightly bad about the way that she'd treated Erin. Some of the things she said weren't exactly fair, she knew that, but she was still angry. "Sorry," she added, consciously. "I'm fine."

"Here, let me see," Erin reached over, taking Avery's hand. The second she touched it, Avery snatched it back.

"I'm fine," she insisted.

"Well, at least run it under the tap," Erin ordered, and Avery hesitantly complied.

After a few minutes of only the sound of the running tap and Erin nervously tapping her foot, she switched off the water and sat down.

"So what do you want? To ask me more questions?" she stared back down into the coffee cup and the murky brown liquid that had spilled all over the table in front of her, refusing to make eye contact.

"Um," Erin began, and took a deep breath. "Actually, no."

"Well, if you're here to apologize, you can save it. I'm over it."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "Yeah," she said sarcastically. "I can see that."

"Whatever," Avery muttered.

"Okay, listen." Erin drew up a chair to the opposite side of the table and sat down on it the wrong way round, her legs either side of the backrest so that she could lean forward enough to engage in a conversation but still remain detached and impersonal. It was a tactic that she liked to use when interrogating suspects, especially ones that she thought were likely to get under her skin. "I've got a proposition for you."

Avery sighed and rolled her eyes. "Here we go. I don't want a handout, okay?"

"I'm not offering you a handout," Erin snapped. "Will you just listen to me?"

Avery just continued staring at the coffee on the table, and started tracing patterns in the droplets.

"You have two options right now. We need to put you in protective custody –"

"What?" Avery looked up suddenly. "Why?"

"Because this case is bigger than just Luca."

"What do you mean?"

Erin sighed. "Okay. None of what I say is going to be repeated, but we're the Intelligence unit for a reason. We've been sitting on a ring of drug smugglers who are funneling drugs into the city and selling to the rich white kids who then distribute them. They use the kids as a way to get to the money in the city, but the kids are getting too big for their boots and dropping like flies."

"And?"

"And Luca's uncle was the head of the whole operation."

"Holy shit," Avery breathed.

"You can say that again," Erin smiled slightly.

"So why does this mean that I need to be in protective custody?" Avery frowned. "I'm white, but I'm definitely not rich. I don't think I'm on the top of their hit list."

"Well, turns out that Luca was working as a Confidential Informant for a gang unit working to take them down – we've just found out about this now – and so that means that they know we're onto them."

"Okay, but I still don't understand what this has to do with me…?" Avery looked confused still.

"You're a witness. Not just to the murder of a homeless boy, but your testimony puts the entire operation at risk. If they found out that you saw the killer, and can ID him and link him back to their organization, then we'll be able to do some serious damage in a courtroom."

"And if Luca's uncle is willing to kill his own nephew to cover up their operation, I'm sure he wouldn't think twice about popping me, huh?"

Erin just swallowed, pursing her lips together and shrugging her shoulders slightly in lieu of a response.

"So what are these two options?" Avery inquired.

"Well," the detective in front of her took a deep breath. "It's up to you whether protective custody is a fake name and a new foster home out of state, or…"

"Or what?"

"Or you can come and live with me until the case is solved and we know that you're safe."

"Are you kidding me?"

Erin shrugged. Now it was time to give Avery the tough love that she knew she needed – that she herself had needed. "That's the offer. You'll be in Chicago. You'll be close to whatever other friends you have. And you'll be able to help with the case and get updates on how it's going. You'll be a hundred percent safe under my watch but we can't guarantee the same out of state if someone finds out where you've gone and who you really are."

"So what's the catch?" Avery asked.

"The catch is that you'll be living with me, for starters, which means that you're gonna have to learn to forgive me, or at least tolerate me. And Detective Halstead."

"Woah. Halstead from the interrogation, Halstead? You live together?"

"We're dating, yes. Not the point." Avery smirked. "Anyway," Erin continued. "You can come and go as you please. But you'll have a roof and a bed and food and someone to talk to. Of course, it depends how long the case lasts, but I can get you a place in a school. I can get any criminal records you have sealed. And I will do absolutely everything that I can to help you make a better life for yourself."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you so willing to help me?"

Erin sighed, wanting to keep this as impersonal as possible – a business proposition more than a promise – but she should probably have known better than anyone that business, especially police business, is about as personal as it gets.

"Because when I was your age I was in the exact same position," she said. "And a cop helped me the same way I am trying to help you, and now that cop is my boss, and I have a life better than anything I could have imagined when I was your age."

Avery stared at her. She had no idea. "Is that where the photo is from?" she mumbled.

It was Erin's turn to look confused. "What…photo?"

Her eyes followed Avery's arm as it extended slightly and gestured towards the old, torn one of her, Voight, Al, Lexi and Justin pinned to the corkboard. "Yeah," she whispered. Her eyes began to sting slightly at the tears that immediately sprung to the surface when she saw that the photograph had Justin and Lexi in it, too. She had completely forgotten that that photo even existed, let alone that it was pinned up in their office.

"Who are the others?" Avery asked.

Erin coughed, trying to cover the thickness in her voice. "Uh, Voight you know, obviously – he was the one who took me in – and Alvin, who you've probably met, and his wife, Meredith, before they split up. Al's daughter Lexi, and Voight's son Justin."

"Where are they now?"

At the look on Erin's face, Avery backtracked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's – it's okay," Erin shook her head.

 _You need to set the parameters for this relationship, Erin._ That was what the social worker had told her when she took Avery in the first time, five years ago. _If you want her to be honest with you, you have to be honest with her._ She took a deep breath.

"Justin died about three years ago now. He was twenty four."

"How did he die?" Avery asked slowly. She didn't want to be nosy, but she genuinely wanted to know – she had been so caught up in her self-pity, so caught up in this vision of Erin being a tough-as-nails cop who only lived to serve others, that she had never even considered the possibility that she had other things going on in her life.

Erin just shook her head. "That's a story for another time," she was fighting the tears, Avery noticed. "Lexi…" Erin continued. "She died too. The very next year."

"Sorry," Avery said. She hadn't meant to push.

Another shake of the head. "Listen, Avery, I'm not helping you because I want to make amends with you, okay?" she changed the subject. "I just want to see you get better. I'm not expecting you to decide now, I'll give you until the end of my shift, and then, if you want to come and live with me, I'll set it up. If you don't, you'll go to a group home in the center of the city for a few days, and then you'll transfer to Indianapolis as soon as we get the paperwork done and all the official statements that we need from you regarding the case. Or, you can live with me, see how you like it, get over your petty teenage resentment to me and try not to ask any more difficult questions, and then you'll have until the end of the case to decide where you want to go from there."

Avery was about to snap at her for the comment about petty teenage resentment, but when she looked up, the detective was smiling.

"Why should I trust you?" Avery sneered.

Erin opened her mouth, but Avery cut her off.

"Why should I believe anything that comes out of your mouth when I know you're just gonna chuck me back into the system again the second I've helped you with your case?"

The expression on Erin's face had changed from extremely hurt to extremely angry in a millisecond.

"Why should you –" she near-shouted, but stopped herself mid-sentence. Taking a breath and unclenching the fists that had tightened unconsciously at her sides, she continued, "because I am the _only_ person right now who is fighting for you." She spat out every word with as much power as she could, chewing them around in her mouth and then firing them at the girl in front of her as if they were bullets. Good. She wanted them to leave a mark.

Before Avery could respond, Erin left, slamming the door shut behind her.


	11. Tell Bunny I Said Hi

**_CHAPTER TEN: TELL BUNNY I SAID HI_**

"Jay!" came Will's voice over the busy hallway at Chicago Med. "How are you doing, man?" he clapped his brother on the back. "Can I help you with anything?"

"Thanks, but I'm here on official business," Jay replied, gesturing his badge. "Is Ethan around?"

"Hey, Jay," came Dr. Choi's voice from behind him. "Kim, Adam," he nodded at the other two detectives. "We have another one."

"Is this about that case you're working?" Will interjected. "The kids?"

Burgess nodded gravely. "That's fourteen, and counting."

Choi frowned. "Thirteen," he corrected. He gestured in the direction of the ICU. "This one's still hanging in there.

"Hang on," Will interrupted. "I thought we'd only had thirteen come in here?"

"Found a kid in an abandoned warehouse this morning. Seventeen years old," Ruzek explained, and Willy's face fell.

"Same circumstances?" asked Choi.

Jay shook his head. "Nah, gunshot wounds to the head. But he's definitely involved in this case."

"Well," Choi continued, "he's not conscious yet, but you're welcome to wait around. Shouldn't be too long now."

"Thanks, man," said Ruzek, and Choi nodded, before leaving the four of them there. "Hey, Kim?" Ruzek asked. "You want to grab a drink from the vending machines?"

The two partners left together, chatting and laughing.

"Are they back together yet, or what?" Will asked.

Jay shrugged. "Who knows? Probably. Whether they've admitted it to themselves or not is another thing entirely."

They fell into an awkward silence. Jay's head was a million different places, and Will could tell. He'd rung his brother the previous night to thank him and Erin again for babysitting Owen two days ago, but when Jay picked up he could immediately tell something was wrong. He hadn't asked though – if there was one thing he knew about his brother, it was to wait and respect his privacy.

"So," said Will, trying to break the tension in the air and take Jay's mind off whatever it was that was bothering him this time. "Do you want to explain to me why my son is suddenly curious about what 'dick' means?" he raised an eyebrow at the detective, who turned to face his brother with a look of utmost horror on his face.

"Uh…" he stuttered, before changing his tune: "Your _son,_ huh?" he nudged the doctor playfully, and Will blushed a shade of red nearly as bright as his hair.

He shrugged, getting serious. "I know that Jeff was a huge part of Natalie's life. And I know that she loved him and he would've loved Owen. I don't want to take over that space – for Natalie, at least, and Helen. But Owen never knew Jeff. He knows all about his brave soldier dad, who died in combat saving the world, and everything, and while I don't want to take that from him, I also want to be his dad. If he wants me to, of course. Especially since I am, you know, marrying his mom."

Jay grinned. He still couldn't really believe that his brother was getting married. Even if it had meant, when Will first proposed, that Jay had to sheepishly give his brother his mom's ring after his own proposal plan to Erin had fallen through when she left for New York. Slightly awkward. But Jay was happy for them.

"Well, I'm sure you're already a great dad. Even if you didn't have the best of examples to follow, eh?"

Will rolled his eyes. "He wasn't _that_ bad, Jay."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "Have you forgotten that time he threw a glass bottle at my head?"

"Well, you did just tell him that he had achieved nothing in his life and it was his fault that mom died, so I mean it was _kinda_ –"

"Don't you dare say 'justified'," Jay warned, and Will laughed, raising his hands in defense.

Jay was about to say something when his phone rang. He pointed a warning finger at Will. "If this weren't Erin on the phone right now, you and I would be having a serious conversation –"

Will just shook his head. "Okay, sure. Tell Bunny I said hi," Will joked. "Now there's a bad parent."

Jay shook his head, but he was smiling. _True,_ he thought. _Compared to Bunny…_

"Hey, Babe. What's up?" he answered the phone.

"Don't freak out," was the first thing she said.

"When that's how you greet me, I'm pretty much _certain_ to start freaking out," he muttered.

"Okay. Sorry. Hi, Babe. How are you?"

"Great. The kid that was brought into Med is doing well – Ethan thinks he'll pull through. What's up?"

"Luca was working as a CI for Upton's gang unit."

"What?" Jay asked, incredulous. "What the _hell?"_

"Yeah," Erin said grimly. "I know. But that means that Avery is in even more danger than ever, and she needs to be put into protective custody. I was wondering if…"

"She could stay with us?" Jay finished.

"Yes," his partner breathed down the line. "I totally understand if you don't think it's a good idea or if you don't think we're ready…but it'll only be temporary. And I really don't want to send her to Indiana, Jay. She's only fourteen."

He swallowed. He knew she was right. "Erin, are you sure? I mean, you were pretty broken up when she had to leave last time and…"

"I know. I know. I just want to give her the best chance I can and I don't think she's ever gonna get that if she doesn't get closure on this case. If she goes back into the system we never see or hear from her again and she never finds out if her best friend's killer gets justice."

Jay sighed. "Erin," he warned. He felt his stomach churning. She was right: they weren't ready. They didn't know how long the case was going to last, they didn't know what other things this girl had going on in her life, they didn't know…

Erin didn't know. That this was what Jay wanted more than anything else in the world – to have a family. With her. Unfortunately, taking in a girl at age fourteen was never part of his plan. He took a deep breath. _You're getting ahead of yourself. It'll only be a couple of weeks, until the case is done._

"It'll only be for a few weeks, Jay. Just until we've used her help on the case and I can make sure that I've found a suitable and trustworthy foster placement for her, okay?"

He let out another sigh, somewhere between annoyance and admiration. "Okay, okay. Okay. Fine. As long as it's only temporary. And absolutely no drugs in the house. We are going to have to be ultra-strict with her, okay? Get her into a routine."

Erin let out a long breath as if she had been holding it for the whole conversation. Something told him that she'd already offered Avery the spare bedroom, knowing that he'd say yes. Sometimes it annoyed him how much she knew him. "Thank you, Jay," she said. "I love you. We're gonna help this girl like Voight helped me, you'll see."

"I love you too," he said. "I'll see you in a couple of hours. I'm just gonna wait here for the kid to wake up, maybe talk to the parents and all that. I'll send Ruzek and Burgess back though."

"Okay. Bye. I love you," she repeated.

He laughed. "Bye."

"What was that all about?" Will asked when he had hung up.

Jay frowned. "I – uh…I think I just agreed to fostering a child."

Will opened his mouth slightly in shock, or surprise, or as if he was about to say something. He stopped, shook his head, clapped his brother on the shoulder and then turned back to the corridor, gesturing in the direction of one of the rooms that he had to go.

"Talk to you later," Will yelled over his shoulder, and Jay nodded, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

He swallowed. _It'll only be for a few weeks, Jay._ Unfortunately, Jay knew Erin as much as she knew him – and he knew that if she could, she'd stay protecting this girl for the rest of her life. He wasn't sure what he'd just agreed to.


	12. Grief Like That is in the Small Print

**_CHAPTER ELEVEN: GRIEF LIKE THAT IS IN THE SMALL PRINT_**

"Hey, kid," Burgess said as she entered the break room. "How are you doing?"

Avery groaned. "You mean aside from the fact that I've been sat in this boring room for _hours_ and have resorted to rating each of the beams on the ceiling out of ten for how well they'd take my weight?" she said darkly.

Burgess frowned. "I don't …"

"See, in order to hang yourself," Avery began, and the look of horror on the cop's face made the boredom almost worth it.

"You know, I actually meant about the other stuff. Luca. Erin."

Avery swallowed. "So what's the deal with that?" she asked.

"The deal with what?"

"Erin. And Voight."

Burgess screwed her face up slightly. "I don't want to betray her trust…" she started.

"It's okay. She already told me that he helped her out when she was my age. I just want to know from _what._ And what happened after that."

"You want to know if it'll be the same for you?"

Avery just shrugged. She didn't need to respond – Burgess already knew that the answer was yes.

"Listen, all I know is that every time there's a kid in here on the wrong side of the law, Erin gets that same look on her face. As you may have noticed, she isn't the most open of people. But I know for a fact – everyone in the unit knows – that every time she loses someone it's more than a fight for her to come out the other end."

"Like Justin and Lexi?" Avery asked.

At the sharp intake of breath Burgess gave at the sound of their names, Avery backtracked.

"I'm sorry. They're in the photo." She gestured at the corkboard. "Erin told me about them earlier, that they both died a couple of years ago."

Burgess nodded, remembering Erin crying into her shoulder after Justin's death, and comforting Al when Lexi had died.

"How?"

She snapped out of her thought. "How what?"

"How did they die?"

"I'm – I'm not sure that's really my place to…"

"Oh, come on, Burgess –"

"You can call me Kim, you know. I'm only Burgess to my coworkers and when we're in the interrogation box."

"Okay. Come on, Kim. I'm so bored in here."

Burgess sighed. "Okay. Fine – fine! Justin…Justin was trying to help a friend get out of a sticky situation, and he was murdered for it. Erin and Voight found him in the trunk of his car with a bullet hole in his head and barbed wire wrapped around him."

"Oh my God," Avery breathed. "That's – that's so awful. I'm so sorry."

Burgess nodded grimly. "Yeah. It was. The only thing that kept Erin going through that, I'm pretty sure, was the fact that she had Jay."

In spite of herself, Avery smiled slightly. "And what happened to Lexi?"

"Lexi…Lexi was in college when she died. She was at a party in an old warehouse, and a complete _psycho_ locked the kids in there and torched the place."

"I heard about that," Avery said. "I mean, I was only a kid –" Burgess raised her eyebrows, indicating that in her eyes, Avery was still very much a kid, "—when I heard about it, but one of the other kids at this care home I was staying at was at that party."

"Thirty two young adults were killed that day. One of them as good as one of our own. There wasn't a single dry eye in the bullpen when we found out that Lexi had died in surgery. We'd all watched that kid grow up."

Her voice, like Erin's, began to grow tight and thick. Even years later, they still couldn't quite get over something as profound as losing someone who was like their little sister.

"I'm sorry, Kim. I didn't mean to bring back old memories; I just wanted to know why…"

Burgess shook her head again. "No, it's okay. I want people to know what happened to them. They died heroes, trying to help other people. And besides, grief like that is in the small print when you sign up at the academy. God knows this unit has seen its fair share of deaths."

Avery looked shocked. "There were _more_?"

Burgess smiled sadly. "Come on," she beckoned her. "I think you should see this."

* * *

Several minutes later, the cop and the young girl were stood outside the district, facing the plaques that were lined up over the wall. Burgess remembered trying to get Nadia's memorial stone printed, and how much effort Platt had been to in order to do so. Tears stung her eyes as the grief of that day came back and hit her again.

"Brian T Strousser," Avery read. "Richard J O'Brien. William J Luce. Julie B Willhite. Sheldon Jin. Nadia Decotis…who were they? Did you know any of them?" she couldn't explain where her sudden curiosity was coming from. She'd hated cops her whole life – or at least, once she'd realized that Detective Lindsay's words about "looking out for her" were no longer in play once she'd moved onto bigger and better things, she'd stopped believing that cops really were the good guys. She'd always just assumed that their hearts stopped working when they were on a case, and that when a case closed, so did their empathy. But seeing Erin, the very person who'd made her stop believing in the system, so choked up, had got her thinking, and had got her seeing, not just a badge and a gun in front of her, but a human being.

Burgess's face fell at the question. _Did you know any of them?_ "Three of them, actually," she said quietly, and Avery turned to face her.

"Sorry," she said again. She was stuck in that awkward place between wanting to know and not wanting to upset Burgess.

"No, stop apologizing," Burgess smiled. "Their names and their stories are right here. The fact that you want to know is everything. It's why we have these plaques. Jin I only knew in passing. He was Intelligence's tech guy, before he was murdered by a power-hungry Internal Affairs officer who wanted to take down Voight and was willing to sacrifice many an underdog on his way down. Willhite…she was in Intelligence, too. Amazing woman. Antonio's partner. Mom, wife, good friend – shot in the face while working a drug dealer turned murderer, died in the ICU. Erin was holding her hand when she died."

"Wow. That's rough. I didn't realize you guys…"

"In Intelligence we know what we sign up for. We risk our lives the same way these brave men and women did every single day, and we _want_ to. For the city. And for people like you."

Avery just nodded, still not entirely convinced. "Who was the other?"

"Hmm?"

"You said you knew three of the names up here, but you only told me about two."

Burgess swallowed. "Um, Nadia. Nadia Decotis. She was my friend."

"How did she die?"

Another deep breath. There had been a lot of these in the run of the conversation. "I'm afraid that really wouldn't be my place to tell you. Nadia was my friend, but she was Erin's _best_ friend. I'm sorry, but Nadia's story is Erin's to tell you, okay?"

Avery frowned slightly. "Okay," she agreed, her voice coming out as barely more than a whisper.

She hadn't realized that Erin, too, had lost her best friend. Apparently they had more in common than she thought.

* * *

The murder board in the bullpen was filling up pretty fast.

"That was Halstead," Voight addressed the team who had assembled – minus Antonio – in the room in front of him as he got off the phone with the detective, who was still at Chicago Med, waiting for Jason Andrews to wake up from the coma that he had slipped into after the surgery. "Jason has survived surgery and it's looking good. He's not out of the woods yet, but provided he wakes up in the next couple days, he should pull through."

The unit let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Al, Ruzek, I want you to go and talk to Jason's girlfriend. Matilda Hart, the parents said her name was."

"On it, boss," said Ruzek, and the partners left together. Al was muttering something darkly under his breath and Ruzek seemed to be laughing. They made a good team, even if they were a literal embodiment of the "old cop, young cop" dynamic. The rest of the unit sometimes joked behind their backs that they'd kill each other one day – they'd survive bullet wounds and gunfights and bombs, only to be driven insane by their partner.

"Erin, I want you to run these photographs past Avery. See if she recognizes any of them," Voight commanded. "And Burgess, Atwater, can you visit Jason's school. Especially the basketball coach."

"Sure," Erin said, and Atwater and Burgess began to gather their things.

"Hey," Erin greeted the teenager when she entered the room. She didn't ask how she was – it was a little petty, she'd admit, but she was still annoyed at her comment before. Anyway, she _definitely_ wanted to keep this interaction impersonal. She was on official business.

"Hey," Avery replied. Clearly she hadn't forgotten their conversation earlier. "If—"

Erin held up a finger to silence her. "I need you to look at some photographs for us. See if you recognize any of these people."

She laid out thirteen photographs in front of her. Avery peered into each one carefully.

"No," she shook her head. "The guy I saw was definitely Hispanic. The guy who shot Luca."

"I don't mean the killer. I mean just – anyone you'd seen around Luca. If he was working to take down his uncle's operation, he must have had some contact with these people."

"Who are they?"

"Other victims."

"Are they all dead?"

Erin sighed. She was so _nosy._ "All but this one," she said, tapping Jason Andrews's photograph."

Avery peered down at the eighteen year old smiling back at her. "He's kinda hot," she said, shrugging. "Actually…" she frowned, thinking hard for a second. "Does he go to Lakewood?"

Erin frowned. "Yes, how did you…?"

"I saw him! He was talking to Luca, the other day. I only caught a glimpse of his face for a millisecond, but he had a letterman jacket on, and I could see the name of the school on the back. The only reason I remembered is 'cause I remember thinking that he was hot."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Okay. Did you hear what they were talking about?"

She shook her head. "No. But they looked pretty serious."

"Thank you," Erin said, and grabbed the photographs from the table.

Before she could leave the room, Avery stopped her. "Erin, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. Thank you for offering to help me."

The detective shrugged. "That's okay."

They smiled at each other briefly and Erin left the break room, calling her sergeant as she went.


	13. The Next Erin Lindsay

**_CHAPTER TWELVE: THE NEXT ERIN LINDSAY_**

Erin was sat on her desk, swinging her legs beneath her like a kid. The murder board had been pulled right up next to her desk where she sat now, staring at the faces of the thirteen teenagers who had been killed in the past few weeks. She raked a hand through her hair, and was chewing the inside of her lip quite aggressively as the thoughts raced through her head.

"Erin?"

Jay's voice pierced the ear-splitting silence and drew her back to reality. She jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, but softened when he laid a hand on her back.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded. "Thirteen kids…" she didn't need to finish the sentence, and Jay didn't need to respond. These kinds of atrocities didn't have words. Instead, he just rubbed circles on her shoulders in comfort, after checking that Voight had his head buried in his desk and wouldn't be able to see this little PDA in the workplace.

"Thanks," she sighed. "For agreeing to help Avery out. I know it's not ideal. But I really do think we can help her."

"I know you do," Jay said. He still wasn't entirely convinced. It wasn't that he didn't want to help her – he did. It was that he'd seen Erin get too attached before. He'd _seen_ the way that she tended to lose herself in the process of saving others, and how she was left empty when it backfired. He just didn't want to see the woman he loved hurt again. "But Erin, think about this, okay? She's not a kid anymore. She's not impressionable enough that you can just erase her past, but she's too impressionable for you to be sure that she's gonna be able to hold herself up."

Erin looked up at him. A small frown had nestled itself across her forehead. "Jay, I thought you were okay with this," she said. It was more of a question than a statement, and he picked up on her tone almost immediately.

"I –" he sighed in mild frustration. "I am. I'm gonna support you no matter what. But just…be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"I can handle it," Erin insisted.

"I know. I know." He backtracked. "As long as it's only temporary."

Erin nodded. "Yeah."

Their gazes drifted simultaneously to where Avery was sat in the break room still, slouched against the desk, tracing patterns on the table with her fingertip as she rested her head on her arm.

"I guess I should probably go and break the ice, huh?" he smiled.

Erin laughed softly. "Yeah…she probably needs to know that you're more than just the brooding police officer from the interrogation."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "That's brooding police _detective,_ actually."

Erin snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Noted. Get out of here."

He raised his hands in defeat and backed slowly out of the room. Erin watched her boyfriend as he opened the door of the breakroom and entered.

"Hey, Avery," Jay said when he walked in. He didn't have much experience with teenagers, but he figured that there were two ways to handle them: treating them like children, or treating them like adults. And something told him that if he wanted to get along with this one, he should probably go with the latter. "Guess you might be moving in with us for a while, huh?"

Avery looked up a little too quickly. "I thought Erin gave me the rest of the shift to decide?"

Jay backpedaled. "Yeah, she did! Just wanted to… _in_ formally introduce myself. You know."

"Okay," she raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead."

God, this was awkward. "So. I'm Jay. Erin's boyfriend."

A nod. "I know."

"Cool." _Nice._

"…Cool?"

"So, um. I just wanted to say that if you need anything then, uh, don't hesitate to ask one of us. Me or Erin."

"Can I ask you something?"

Jay was relieved at the change of subject. "Sure," he said.

"Does Erin really want to help me, or is she just trying to make up for last time?"

He took a deep breath. The truth was – even though he felt awful for it – he wasn't really _sure._ He knew she cared for the girl. And that she had a heart bigger than anyone he'd ever known. But he wasn't sure that this wasn't driven by guilt. "I think that she genuinely wants to help," he said slowly. "And I think that, despite what the _both_ of you think, she doesn't actually have anything to make up for. She did everything she could last time, you know that. You might not want to admit it, but you know that there was nothing more she could've done."

Avery bit her lip. "Mmm," she mumbled. She _did_ know it – well, at least, she did now. She hadn't for the past five years, and that was the problem, whether that was Erin's fault or her own. "And what about you?" she asked. "You'd be willing to let me come and live with you guys?"

The tiny hesitation that followed was all that Avery needed to let her heart plummet through her feet and shatter into a million tiny shards on the carpeted floor. She dropped her head and looked down at her knees, starting to pick at a ladder in her tights to distract herself from the overwhelming feeling of not being wanted. _Who's surprised?_ She thought bitterly. _I should be used to this by now._

"Yes," Jay said abruptly. Avery looked up. She hadn't been expecting that. "I mean. I wasn't sold on the idea at first –" here he was adopting the same tactic Erin had tried earlier. Pure, simple, and _brutal_ honesty. "But I can see how much Erin believes in you. And I believe in her. And I _want_ to help you. It's why I wear this badge every day. And besides," he added, kicking himself internally that he'd never thought of this earlier, "If Voight hadn't done the same thing for Erin when she was your age, I wouldn't have her. Who knows," he joked, "you could be the next Erin Lindsay. Now isn't that a scary thought?"

Avery rolled her eyes, pretending to be put off by the idea. Secretly, though, she was thrilled. "You must really love her, huh?" she smiled.

Jay was slightly taken aback by the sudden change in mood of the conversation, but he grinned nonetheless. "Yeah," he said. "I really do."

Outside, in the bullpen, Erin glanced over at the two, and saw Jay reach across the nudge Avery on the shoulder slightly in a friendly gesture. Her eyes widened and she smiled, her heart warming at the scene in front of her.

* * *

"Ollinsky, Ruzek, did you get anything from the girlfriend?" Voight barked as soon as the two detectives entered.

"Uh, yes, actually," Ruzek began. He walked over to the murder board. "Matilda said she saw Jason talking to Luca only a few days before Luca was shot."

"Makes sense – Avery said she'd seen the two together as well," Erin said, and Al nodded, deep in thought.

"She didn't catch what they were saying, but that it had been at some high school party. She said Jason wasn't normally one for parties, with his basketball schedule and the pressure on him to get into Yale, especially from his parents and the coach, but recently he'd been acting strangely, drinking, wanting to go out more, you know."

"So he wants to regain some control in his life," Jay offered. "I mean, it makes perfect sense. Kid felt like everyone in his life except for him had some degree of control over his future. What better way to feel like you're free than experimenting with drugs?"

"Except the drugs weren't the problem," explained Al. "When we asked Matilda, she said that he's only ever taken drugs once, and I rang Choi on the way over here and he just got back to me. There were no traces of any drugs in the kid's system. Not even steroids."

"Then how did he get in so deep with this operation?" asked Voight.

"Well, Matilda said that they were persistent. A kid like Jason, he had a lot to lose if something as bad as taking drugs were to come out. He'd forfeit any chance of a basketball scholarship, as well as his entire academic reputation _and_ his parents' name. She said that he'd been getting phone calls and kept being asked to sell drugs to other kids. They wouldn't let him go."

"And then he tried to get out?" added Atwater, who had returned with Burgess sometime in the conversation and had managed to piece together what they missed by the writing on the murderboard and the looks on their colleagues faces.

"It's looking like that," Al murmured. "It's probably why he was talking to Luca."

"Well, we don't know anything for sure yet," Voight reminded them. "Did you guys get anything?"

"Yes, actually," Burgess said eagerly. "Jason went to see the coach yesterday."

"Why?" asked Jay.

"To tell him that he was quitting the team."

"What?" Erin, Al, and Ruzek all exclaimed.

"This kid was the star player. Why on earth would he give that up?" asked Voight. "He had his whole future riding on his basketball career."

"Because he didn't want to go to Yale," Burgess said.

"Coach said Jason had just lost the spark in the past few months. He'd been playing sloppily. And when he went to see him to tell him that he didn't want to play in the playoffs this season, Coach said he nearly broke down. The kid just couldn't handle it anymore."

"Because of the drugs? He was selling, right? I mean, that's why he was shot."

Burgess shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, he wanted out. Of everything. The drug operation, basketball… My guess is he just got scared, and figured that the only way to protect his game and his team was to end it on his own terms."

"You're probably right," Voight agreed. "But even so, we definitely need Jason's side of the story. This is all speculation."

The unit nodded in agreement.

"Okay. Good work, everyone. I'll see you tomorrow. You can all go home, or…" he glanced at Al. "Wherever it is that you go in your spare time."

A collective chuckle rippled around the office, and Al grumbled something about a garage being a perfectly acceptable home.

They all slowly dissipated from the room, following one another into the locker room to collect their things and head home for the night – or to Molly's in the case of Ruzek, Atwater and Burgess.

"You ready?" Jay came up behind Erin as she was removing her gun and gathering the contents of her bag.

She took a deep breath. "No. Not really."

"Erin," Jay warned. "It has to be her decision."

"You're right. I know that better than anyone. I just hope that she makes the _right_ decision."

They walked to the break room together, but the second they were close enough to see in through the window, they noticed that Avery had completely vanished. The only tell that she had been there was the several empty coffee mugs that had piled up on the table and the side of the sink.

"What the….?" Erin exclaimed.

"She was literally here, the last time I looked over!" Jay began to panic. Had he said something to put her off?

Voight came running out of his office, where he had retreated to earlier, at the commotion. "What is it?" he asked in his familiar growl.

"Avery's _gone!"_

At the sound of the panic in her voice, Voight's expression fell. "Oh, Erin. Avery decided to pass on your offer. Sergeant Platt just came to fetch her while you were gone. I thought you knew."

Erin's eyes filled with tears and she tried to fight the fear that threatened to push them out over her cheeks. "Nope," she said, but her voice was strained. "I didn't."

"Hey," Jay said, and reached to put a hand on her shoulder. Erin shook it off. "Erin," he said, but she turned away from him, and started towards the door.

"Erin!" called Voight, and although she didn't turn around, she did slow slightly. "She made her choice. And she's not you."

At the silence that followed, Jay just smiled at Voight in a 'thanks-for-trying' kind of way, and he made to follow Erin out of the district, until Voight was left alone in the bullpen with only the sounds of the footsteps departing and the soft but proud sniffling that his daughter fought so hard to contain.

* * *

The car ride home was silent.

And painful.

Erin let Jay drive again, which was how he knew she was really upset.

Well, that wasn't strictly true. She made it to the car before him, and she got into the driver's seat as if she had every intention of driving them home. When he reached her, he opened the door to her side of the car and, without a single word, he put his arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Erin. I know you wanted to help." He murmured, running his hand over her hair gently.

She didn't respond, but he could tell, from the way her shoulders tensed up and her breathing became shallow and uneven, that she was fighting to keep her tears in. And he knew why. She thought that he was _happy_ about this. She thought he had wanted Avery to say no.

Jay had thought so too, until he saw Erin's face at the news that Avery had turned her down.

After a few moments, and a few muffled sniffles, Erin hugged him back. She pulled back, her arms around his torso, and smiled. And then she handed him the keys, climbed down from their car, and walked silently to the passenger's side.

They slipped ceaselessly into silence as they drove through the city and back to their apartment.

"Hey, Erin," Jay said, as the car slid soundlessly through the starlight soaked streets, "She might change her mind."

Erin smiled, but inside, she wasn't so sure.

 _It was too late._

"She didn't even say goodbye," she whispered.

And they spent the rest of the journey in silence.

* * *

The car ride to the care home was silent.

And painful.

And Avery didn't object to Platt's questionable taste in music that was blaring from the car radio, which was how the Sergeant knew she was really upset.

"It's not too late, you know. To turn around. I know where Erin lives," Platt told the young girl.

Avery shook her head and didn't respond.

Another silence.

"Can I ask you why?" Platt asked, and Avery turned to face her. It was only in the dim glow of the approaching cars' headlights and the passing streetlamps that Platt noticed how broken the young girl looked. In the district, the tousled dark hair and mascara smudges and torn tights and black doc martens had made her look tough, but now, when you added tear tracks to the mix, she suddenly looked incredibly, totally, broken. "I've known Erin since she was your age, and trust me, that woman was willing to give you the world."

"Doesn't anyone get it? That's the _point!"_ Avery cried. Another tear pooled in her eye, and before she could stop herself, they were inking salty tracks all over her grimy face. She didn't even bother to stop them. "I don't _want_ the world!" she choked out. "I'm not worth it. After everything Erin's been through, she doesn't deserve to have to fix me as well." Her voice cracked. "I'm not worth it," she repeated in a whisper.

It was all the Sergeant could do not to slam on the brakes and take Avery straight back to Erin and Jay's apartment. The only thing stopping her was the fact that she was acutely aware of how the system worked. If Avery wanted to live with Erin, she'd have to wait at least another few days. These things relied on paperwork, and unfortunately, Avery's had her bound to this home for at least tonight.

"Trust me," Platt muttered. "She is far stronger than you give her credit for."

Avery sniffed, wiping her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

"Oh, that reminds me." Platt tried to reach for her bag, which was nestled on the back seat. "Do you mind grabbing my bag? It's just—"

Avery nodded and reached for it, nursing it awkwardly on her lap.

"Okay, in the pocket – the front pocket … yep, that one – there's a card. Erin's card. I want you to take it, and sleep on your decision, and then if you have changed your mind by tomorrow, you call that number and Erin, I am sure, will be more than happy to take you in."

Avery nearly laughed at the déjà vu of the situation. "Thanks," she said. "But I already have her card." At the look on Sergeant Platt's face, she elaborated. "She gave it to me five years ago when she rescued me from the….you know."

"And you kept it?"

Avery shrugged. "I wasn't going to. I was angry at Erin when I realized that she would stop visiting for good, but I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. More than it reminding me of her, it reminded me of what I had been through, and I needed that, when I was in the homes. The reminder that I'd been through worse."

"Well then. You know you can always change your mind."

Avery nodded, but inside she wasn't so sure.

 _It was too late._

"I didn't even say goodbye," she whispered.

And they spent the rest of the journey in silence.

* * *

The second that Erin and Jay made it through the door of their apartment, the phone rang.

"I'll get it," Erin said, and kicked her shoes off. She disappeared into the living room and Jay heard her answering with a tired sounding, "Hello?"

A few seconds later, she padded back into the hallway where he was hanging up their coats. "It's Will," she said. "And he sounds _way_ too excited."

Jay's eyes widened in alarm, suddenly remembering that the last thing he had said to his brother was about how he and Erin were possibly going to foster Avery. _God,_ he hoped he hadn't said anything to her.

"Hey Will," Jay muttered down the phone. "I have a cellphone, you know."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Apparently you don't, though."

Jay frowned and fished around in his pockets for his cell. "Ah, shit," he said, when he finally found it. "I guess it died and I didn't notice. Anyway, now you have me. What's up?"

"'I think I just agreed to fostering a child'?" Will quoted from their last meeting. "Care to explain that one to me?"

Jay lowered his voice. "Uh, well, long story short, it's not happening anymore. A kid Erin helped out from a case five years ago was back as a witness to our current case, and Erin offered to help her out, but the kid turned her down."

"I'm sorry, Jay. I know how much you wanted kids."

"Nah, this was only gonna be temporary anyway," he told his brother. "I'm just gutted for Erin. She really believed in that kid, wanted to help her turn her life around like Voight did for her."

"Yeah, that's gotta be tough." He paused, listening to something on the other end of the line. "I've gotta go. Nat's calling me. Take care of yourself, brother, and send Erin our best, won't you? Your time will come, I promise."

"Thanks, Will. I appreciate it."

He hung up, and ventured into the kitchen to see if he could locate Erin. She was sat cross legged on the kitchen counter, eating ice cream straight out of the tub.

"You started without me?" Jay joked, his voice quiet but tender, as if he were speaking to a child.

Erin just handed him the spoon, a blob of cookie dough on it. He bent over and she fed it to him, smiling slightly.

"Want anything to drink?" Jay asked her, reaching for a beer from the fridge. Erin just shrugged and shook her head.

He climbed up onto the counter beside her and sat next to her, their shoulders pressing together. "You know," he told her wisely, "They have chairs for this kind of thing."

"But where's the fun in that?" she pouted, and ate another spoonful of ice cream.

"That is very true," he replied.

"So what did Will want?" she asked.

"He wanted to know what was going on with the Avery situation," he confessed honestly.

"You told him already?"

"Well, he was kinda there when you rang me to ask, so yeah. I felt I owed him a bit of an explanation after he overheard parts of _that_ conversation."

Erin nodded, and then reached over for Jay's beer, taking a swig and then putting it back into his hand and trying not to snort when she saw the look on his face.

"You know, I did offer you a drink," he raised an eyebrow. Erin smirked.

"But where's the fun in that?"

Jay chuckled and leaned over, taking her face in his hand and kissing her forehead. Her eyelids fluttered shut and she breathed into him, nestling her head into his shoulder as his arm cuddled her close.

"Will and Natalie send their best." He whispered into her hair.

A small nod.

"And so do I." He swallowed. "Erin, I feel awful. I know you thought I didn't want Avery to live with us, and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. The truth is, I wanted to help that girl – well, I wanted to help _you_ help her. I just didn't want to see you hurt again."

Erin looked up. "I know," she said gently. "I don't blame you. It was a big ask – and I'm really grateful that you said yes. Even if it didn't work out. Thank you."

She kissed him.

"I love you," Jay told her.

"I love you, too."

They sat there in silence for a while, leaning with their back against the cupboards. Jay's legs hung over the side of the counter while Erin's stayed crossed like a child's, and they took it in turns to drink the beer and eat the ice cream.

After a while, Jay spoke again. "Please don't be sad," he said.

Erin didn't know how to respond to that. "I…I don't know _how._ To not be sad."

A deep breath. "Then lean on me. I've got your back, no matter what."

"Always," Erin said.

 _Always._


	14. Been There, Done That

**_CHAPTER THIRTEEN: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT_**

Erin didn't take the next day off work, although she probably should have. Both Jay and Voight knew that she needed to take a step back and look after herself, but they also knew her well enough that she would never agree to leave behind the job that gave her a reason to keep going.

So she did. She worked her hardest, burying herself in alibis and leads and witness statements, scrolling through Facebook profile after Facebook profile and watching traffic cam video after traffic cam video, trying to find peace in another clue; Jay looked up at her every now and then and every single time, she seemed to be engrossed in the case, her whole body alert and poised in concentration and anticipation. But he knew her better than that: he knew that her eyes weren't focusing on the words on the screen in front of her, the license plates were jumbling and her suspects were blurring together.

She felt numb.

"How is she?" Burgess came up behind Jay's desk. The noise in the bullpen – keyboards typing and the coffee machine brewing and Ruzek's voice on the phone to some person of interest – was enough that Erin's ears didn't quite pick up on her friends' whispers behind her back.

Jay sighed. "She's devastated. She says she's fine, and I know that she's trying to be for me, but she's absolutely crushed."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out," Burgess rested a hand on Jay's shoulder. "But for what it's worth, she still has you. I know that having Adam there for me back when I was going through everything with Nicole made all the difference."

"Yeah, I know."

"Do you mind if I talk to her? I have an idea of how to cheer her up." A smile crept onto Burgess's face and her eyes began to light up at the idea that was formulating itself in her brain.

"By all means," Jay said.

Burgess grinned.

* * *

"Are you gonna be okay?" Jay asked Erin. A few days had gone by since Avery's rejection of her offer, and Erin was still upset. Hiding it, sure, but she wasn't quite back to her usual self. She was curled up on the couch, a pillow to her chest, flicking through television channels. Documentaries, to be precise, which was how Jay knew she needed comfort.

"Yeah! For the last time, Jay, I will be fine. Go out and have fun with your brother, for God's sake!"

He almost laughed at her tone of voice. "Okay. Fine. I'll be back around eleven, and I'll text you when I'm on my way home."

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"That's probably Will." He made his way to open the door. "Don't eat all the ice cream."

She looked mildly offended. "Shut up," she laughed, and lobbed the cushion at his head. He ducked, but a shocked looking Burgess got a face full.

"Well," she said, and Erin snorted, her hand jumping to her mouth in embarrassment. "Sorry…"

Burgess shifted slightly in the doorway and Erin strained her neck when she saw that there were more figures behind her: Gabby and Natalie.

"What are you guys doing here?" she asked.

"We are here to cheer you up, and to make you stop feeling guilty over what happened with Avery," Natalie said. She smiled. Her eyes were kind and her heart was warm, and Erin could feel the love radiating from her friends the second they stepped over the threshold, Jay gesturing for them to enter as he held the door open.

"It was Burgess's idea," Gabby explained. "She thought you could use a little pick me up, and since Matt is at a conference tonight and apparently I'm good at the whole 'tough love' thing, they brought me along, too."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

Gabby grinned. "Yes, really. You did everything you could, and that girl is stupid for not seeing that. Now move over," she tapped Erin's legs and flopped down onto the couch next to her, pulling her friend in for a hug.

Natalie followed, carrying two purses, from one of which she pulled out a six pack of beer. At Erin's baffled expression, Gabby snorted.

"I'm also here for the booze," she said. "I own a bar, you know. Molly's. You might have heard of it."

They laughed. "Yeah, come to think of it, that does ring a bell…" Natalie smiled at their friend's sense of humor.

"Wait, Nat, if you're here, and Jay and Will are going out, who's looking after Owen?" Erin frowned.

"Jay and Will are not going out, actually," came Jay's voice from behind the couch where the four girls had managed to squeeze into. "I'm just going over there to chill with Will for the evening."

Erin smiled up at him, reaching her hand to cover his, which he had laid on her shoulder. "You knew about this?" she asked.

"Yeah. You need cheering up. Spend time with your friends. They love you, and I love you, and we need you to be happy."

"Thank you," she whispered. Her eyes filled with tears. What had she done to deserve someone who loved her as much as Jay did?

"You girls have fun!" Jay said. "I'm gonna head out. And," he pointed at them in mock seriousness, "Don't eat all the ice cream."

They laughed. Jay grabbed his keys from the mantelpiece and disappeared into the hallway.

"I'm looking at you, Gabby!" he called.

"Not cool, babe!" Erin yelled back.

Gabby snorted. "Still too weird?" she asked.

"Just a bit," Erin nodded, screwing her nose up at the reminder that her boyfriend had dated one of her best friends.

Jay laughed from the other room, and they heard the door closing behind him.

"So," Burgess said. "Where _do_ you keep the ice cream?"

Erin chuckled, and looked around at the three outstanding women around her. Burgess and Natalie clinked wine glasses while Gabby swigged from a beer bottle; heads tossed back in laughter, eyes creased with elation as they discussed the things that needed to be discussed and laughed away all the burdens that each woman had settled on her shoulders.

* * *

"So Kim," asked Gabby in her typical way.

"Mmm-hmm?" Burgess mumbled through a mouthful of the mint choc chip ice cream that Natalie had retrieved from the kitchen a few minutes previously.

"What's the deal with you and Ruzek?"

Burgess choked slightly on her ice cream at the suddenness of the question. "Uh," she said, when she had regained enough dignity despite her blushing cheeks to form a coherent sentence. "There is no deal. We're…"

"Girl, if you say you're 'just friends' right now I am going to punch you," Gabby raised an eyebrow, and Burgess blushed even harder. Erin and Natalie looked at each other and giggled slightly.

"Well, then. We're taking things slow," she said.

"That's good," said Natalie, "If it's what the both of you want. As long as you're being honest with each other, that is."

Burgess sighed. "I think we both want to get back together and make things official, but we also don't want to put any strain on our professional relationship, you know? After all the – no offense, Erin – relationship drama that Voight has had to put up with over the years, it isn't really fair."

Erin shrugged. "At least you don't have to deal with him acting like an overprotective father, too."

"Yeah, fair point," Burgess laughed.

"Anyway, Voight got over mine and Jay's split easy enough, and then he knew that we were both pretty broken up when I left for New York, and he was practically _begging_ us to get back together by the time I made it back home."

Burgess just looked at her, an eyebrow raised. "Because Jay was having mental breakdowns and his PTSD was spiraling. You probably saved his life."

Erin took a deep, shuddery breath, remembering the circumstances that had brought her back to Chicago. They were terrifying circumstances that had her clenching her fists on the flight over so hard that her knuckles turned white and her fingernails pierced the palms of her hands and left scars. Every time she opened her hands she was reminded of Voight's voice down the phone, after he had gone to her apartment, just because he was her dad and he _missed_ her, and had found Jay sitting in the middle of the floor with a gun in his hand and his face so pale he almost had to check him for a pulse, his forehead covered in beads of sweat so pristine they were like fresh dewdrops on an April's morning, his entire body shaking so hard that the sergeant had dropped to his knees in front of the detective and begged him to calm down. Every time Erin looked at her hands, she remembered the way they had stroked Jay's hair when he had been taken to the psychiatric ward of Chicago Med; the way they had wrapped around Will when he heard the news and came running to see his brother; the way they had held Jay together as they curled up on their couch together, watching David Attenborough all night, and how she watched him, without sleeping, for days on end.

Jay had his scars from Afghanistan, but some of them were on her body too.

Burgess seemed to have noticed the look that came over Erin's face when she had been reminded of what had happened to warrant Voight's blessing – for the second time – of their relationship. "I'm sorry, Erin. I didn't want to bring up old wounds."

Erin shook her head. "No, it's okay. But Burgess, Voight gave his blessing to you and Adam once, too. I'm sure he'd do the same again."

Burgess laughed at that. "I was _shot._ He didn't really have a choice. It was give his blessing or promote me – and he chose the former."

"As I seem to recall, he actually did both. You were the one who turned down the Intelligence offer."

Burgess shoved Erin's shoulder jokily. "Okay, fine. But I still don't think he'd be sold on the idea a second time around."

Gabby and Natalie had been quiet, but now it was their turn to speak up. "If it makes you feel better, it took me and Casey _several_ near death experiences before we realized our feelings for each other."

Natalie looked slightly alarmed. "Okay, now I feel left out. Mine and Will's story seems a bit lukewarm in comparison. You guys should sell the movie rights, I would pay to watch some of those stories."

Gabby laughed. "Hmm, I'm not so sure. I think people would get a bit bored of just seeing Casey and I being rushed into hospital every two minutes. It's not quite as glamorous as you might think."

"Trust me," Natalie laughed. "I know."

"Well, at least neither me nor Jay has been shot, I guess," Erin offered, slowly regaining her usual banter, "Or been trapped inside a burning building…oh, no wait. My bad. Been there, done that."

"Shut _up!_ " Natalie laughed.

"Also," Gabby raised a finger. "Jay _has_ been shot."

Erin rolled her eyes. "Oh my God, don't remind me. Was this before or after you guys slept together?"

Gabby snorted. "Both, actually," she mumbled through a mouthful of ice cream, and then dodged to avoid the pillow that came hurtling through the air, aimed at her head. The girls laughed.

"Anyway," she continued when she had returned to an upright position. "You guys are only together because of me."

Erin scoffed. "Since when?!"

"Well, since I was the one who got Jay shot, and Jay was promoted to Intelligence because of it and because Antonio wanted to thank him for helping me out with the whole Molly's situation, and you guys met because of this promotion, you should really be thanking me."

In spite of herself, Erin laughed loudly. "Mmm. Well then. Thank you. Next time maybe you could try setting people up without bullets?"

Gabby shrugged. "It's not as dramatic, but sure."

"So changing the subject," Burgess tried, strategically steering the conversation towards some slightly more user-friendly topics that didn't involve PTSD, burning buildings, bullet wounds, or anything that could lead to death, "Have you got any wedding plans that you're willing to disclose yet, Natalie?"

"Ooh, yes!" Gabby squealed. "I _love_ big white weddings! Tell us everything, Nat, pretty pleeeease." She batted her long eyelashes and pouted, gazing up at her friend with her big brown eyes. Natalie chuckled.

Erin raised an eyebrow at Gabby's enthusiasm. "You and Matt got married in your sweaty turnout gear."

Burgess snorted, and Natalie tried to stifle a giggle.

"Um. That is _so_ not the point," Gabby said indignantly, but Erin was grinning.

Natalie reached over Gabby's legs, which were draped over her lap, and grabbed her purse, from which she drew a huge wedding scrapbook.

"No _way!"_ Burgess's eyes lit up. "Hey guys, remember when Adam and I were engaged, and Platt gave me her old wedding planner?"

Erin laughed. "That old thing? Really?"

"Oh my God, I think she showed it to me as well. After her wedding, when me and Casey moved back in together," Gabby said too.

"Well, hopefully this is a bit more elegant than your Sergeant's?" Natalie chuckled, and handed her friends the book. They opened it and devoured it hungrily, letting out 'aw's and 'ah's and little gasps whenever they saw something gorgeous. Erin's eyes met Natalie's over Gabby and Burgess's heads, which were buried in the book, and they smiled at each other.

 _Thank you,_ Erin mouthed. She didn't say for what, but Natalie knew.

Just being there with her, being normal, being friends, was enough.


	15. You'll Be Safe

**_CHAPTER FOURTEEN: YOU'LL BE SAFE_**

"Hey, babe, I'm home!" Jay called when he got through the door.

"We're in here!" came the reply, and Jay shook his head, chuckling softly to himself at the drastic change in his girlfriend's voice since he left her. He was always amazed at the power of women and their ability to rally together. It almost made him jealous, that he could never quite match that level of intimacy that is only possible between women.

They were all snuggled on the couch together, heads leaning against each other's shoulders, and they had a huge blanket draped across them, a Spanish telenovela playing softly on the TV screen. Gabby was explaining to everyone how she thought that actually this certain character was behind it – whatever _it_ was – and how all the viewers were screwed over because _this_ character should have ended up with _that_ one, but the writers were "so shitty that they cheated us out of a proper ending. Can you believe it?!"

Jay gasped in horror. "How dare they!"

Erin shot him a 'don't-encourage-her' glance, shaking her head. Jay grinned back.

"Did you and Will have a good time?"

"Yeah, actually. What about you?"

Erin smiled. "Yeah. We did. Thanks for this."

He crouched behind the sofa and rested his head on her shoulder. "Don't thank me," he said into her hair, and kissed the side of her face. "Well, I'm turning in for the night. I'll see you in bed."

"Okay," Erin whispered, and squeezed his hand. "Night."

"Do you want us to leave?" Burgess asked.

Erin shrugged. "You're welcome for as long as you want."

"It's about time I made my way home," Natalie said. "I don't want to leave Will with Owen for _too_ long. He's had so many babysitters these past few days he probably doesn't remember what I look like!" she joked. "Speaking of which," she cocked her head to the side and gave Erin a narrow-eyed stare. "My son had some very interesting questions for me the other night. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Erin opened her mouth to respond. "Uh…" was the only the thing that came out. "Nope?" she tried.

Natalie laughed. "It's okay. It could be worse. He could've asked where babies come from."

"Oh, God. Yet another reason not to have kids, I guess," Erin joked.

She didn't realize that Jay could hear her from the other room. And that her words detonated the bomb attached to his heart, and with that small sentence, it shattered against his ribcage.

* * *

Jay woke up when he felt Erin climb into bed next to him and slip her arms around his bare torso, burying her face in his shoulder and breathing in the faint smell of cologne and spearmint that was so familiar to her; he wanted to be angry at her, he wanted to be upset that she had dismissed having children so blatantly in front of all of her friends – in front of _him_ – but how could he when she kissed the nape of his neck so gently, and when he turned to face her, the sight of her lying next to him was enough to make his heart swell and the rest of the world to melt away into nothing as if he was living his life through the lens of a camera, and Erin was the only thing in focus.

They snuggled closer together in the darkness, their foreheads touching and their breaths mingling, and their eyes closed against each other. They didn't need to say anything – this was becoming quite the trend really, letting their small actions and body language speak louder than their words ever could – but Jay couldn't help himself.

"Are you happy?" he whispered into the dark. They were so close together that he could hear her breath hitch slightly, and he could feel her forehead start to crease in that adorable little frown that she gave whenever she was thinking intently about something, and he could almost see her eyelids flutter slightly despite the darkness that lay all around them.

"I don't know," came the reply.

"Are you sad?"

"No. Not anymore."

"Good."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

More silence. Jay opened his eyes. Her breathing had stilled slightly and he thought she might be asleep, but he still had more to tell her. His evening with Will and Owen had just made him even more sure of the fact that he felt that he had something _missing_ from his life, something that he had only just now come to realized was fatherhood, and watching Erin sleeping so silently and peacefully and – God damn it, _beautifully_ – he became more and more certain with every breath she took, that he wanted to have a family with _her._

"Erin?" he whispered. He was propped up on one arm now, his blue eyes gazing down at the single strand of highlighted hair that had fallen across her face and the gentle smudges of makeup on her eyelids that hadn't quite made it off with the makeup wipe; the AC/DC t-shirt that she was sleeping in, a few sizes too big, that she'd bought a few years ago when he complained about her always stealing his shirts – she'd bought it several sizes too big on purpose, so that it was baggy enough to wear without shorts underneath (his size, to be exact), but she had forced him to wear it around for a while, even though he _hated_ AC/DC, because she wanted it to smell like him – and the subtle rising and falling of her chest that he couldn't help but cherish since their recent struggles. She was here, and she was alive, and those tiny movements were enough that sometimes he had to pinch himself to remind himself that this was _real_.

"Mmm?" she mumbled, and moved her head slightly to show him that she was awake, still, even if fatigue had made her eyelids too heavy for her to open them again.

"I've been meaning to ask you…"

Just then, Erin's phone buzzed from the dresser. _Of course,_ thought Jay bitterly. _The universe is out to get me, I swear._

"I've got it," he whispered, and kissed her on the nose when she made to get up.

"Thanks, babe," she mumbled, and buried her face in the pillow.

He grabbed her cellphone from the bedside table and squinted at the light of the screen, trying to make out the caller ID. Blocked. He frowned. "Erin's phone?" he asked down the line cautiously.

"Detective Halstead?" came a sob from the other end. "Please, I need your help. It's Avery. I made a m-mistake. P-please. I don't know – I don't know what to do. I – I c-c-can't…"

She was sobbing and shivering so forcibly that she could barely get the words out. "Avery, slow down," Jay spoke down the phone. At the sound of Avery's name, Erin sat straight up in the bed. "Where are you, honey?" he asked.

"In an alleyway off Wicker Park," she managed to stutter out.

Erin had thrown herself out of bed and was searching through the clothes she had discarded on the floor for a pair of jeans, which she was stuffing her legs into hastily.

"We're gonna come and get you, okay? Just sit tight. Try to keep warm. We're on our –"

The line went dead.

They looked at each other and took a deep breath. Grabbing jackets – a spare for Avery – and keys and Jay's shirt, they almost fell out of the front door and down the elevator until they reached the parking lot. The call had come from a phone box, otherwise they would have kept her on the line, but instead all they had to go on was "an alleyway off Wicker Park".

* * *

Each second dragged. It felt like an eternity to reach Wicker Park, an eternity in which she was painfully aware of what was at stake: each second was made up of a thousand milliseconds, and each millisecond was made up of a thousand microseconds, and each microsecond was made up of a thousand nanoseconds, and Erin was able to count each one as if it were dancing in front of her in slow motion. She kept slapping the dashboard in frustration – she had been drinking, and Jay wouldn't let her drive – until she saw the familiar roads and buildings that brought her ever closer to Avery.

Jay parked the car and they got out, shivering at the icy bite of Chicago's harsh November, and he reached out to her, hugging her in close. "We'll find her," he said, and she nodded.

On the way over, she'd googled all the phone boxes in the area, so at least they weren't working completely blind. She hadn't wanted to bother whoever was on shift at the district at this time of night, especially as Jay said the chances of them finding Avery high were probably greater than the chances of him beating her at target practice – a futile attempt at a joke to lighten the mood, but Erin appreciated it nonetheless. She even played along, batting away his hands and assuring him that, by his logic, Avery would be completely sober.

They found her at the third phone box. Shivering, shaking, crying, freezing.

 _Bruised_.

Her eyebrow was cut and her eyes were blackened, her cheek swollen.

"Avery," Erin whispered, her voice sounding as fragile as Avery looked. "What happened?"

She shrugged, but the tear tracks down her cheeks and the utter terror in her eyes was more than enough to counteract any sense of nonchalance that she tried to express. "I got in a fight," she stuttered back, her breath catching in her throat.

Erin reached down to her. She felt as though she were approaching an unfamiliar dog; everything felt weak, the air brittle and the calm as though it might snap in two. She bent down to her knees, quickly grabbing the spare jacket from Jay and wrapping it around the girl's frail, shuddering shoulders and then tilting Avery's face up by taking her chin between her fingers. Laying a gentle hand on Avery's brow, the girl winced, and Erin clenched her jaw. If she ever found out who did this to her…

Jay held back. He felt the tension in the air as much as Erin had – everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and his heart lurched when he saw Avery finally crumple into Erin's arms.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed, her fists tightening around the hood of Erin's jacket so tightly that the muscles in her arms began to spasm ever so slightly.

"Shhh," Erin whispered, looking up at Jay over Avery's shoulders. "It's okay. Everything is gonna be okay."

She rocked Avery backwards and forwards slowly, stroking the dark hair that lay splayed underneath her fingertips.

"You're safe now, I promise."

After a few minutes, they rose to their feet. Jay took Avery's arm and Erin took the other, and they led her to the car.

Erin and Avery sat in the backseat, and the detective kept her arms firmly wrapped around the teenager the whole journey. Whenever Jay looked in the rear view mirror and saw them back there, his heart seemed to swing inside his chest.

He couldn't help but think of what he had wanted to talk to Erin about earlier, and although he was sad that this turn of events meant that he would have to put off the conversation about the possibility of starting a family for even longer – at least until Avery was gone – what hurt him more was how distant he suddenly felt from his girlfriend. The space between the front seat and the back of his car had never felt greater than that drive home, and he had never felt so far away from everything he once thought he was a part of.

And he couldn't help but wonder if Erin felt it too, or if having Avery curled up to her on the leather seats was enough for her not to feel the same loneliness.


	16. Leave the Pancakes to Me

**_CHAPTER FIFTEEN: LEAVE THE PANCAKES TO ME_**

Avery woke the next morning in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar apartment, in an unfamiliar side of town.

The smell of burnt pancakes, however, was enough to make her feel at home as she made her way into the kitchen and saw Erin spluttering over the hob, waving a tea towel frantically at a smoking pan.

"Uh…" Avery mumbled. "Morning?"

"Avery!" Erin spun around, smiling slightly awkwardly, embarrassed at having been seen in such an uncomfortable position. "This…" she tried to explain sheepishly. "This doesn't _usually_ happen."

Jay emerged from their bedroom, hair ruffled and a bemused expression on his face. He was also completely shirtless, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Avery hovering by the door to the guest room.

"Uh…" she said again. "Sorry?"

Jay looked slightly embarrassed but he didn't move to put a shirt on. Instead he just shrugged, and walked around the counter to wrap his arms around Erin from behind and kiss the top of her head.

"Babe, no offense, but leave the pancakes to me."

She swatted him with the tea towel. "Jay Christopher Halstead," she scolded. "I am _perfectly_ capable of making pancakes!"

Jay just picked up a clump of pancake batter from the pan, holding it up to the light. "It looks like charcoal."

"It does not! And that was just the … prototype. I'm perfecting the recipe."

He raised an eyebrow and reached for the coffee machine. "You want coffee?"

"Yes, please," Erin said.

"Avery?" he looked over.

She was looking awkward, still hovering as if she wasn't quite sure whether they wanted her to stay or to go, although there was the faintest trace of amusement on her pale lips as she watched the two police officers in their domesticity. "Hmm?"

"Coffee?" Jay asked.

"Uh, yeah. Please."

"Avery, you can come and sit down, you know," Erin instructed. "Sorry. We're kind of…new to this whole thing. And Jay, can you _please_ go and put some clothes on?"

"Oh, I don't mind," Avery joked, and Erin laughed.

"Is that so?" she raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth slightly in mock offense.

Jay grinned, earning him another smack from the tea towel.

"Okay, I'm going, I'm going."

He retreated back into their bedroom, leaving Erin and Avery sat at the breakfast bar.

"So. Cereal for breakfast?" Erin offered, and Avery smiled, nodding.

"I'm sorry, Erin, for being a pain. I didn't know who else to call."

Erin's face fell, and she reached across the table to take Avery's hand and squeeze it in her own.

"Avery, honey, listen to me. No matter what you think, I'm not doing this by any kind of obligation, or because I feel bad about what happened the last time. I just want you safe. So you are _more_ than welcome here, for as long as you need, okay? This is your home too, for as long as you need it to be. You are most certainly _not_ being a pain."

Avery nodded. _She means the case,_ she thought to herself. _Until the case is over and I've testified in the trial._

"So what's the plan for today?" Jay asked as he reemerged from the bedroom again, dressed in a grey shirt and jeans, his usual work attire. "We're working, right?"

Erin nodded, chucking him an apple, which he caught and took a huge bite out of.

"Well," she said. "Avery, I would just get you to come to the district while I'm working, but I'll have to clear it with Voight first. We also need to make sure that we have all the paperwork right, which probably means some DCFS red tape and all that, later. I was just gonna ring Voight now."

Jay nodded. "Okay."

He handed out the mugs of coffee and sat down next to Avery.

"Cereal, huh?" he noted. "Good choice."

"Shut up," Erin laughed.

And despite herself, Avery laughed too.

* * *

After they had made sure that all the paperwork was done correctly and that Avery was officially in Erin's care for the time they needed her to be in protective custody, Erin finally made it to the district for her shift. She had talked it over with Voight, and he had given her the day off, but she still felt bad for not contributing to the case as she probably should be, given the nature and circumstance of her relationship with Avery in the first place.

"Hank, can I talk to you for a second?" Voight looked up from the murderboard and the rest of the unit turned to face Erin as she spoke directly and breathlessly to their Sergeant.

They had heard, from Jay and from Voight, about what had happened last night, and were simultaneously eager and hesitant to see how Erin was dealing with the situation.

"Sure. My office."

She nodded her greeting to her colleagues, smiling warmly at Burgess in a kind of 'I'll-fill-you-in-later" gesture and she followed Voight through the door to the dimly lit office space at the back of the bullpen.

"What's up? Where's Avery?"

Erin sighed. "She's with DCFS. I need your signature to say that it's absolutely critical she's put in protective custody."

Voight just shrugged. "Where do I need to sign?"

She smiled at him, and handed him the paperwork. "Just here," she pointed, and Voight scribbled his name messily on the dotted line without so much as a pause to consider the situation. "Thank you," she seemed relieved.

"How is she?" Voight asked gruffly, shrugging off the thanks because he knew that she already knew he would always, _always,_ help her.

"Not great," Erin said weakly. "She was high and half frozen when I found her, and covered from head to toe in cuts and bruises. She won't tell me where she got them, but everything I know about her tells me she set one foot in the home, found the biggest kid she could find, and picked a fight. She feels guilty. It's what I…"

"It's what you would have done," Voight finished for her.

Her shoulders lifted slightly and the corners of her mouth turned down. _What can I say?_

"So why are you really here?" he changed the subject, albeit not very drastically.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that Halstead is here. He could easily have gotten my signature and run it back to you and DCFS. Why are _you_ here?"

Erin took a deep breath. "I'm really that transparent, huh?"

"You forget," Voight told her, "I've known you since before you knew yourself."

A soft sigh, and Erin gave way. "Ok, fine. I came to ask your advice. I'm scared, Hank."

"Hey," he said, and put both hands on Erin's shoulders. "That's okay. I was scared to death when I took you in, and I had Camille and Justin to worry about, too, and how they would react. You have Halstead, and he's _more_ than okay with this whole situation, I promise. You have nothing to be afraid of."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "Jay's more than okay with this? He said that?"

Voight's mouth opened slightly. _Shit._ He'd just been saying what he thought would make her feel better – and what he had assumed would be true. He didn't realize…

"Not in so many words, no," he backtracked, and Erin's shoulders tightened beneath his grip. "But Erin, that boy _loves_ you. He'd do anything to help you out, and his heart's in the right place. Trust me, as soon as he sees what a difference you're making to that kid's life, he'll come around."

"Thanks," Erin smiled, but she wasn't convinced.

"Besides, it's only temporary, right?" Voight said, and Erin nodded slowly.

"Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about that," she said. She saw the look on her Sergeant's face and almost laughed. "No, not in the way you're thinking. I just mean…would it be possible to get Avery into a local school? I don't know what her current schooling situation is, but I think it would be better for everyone – for my sake as much as her own – if she had somewhere to go during the day."

Voight smiled. "I'll see what I can do, kiddo. Now, you go back to Avery, and you tell her that if she ever needs anything, we're all willing to help out." He spun her around, so that they could both see the bullpen antics playing out. Ruzek had walked past Burgess's desk for the umpteenth time and she was scowling, still staring at her computer screen and trying to ignore Atwater, Jay, and Antonio laughing knowingly from the other side of the room. In spite of herself Erin smiled. At her unit, her friends…her family. And her boyfriend.

Voight, on the other hand, frowned. "Even if they act like complete _dorks_ while working a _murder."_

Erin laughed. "Okay. I will. Thank you, again."

"Don't mention it, kiddo. You'll be amazing." He pulled her in for a hug and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and pretending, for a second, that she was sixteen again and all she needed to make her feel better was a scoop of ice cream and a hug from her foster father.

Which, she suddenly realized, was probably what Avery would need, too.


	17. Fight For Her

**_CHAPTER SIXTEEN: FIGHT FOR HER_**

"So that's it?" Erin asked, her eyebrows arched slightly. "No more paperwork or anything?"

The social worker, Sharon Macintosh, sighed. "It depends what you mean by 'it', Detective."

When Erin didn't respond, she continued.

"Since Avery is only in your custody for protective measures, yes, it is a significantly easier arrangement than should you be deciding to foster her for the first time, but you're not in the clear yet. I spoke to your Sergeant, and he's agreed to let me sit in at the district for a few hours each week when Avery is there – just so as not to spook her out or draw any attention to your residence while you're still working the case."

Erin nodded, trying to keep up with what she was saying.

"Speaking of your residence, I understand that you are cohabiting with your boyfriend, a … uh…Detective Jay Halstead?"

"I – yes. That's correct," Erin replied.

"Well, then, I'm going to need to meet with him separately before anything is set in stone."

"Okay," Erin frowned. "I don't see…"

"Ms Lindsay, you have to understand – normally, I wouldn't even _consider_ this as a suitable placement for Avery. Leaving a fourteen year old witness to a murder with an unmarried couple who both work full time, long hours, one of which has a history of substance abuse and the other, not too long ago, was booked into the Chicago Med psychiatric ward for PTSD. Now –" she saw the brief anger flash across Erin's features and hastily continued before she could be interrupted, "-I've been doing this job for long enough now that I know that there's so much more to a person than what's on paper, and I can see that you and your partner are good people and that you want what's best for Avery. I have placed this girl in twelve different foster placements in the past four and a half years, and none of them have been so eager to actually help her as you seem to be. So for that reason, and that reason alone, I'm going to ignore what it says here," she tapped the brown folder containing all of Erin and Jay's information that she held tightly to her chest, and smiled at the detective, "and treat you as just another client."

Erin didn't even realize that she had been holding her breath until it freed her lungs and released a shaky breath.

"That being said, I'm going to need to keep a close eye. This placement may be only temporary, but I will not hesitate to withdraw my blind-eye and remove Avery from your care at the first sign of trouble, do you understand me?"

Erin nodded. "Yes, of course," she agreed. She made it look as though she had utter confidence in herself and her abilities to care for a deeply troubled fourteen year old, but she was so nervous inside that her palms had become all sweaty and she could practically hear her nervous heart ferociously pumping blood around her tensed body.

"You've spoken to your sergeant about arranging a placement at a new school for Avery, I hear," the social worker prompted.

"Yes," Erin told her. "I think that would be the best for her. A fresh start, you know?"

She nodded.

"Besides, I think I'll rest easier when I'm working if I know that she's surrounded by a safer environment and responsible adults," Erin added.

"What school are you planning on sending her to?" _So many questions._

"Voight knows the Principal of Saint John's, and he owes him a favor or two."

"Saint John's, huh? That's expensive."

Erin shrugged. "Like I said, he owes Voight a few favors. Anyway, like you said, it's only temporary, right? I would never _dream_ of sending Avery there long term – frankly, I think she'll hate it – but she needs the structure and discipline of a school like Saint John's, at least at first. Voight's arranged a place for the first few months. It's hers if she wants it. I'll drop her off myself each morning and I've asked the Principal to make sure that she won't be allowed to leave without either me or Jay there."

"And what if you or Jay can't make it?" she asked. Erin wondered if this was what it was like to be on the other side of an interrogation.

"Uh, one of my colleagues should be able to take care of it. Voight, maybe, or Burgess, if he's busy."

"And if you're all out somewhere on a call?"

"Sergeant Platt should be able to take care of it, or…" Erin thought for a second. Of course! She nearly slapped herself at not having thought of it sooner. "Will. Jay's brother. Or his fiancé, Natalie."

"Okay," she seemed satisfied. "Can I ask you to fill out these emergency contact forms for me?"

Erin raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said no more paperwork?"

To her surprise, the social worker laughed. "There is _always_ more paperwork. You should know."

Erin grinned; Sharon seemed to be warming up to her. Taking the pen, she filled out a form each for Natalie and Will – thanking her lucky stars that her friends were doctors, and hoping that Sharon would be impressed – as well as one for Voight, one for Burgess, and, for good measure, one for Gabby and Casey, hoping that their experience with DCFS and the foster system from back when they fostered, and nearly adopted, Louie, would earn her a few extra points.

"Here," she handed back the forms, and Sharon took them, her narrowed eyes scanning the page to see that she;d done it correctly, before placing the papers inside her brown folder and snapping it shut.

"All done," she said lightly.

Erin breathed another sigh of relief.

"Oh, and one more thing."

Erin stopped short, nodding nervously.

"I think we should all go out for dinner tonight. You, Avery, Jay, and I. I'm going to stop by the district later to talk to Jay, but I think it's important to make sure Avery doesn't feel like everything is going on behind her back and that she doesn't have any control. I know I said I'd cut back on the normal house visits, but as long as you and Jay are there – you can ask your Sergeant to count this as overtime, bring your badges and your weapons, whatever – it shouldn't be a security problem, right? I've known Avery for years, so she's comfortable around me, and I just think getting her into a more neutral ground, such as a restaurant, is a better idea than anything on familiar territory, you know?"

Erin nodded. "Okay, but I'll have to swing it by Voight first. No promises."

"Thank you," Sharon said. "And just so as you know, I don't _usually_ ask foster parents to bring guns to dinners out."

Erin laughed lightly, but stopped herself when she realized that the social worker had referred to her and Jay as 'foster parents'.

"Uh," she said. "We're not… _foster parents_. At least, not at the moment. We're just cops, doing our jobs, helping a person of interest in protective custody, right? Like you said, it's only temporary." But her voice was small and uncertain, and, in spite of herself, Erin found herself wishing otherwise. _It's only temporary_ , she'd said, but she knew that she was reminding herself more than Sharon.

Something told her that the social worker was very, and happily, aware of the transience of the situation.

* * *

"Jay Halstead?" A voice from behind the detective made him jump slightly and he nearly spilled the coffee that he had just made himself all over his hand.

"Yeah…?" he said slowly. "Who's asking?"

"Sharon Macintosh, from DCFS? I'm here to talk to you about Avery Murray."

Jay remembered the phone call from Erin earlier, warning him, and he jumped into action. "Of course!" he beamed. "So lovely to finally meet you," he offered her his hand and she took it gingerly.

"Mmm," was her only reply.

 _Damn,_ he thought, _Erin had said she was cold, but…_

"Well, can I get you anything?" he asked. "Tea? Coffee?"

"Just a glass of water will be fine," she said pointedly.

When they had settled down at the table in the breakroom like a proper interview, Sharon started asking the questions.

"So, I get the impression from Erin that this whole situation has been initiated by her?"

Bam! There it was. _Straight in there, Sharon, don't hold back_ , Jay thought sarcastically.

"She was the one who extended the offer of help – and she came up with the idea of Avery coming to live with us, yes," he told her. "But she asked me how I felt about it before she made any decisions, of course."

"And what did you say?" she asked, after she had scribbled something down into her notepad. Jay tried to read it upside down but before he got a good look, she leaned forward on the desk, covering her notes with her elbows as she shifted her weight towards Jay and clasped her hands together. She had a tiny shrug to prompt his answer.

Jay swallowed. "I said that I support her no matter what, and that if she feels that she – _we_ – can make a real difference to Avery, then I'll back her decision a hundred percent."

"Even though it could mean a thousand new problems for both of you, as well as all the strain that it would put on your relationship?" she raised an eyebrow.

Jay stared at her. This felt an awful lot like an interrogation. What did she want from him? "Trust me, I can handle a teenage girl. And trust me, Erin and I are not going to have any… _tension_ because of this. Like I said, I support her no matter what."

The social worker shook her head. "It seems to me," she muttered. "That you two haven't thought this through at all."

Jay stared at her again. "Excuse me?" he asked, stunned. _What the hell?_

"Neither of you have the faintest idea what you're doing. I'm sorry, but I can't let Avery stay with you just because you _want_ to help. She isn't a piece of furniture, you can't just fix her up using an instruction manual and then go on your way. And especially given your history, and not to mention Erin's –"

Jay was _furious._ His fists had balled at his sides and a vein throbbed in his neck, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he tried to control his temper. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" he demanded quietly, avoiding eye contact with her.

"I mean," Sharon sighed in exasperation, "that you can't seriously expect me to leave a fourteen year old girl in the custody of an unmarried, full-time-working couple, half of which is a recovering drug addict with priors such as possession and solicitation, whose mother is a convicted murderer, and the other half is a mentally ill cop who has also had restraining orders and allegations of excessive force!"

She was near shouting at him now, and Jay was absolutely fuming. The rest of the unit, who had previously been sat outside, engrossed in phone calls and paperwork at their desks – or pretending to be, at least, while they attempted to eavesdrop like the nosy cops they were – had now dropped any pretense and were openly staring at him through the glass.

"I'm sorry, Detective Halstead, but I just can't, in good conscience, grant you and Detective Lindsay custody of Avery."

She packed up her things, and opened the door, leaving it slamming shut behind her and Jay's heart breaking and stomach sinking because he really, _really_ did want to help Avery out – seeing her shivering and sobbing and shooting up the previous night had been enough to convince him that she needed their help – but also because he couldn't bear the thought of having to tell Erin that it was _his fault_ she'd have to send Avery back into the system again; _his fault_ that Avery would think she'd been right the whole time when she said that they'd just spit her back into the system when they were done with her; it was _his fault_ that Avery would lose hope and go back to hating the one person who was truly willing to fight for her.

 _Fight for her._

That was it.

Jay saw Sharon crossing the bullpen, and he saw his colleagues' eyes following her as she went, and he knew Voight was in his office next door and would see everything – and he didn't care. This was his only chance.

He flung open the door and stepped out into the bullpen.

"You're wrong," he spat. "You're _wrong."_


	18. The Best Chance She Has

_**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: THE BEST CHANCE THAT SHE HAS**_

"You're _wrong."_

His voice was slow and he tried to keep his anger contained but it could still be heard in the tense vibrato that ricocheted around the room and found its mark right in the social worker's back. She stopped when she felt the words hit her, and turned around.

"Excuse me?" her voice was incredulous.

"I said," Jay repeated, no longer trying to keep his voice down. They were in the bullpen in front of all his colleagues, sure, and he was sure he'd face _hell_ from Voight when this was over, but he found that he just didn't _care._ Not this time. "You don't know what you're talking about. Every day, Erin and I, we come to work and we see people shot, and raped, and tortured, and abused! Everything that Avery's been through, everything she's seen - so have we! Yeah, maybe we're not the perfect guardians – we're damaged goods, but who isn't? Did you ever think that maybe that's _exactly_ the reason why we would be so good at looking after her?"

Sharon narrowed her eyes, but before she could speak, Jay cut her off. His voice had risen to a shout, the same voice he used when he was trying to intimidate a suspect into a confession.

"Listen to me. You take this away from Avery, and you've taken away the _only_ people who are fighting for her right now. Because who else is? Her best friend was just _killed,_ for God's sake! She's completely alone! And the one person who is supposed to be helping her is trying to take away the best opportunity this kid has had in years!"

Voight had left his office at some point during this commotion, but Jay only just now noticed, as he shifted in the corner of his vision. He was expecting his usually stern boss to interrupt the interaction but instead he seemed as transfixed and shocked as the rest of his unit. He was, too. He hadn't realized that Jay felt so strongly about this – naturally, he'd assumed that he would be supportive of Erin and when Erin had told him that Jay wasn't actually a hundred percent down with the idea, Voight had been mildly surprised. Now, he was sure he'd been right all along: no matter whether Halstead was entirely comfortable with the situation or not, no matter what his personal opinions were, he was ready to fight like hell for what Erin wanted. In spite of the seriousness of the situation and the scene that was playing out in the middle of his bullpen, he smiled.

Jay must really, really, love her.

Sharon looked almost as shocked as the rest of the unit, who were sat there, gawping at their colleague, who was normally so calm, shouting at a red-faced and pointed looking social worker. But no one said anything, hoping that Jay would continue.

"You take Erin Lindsay away from this kid and you take away the best chance she's got," he spoke quietly, but the silence in the room meant that everyone – even Atwater, who was hovering in the hallway pretending that he was staring intently at the door frame and hoping Jay hadn't noticed him (which he had, of course) – could hear him.

And those words seemed to speak louder than any he had shouted at her in his anger.

The social worker blinked.

"Okay," she stuttered. "Thank you for, uh…your – honesty. I will…I'll think about it."

"Thank you," Jay said coldly, and turned on his heel and stalked over to his desk where he sat down and switched on his computer, staring intently at the screen and making a big show of typing away at nothing until she had left and he could finally breathe.

Jay could feel the eyes of everyone he worked with on him, burning a hole in his wall of pretend nonchalance after his outburst – or the heat that he was feeling would have been his anger. He couldn't explain _why_ he was so angry at Sharon for what he had said. It wasn't like he didn't already know that he and Erin would probably be turned down as _official_ foster parents if they were ever to apply in the conventional way, but something about the way she said it, or the fact that she said it all to him while he was in his place of work – there were photos of dead children Avery's age, photos of Avery's _friend_ , on the murderboard right outside where they were sat, for God's sake! – that really got under his skin. Maybe it was just the sudden realization, after seeing Avery the way she was the previous night, that Erin had been right all along, and that there really was no one looking out for the hundreds of Averys across Chicago who didn't have an Erin Lindsay to fight for them.

Or maybe it was just Erin Lindsay.

(Who was he kidding? It was _always_ Erin Lindsay.)

Because despite everything Jay already knew about her past, everything he'd seen and experienced with Bunny, and Jimmy, and Charlie, and Annie, and Teddy and Justin and Voight…he would never, _ever_ be able to reconcile himself with the fact that a little over fifteen years ago, Erin had _been_ Avery.

And the thought of Erin Lindsay not being allowed to stay with Voight just because he didn't look good enough on paper or in front of lawyers; the image of Erin in Avery's thin, bruised and beaten body, high on God knows what and scared as hell and cowering in a dark alleyway without a Voight to save her and help her and love her; the thought of Erin being denied the future that she had grown into so radiantly and saved countless lives because of…

That made Jay angrier than he'd ever even known was possible – and he'd known a lot of anger in his day.

And now that he thought about it, it all seemed perfectly clear: of _course_ Erin was the reason.

As far as he was concerned, Erin Lindsay was _always_ the reason.

* * *

When Jay made it home after shift – still not much progress on the case, although Antonio was working on a CI that may be able to get them a sit down with one of the low level dealers in the gang – Erin and Avery were waiting for him.

"So how was your day?" Erin greeted him, a knowing look etched into her concerned eyebrows as she kissed him on the cheek and Avery slurped loudly on a can of diet coke from the breakfast bar.

"I, uh…Erin, can I speak to you for a second? Alone?" he asked quietly, and Avery took the hint, jumping down from the stool.

"Don't get too frisky," she raised an eyebrow. "I'm here, remember, so apologies if your sex life is a little compromised because of me."

Erin snorted and then remembered that she was meant to be a responsible adult and put on her telling-off face. "Avery!" she scolded, but she couldn't hold it properly. She softened. "Get out of here," she shooed her, and as Avery disappeared into the other room, Erin turned to face Jay. "Babe, what is it?" Her voice turned serious when she noticed the grave expression on his face.

"Erin I'm really sorry," he looked up at her from where she had sat at the table. "I think I might've blown it for you and Avery."

Erin's face seemed to fall temporarily, but when she spoke again, it was soft and loving and pure, and Jay realized that her seeming disappointment hadn't been directed _at_ him, but it was _for_ him, because she loved him, and _of course_ she already knew about what had happened, because Voight had witnessed it; but even though he knew all this, Jay still didn't understand why she wasn't angry at him, and – w _hy was she smiling?_

"Babe," she took his face between her hands and lifted his chin so that he was looking into her hazel eyes and she could see that his own blue ones had glossed over with tears and guilt and she smiled at him because "it's okay. Hank told me what happened, and it's _okay._ I told her the exact same thing. I just got off the phone with Sharon, she said the placement is _fine._ "

"You're not mad at me?" Jay bit his lip.

"Jay," she shushed him. And as if to prove her point, she bent over and kissed him lightly on the lips, "I'm not mad. I love you. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to you because I know this wasn't easy for you and I know that taking in a fourteen year old probably doesn't fit with your life plan but Avery needs our help and I don't know if I could do it on my own. And I love you. Also Burgess said you kicked _ass_ today, and I couldn't be prouder."

Jay laughed a little, sniffling slightly through the tears that had welled up throughout Erin's little speech, and Erin stroked the side of his face.

"She had it coming," she giggled. "For sure. It's about time someone told her."

"Thanks," Jay breathed, leaning into her hand. "I love you, too."

Before they could kiss again, Avery came barging through the door loudly. Erin and Jay pulled apart hastily, embarrassed, and turned to face Avery in the doorway.

"Okay," Avery announced. "So what time are we leaving?"

Jay shot Erin a confused glance and Erin grinned back at him. "I forgot to tell you!" she said, clapping her hands to her mouth. "Sharon wants to meet us for dinner. Since it's Avery's first _official_ night here, she said it would be good to get away and have some time on a more neutral grounds."

Jay's face fell dramatically. "I – uh…don't think that's the best idea," he muttered.

"Jay. It'll be fine. Anyway, since Avery's _technically_ in protective custody, this _technically_ counts as overtime. And, like I said, there's not much she can do about it now. She has all the official documentation, so she needs better cause than you just yelling at her –"

"You yelled at my social worker?" Avery interrupted. "Nice!" she raised her hand for a high five but Jay just scowled and her hand dropped feebly to her side.

"Anyway," Erin glared at Avery. "If this dinner goes well, and it will, she won't have any reason to pull the plug."

"Okay, fine," Jay said. "But only 'cause it's overtime." He stood up to go chance, and, without thinking, Erin slapped his ass as he left, and Jay laughed loudly as he made his way into their bedroom, leaving Erin to blush violently at the look on Avery's face, who was just staring at her in baffled amusement, eyebrows raised.

"Okaaaaay," Avery said sarcastically, with a hint of disgust on her teenage features. "You can go after him if you want," she whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Erin, which only made the detective blush even more. "Don't bench yourself on my account."

Recovering herself, Erin frowned. "Avery," she warned. After a moment's pause, she muttered under her breath, "but actually. Yes. I do need to change." She got up and followed Jay into the bedroom.

"Don't worry, I'll turn up the TV!" Avery yelled from the living room.

"Jay!" Erin hissed as she joined him.

"Yeah?" he mumbled. He was utterly shirtless but had started changing into a suit.

"Do you think this is all just a huge mistake?" Erin asked, her voice suddenly nervous and her face creased with anxiety. "I mean, Sharon was right in what she told me – I don't know the first thing about raising a teenager!"

Jay stopped looking through his wardrobe and walked over to his girlfriend, placing his hands on her shoulders protectively. It was funny, he thought to himself, how much could change in a few minutes – how he could go from being so vulnerable and leaning on her so much to the complete other way around – but he guessed that was just their relationship in a nutshell. Leaning on each other, needing each other's support, even if they didn't want it.

"Erin," he whispered. "This is only a temporary placement. No one's asking you to raise her."

Erin just sighed, her eyes fluttering down to the floor.

"Hey," he said, lifting her chin up so that she had no choice but to look him straight in the face. "Do you remember what you said to me in the breakroom last week?"

She shook her head slowly, not quite sure what he was referring to.

"The day we babysat Owen together, you said you were worried because nothing would go wrong." Recognition flitted across her face as she remembered the moment he was talking about. "You said you were scared because you didn't know how to deal with people who aren't broken, because you only know how to fix people."

Erin swallowed. She wasn't sure where this was going.

"And as much as I believe that this isn't true, Avery isn't one of those people. She's as broken as they come. You wanted somebody to fix? So fix her."

"But what if it's like last time?" Erin whispered back, finally voicing the fear that had been eating away at her for days.

"What do you mean?" Jay reached forward and listed a loose section of hair that had fallen over her face and he tucked it behind her ear.

"I mean," she took a shaky breath. "What if it's like Nadia?"

Her voice was so quiet, so fragile, so broken as she whispered those words that Jay's heart broke for her.

"It won't be," was all he could think of to reassure her, but that wasn't fair. How could he possible promise that?

"How can you be so sure?" Erin replied, evidently thinking the same thing.

"Because I'm here this time, for good. You don't have to do this alone. We'll do it together. We'll keep her safe."

And Erin hadn't realized how much she'd needed to hear those words – _we'll do it together_ – how much she'd needed to hear them from _him,_ until they'd been spoken and suddenly she was so overwhelmed by his love for her and his constant and unwavering support that she crashed her body into his, wrapping her arms around him to tightly that he didn't quite know what to do with himself; the air was almost knocked out of him as her head buried into his bare chest and it took a few moments before his arms returned the favor, squeezing her shoulders so tightly he hoped all her broken pieces would fit back together.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."


	19. It Never Gets Easier

**_CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: IT NEVER GETS EASIER_**

Although Erin and Jay made an effort to dress up nice for the dinner with Avery's social worker, Erin wearing a gorgeous burgundy dress and Jay his suit jacket, Avery clearly hadn't received the memo. She traipsed out of her bedroom a few moments after Erin called her name, dressed in ripped jeans, her black doc martens, and an old t-shirt and hoodie.

"You ready?" she asked, and Erin just nodded, smirking slightly to herself as she noticed the similarities between Avery's wardrobe and that of her fifteen year old self. It made her smirk slightly sadly as she caught a glimpse of herself in the window over the mantelpiece, actually, because all the lipstick in the world couldn't cover that little girl up – but, with Avery here, for once Erin didn't feel like she needed to. That little girl _was_ her, so why should she bother?

"Let's go," Jay said, and, placing a reassuring hand on the small of Erin's back, he ushered the two women out of the door and shut it behind them, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what – and who – came next.

* * *

When they arrived at the restaurant, Sharon was already sat at the table.

"Are we late?" Erin whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Jay, shocked at the idea that her constantly-on-time-for- _everything_ boyfriend could possibly have been late to something as important as this.

Jay checked his watch. "No," he shook his head. "She's early."

Sharon had noticed them and waved them over enthusiastically. Jay frowned. This was a very different woman to the one he'd met (and yelled at) earlier.

"Erin, Jay," Sharon greeted them both with a friendly handshake. "Avery," she smiled. Avery just nodded her greeting, looking bored.

Sharon seemed to notice Jay's raised eyebrows and confusion at her change in character – as well as attire – and she winked at him, which just made him look even more baffled.

Seeing the awkwardness, Erin spoke up. "Shall we sit?""

Sharon nodded, retaking her place at the table. Avery sat down next to her, leaving Erin and Jay the seats next to each other and opposite her and Sharon. Erin took the seat next to Sharon instead of the one next to Avery that was the one she was naturally drawn to, noticing Jay's reluctance, and he smiled at her gratefully.

"So," Sharon began after the awkward silence that had fallen after the waiter had taken their order and left had become too much. "I assume you both want an explanation?"

Erin and Jay nodded, exchanging glances.

"Yes," Avery said. At the looks on the adults' faces, she continued, "I mean, Jay _yelled_ at you. Of course _I_ want an explanation – hey, maybe if it's good enough, I can sell the movie rights! I would _so_ pay to see that." The sarcasm dripped from her tongue, heavy and thick as lava.

"Okay," Sharon continued as if Avery had never spoken, while Erin and Jay put on their best adult listening faces and tried not to laugh. "I find that in cases like these, where there's a couple – and, usually, an unmarried one – applying to look after a child, there is always one of the two who is more keen than the other, one who initiates the situation, as such. Erin was clearly the one who came up with the idea, and I needed to ensure that Jay, you too, were up for this and ready to fight for custody of Avery."

"You mean it was a test?" Jay exclaimed, not quite believing it.

The social worker shook her head. "Not exactly," she told him "But if it were, you'd have passed. I was, however, genuinely concerned about both of your histories, and your work arrangements and how your timing would work out with Avery's schooling, but Erin proved to me that you could handle school and work timings, and Jay, well, you more than showed me that you and Erin are going to give Avery her best chance."

Jay smiled. "We will," he assured her – but everyone around the table knew that he was talking more to Avery than he was to Sharon. Erin reached across the table and squeezed Avery's hand.

"He's right," she said. "We will."

Avery smiled for a second before she drew her hand away and looked down at her knife and fork.

Erin smiled sadly. _Baby steps,_ she thought. Even a small genuine smile from Avery was progress.

"Besides, there was something Jay said that really got me thinking," Sharon said.

"Oh?" asked Erin.

"That maybe your pasts are exactly the reason why you would be able to look after Avery well."

Erin smiled, and she met Jay's eyes above the table, reaching her hand down underneath it to pat him gently on the knee.

Avery looked slightly confused by the whole situation, whether it was the newness of having someone there to fight for her, or because at no point during this conversation had anyone talked about what these "histories" and "pasts" actually _were._ Erin's, she had an idea of, but what had Jay been through that raised such a red flag for Sharon? Avery had no clue, but something told her that dinner probably wasn't the best place to bring it up.

Luckily, the waiter chose that moment to arrive with their food, and Erin chose that moment to launch into a fond description of Will and Natalie and Owen, and they eased gently into conversation.

By the end of dinner, Avery almost believed that they could be a proper family. Almost.

After dessert, they began to gather their things and made to leave. Sharon insisted on paying the check even though Jay and Erin protested persistently (persuaded, eventually, only by Avery's "Jeez, guys. Just take the free meal!"). Jay and Avery left first, leaving Erin and Sharon behind and making their way to the parking lot, still chatting.

Erin smiled as she watched them, and it was only what she bent over to pick up her scarf from where it had fallen during the meal, that she realized that Sharon was doing the same. "You know, I've been Avery's social worker for the past four and a half years, and every single placement that I've found for her has fallen through. It never gets easier, you know? Getting their hopes up only for them to lash out and blame you when it all goes wrong and inevitably ends."

Erin looked at her. "At least this time, she _knows_ it's only temporary?" she offered in an attempt to make Sharon rest easier.

Sharon nodded, and then suddenly, as if a light had been flicked on inside her brain, she snapped her head up to face Erin properly. "But what if it didn't have to be?" she asked, the idea sparkling in her eyes.

Erin's jaw dropped. "You mean –"

"I mean, this dinner went well. _Extremely_ well, in fact. I can see how dedicated you and Jay are, and from what you were saying about your friends and family, you have plenty of support. What if you, maybe, considered – considered becoming official, long term foster parents for Avery."

"Sharon…" Erin breathed. She didn't know what to say. "I really, really don't know if we're ready for that…"

"I – of course," she backtracked hastily. "That was unprofessional of me. I'm sorry."

"No, it's not that," Erin reassured her. "It's just…Avery _just_ moved in. This is all happening really fast…"

"I know," the social worker told her. "I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself. But seeing you guys with her really got me thinking." She paused. "Do you want to know what else Jay said to me earlier that really persuaded me?"

Erin nodded.

"'You take Erin Lindsay away from this kid and you take away the best chance she's got.'" She quoted Jay's words perfectly.

Erin choked up a little at the phrase. "I…" she began, but she didn't know how to respond.

"Erin, I think he's right. And I'm not asking you to make any decisions right away. You have until your case is over, after all, and the protective custody can be lifted…but just _think_ about it?"

Erin took a deep breath. She wanted it. _So badly._ Of course she did. If Erin really was Avery's best chance, then she'd do whatever she could to make sure that Avery stayed with her. But first, she needed to know that this was actually the case – and that she wasn't just clinging to Avery for personal, or worse still, selfish reasons.

"Okay," she caved. "I'll consider it. But no promises. And no one else finds out, understood?"

Sharon nodded. "Understood. Thanks, Erin."

The two of them followed Jay and Avery out to the parking lot. They had taken refuge from the bitter cold in the car, and were bonding excitedly over their mutual disgust of Erin's music taste. Apparently classic rock wasn't Avery's thing, either. She said goodbye to Sharon and made her way to the car, and threw open the door to the driver's seat where Jay was sitting, looking like a guilty puppy.

"Out," Erin commanded, and Jay saluted ironically, nudging Avery out of the passenger's side. She just shrugged and climbed over into the back seat, ignoring _both_ Erin and Jay's protests at her dirty shoes scuffing the leather seats of their precious car.

Erin shook her head and twisted the key in the ignition, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

Jay's phone rang suddenly and he answered it within seconds, seeing that the caller ID was Will.

"Hey, brother," he greeted him. "What's up?"

"Well, you seem awfully chipper. That got anything to do with a phone call I got from DCFS earlier?"

The knowing tone of Will's voice made Jay panic.

"Why did they…?"

"Relax, Jay," Will chuckled down the line. "Erin wrote Nat and I down as emergency contacts, and they rang to check that this was okay and that they had all of our information correct."

"Phew," Jay smiled. After this morning, he'd half expected Will to say he'd been interrogated by Sharon the way that he had.

"Anyway, where are you, little brother?" Will asked.

"Who's asking?" Jay raised an eyebrow. They were nearly back at the apartment.

"Me and Nat. We've been waiting at your place for the past ten minutes with a bottle of wine. Please tell me you'll be back soon. I've been dying for a drink all day."

"Uh…" Jay covered the speaker with the palm of his hand as he spoke to Erin and Avery in the car. "Will and Natalie are waiting for us to celebrate and meet Avery. You guys okay with that? I know it's late and we're working tomorrow, so I can get rid of them if you want…"

"No, I want to meet them," Avery smiled.

"It's not that late," Erin said. "And it's not like you have school tomorrow or anything."

"Okay. Yeah, Will," he returned to the phone conversation. "We'll be five minutes."

"Sweet. See you, Jay. And by the way…I'm really proud of you." He hung up before Jay could respond, but a huge grin spread across Jay's face nonetheless.

* * *

"Avery!" Erin called from the kitchen the next morning as the light streamed through the huge glass window and bathed Chicago in the fresh glow of a November morning. Jay had made breakfast – eggs on toast, Erin's favorite – but so far Avery hadn't emerged from her bedroom. Erin frowned. "Should I be worried?" she asked Jay, who just shrugged.

"It's only seven, and she's a teenage girl. She's probably still asleep."

Erin chuckled lightly. "After last night? I'll bet."

Will and Natalie had been at their place for _hours_ – drinking beer and laughing and chatting away to Avery. They told stories of their work, of Owen, of each other and how they met and of times they'd spent with Erin and Jay, and Will even cracked out some of the old baby Jay stories and told Avery some of the things the two brothers got up to when they were growing up, which made her laugh.

At some point during the night, though, Avery had snuck out to the bathroom without anyone noticing. She had stood over the bathroom sink, staring at herself in the mirror. She couldn't explain what was wrong – she was having a great time, and everyone here was being so _nice_ to her, and not pity-nice, either, genuinely _nice_ – but for some reason she just felt incredible detached. It was like she was floating above herself, watching her body talk and laugh and have fun, and she couldn't get back down to earth.

Maybe it was the drugs. Or, more specifically, the lack of them – she hadn't had a fix since Erin and Jay had found her in the alleyway and although she wasn't feeling it just yet, she had become slightly twitchy in the last hour or so, and she figured that the withdrawal was on its way.

Erin didn't know any of this, of course, and Avery didn't want her to. Although she was grateful to Erin for helping her out, she knew it was only temporary. And, in spite of herself, she hated the feeling that being here gave her: that she was a charity project. That she was dependent on somebody else. She didn't like _needing_ people.

So she splashed a bit of water on her face, smiled into the mirror and stepped outside.

"Erin?" she'd said quietly, and Erin had turned around.

"Is everything okay?" she asked her, a look of fond concern on her face as she put down her drink.

Avery nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just – really tired. Do you mind if I go to bed?"

Erin smiled. "No, not at all! Hey – I know this was probably a bit overwhelming for you, and I'm sorry if you feel that way…?" she said it as if it were a question, and Avery felt the need to respond.

"Uh…no – no, it was fun. Your friends are really nice."

Erin narrowed her eyes slowly, but didn't push. "Okay, well. Sleep well. Thanks for being so brilliant today, I know it's tough."

Avery just nodded. "Night." She looked over at Jay, Will and Natalie who were still deep in conversation. "Night, everyone. Nice to meet you."

"Night," Natalie and Will chorused and everyone started to chuckle at how utterly _adorable_ the pair were. Even Avery smiled slightly.

Erin watched as she disappeared into her bedroom and shut the door. She had the feeling that something was wrong but she couldn't quite put her finger on it – and if being in Avery's position herself had taught her anything, it was that she would never violate her trust by going into her bedroom when she wasn't wanted. So, even though she wanted to, she didn't go and check on Avery until the next morning.

She left Jay in the kitchen and went to go wake Avery up. Although her rule about Avery's bedroom being her own private place, she really did need to wake her up soon as she was supposed to be starting the school Voight had gotten her a place in today, and they were not about to be late.

"Avery," she called again, knocking twice on the door, but the second she flung it open, she noticed that Avery was nowhere to be seen – and the window was wide open, the curtains flapping in the early morning breeze. "Son of a…" Erin whispered, staring in disbelief.

 _Where the hell had she gone?_ And, more importantly – _why?_


	20. Who You Want Her To Become

**_CHAPTER NINETEEN: WHO YOU WANT HER TO BECOME_**

"What am I gonna tell Voight?"

Erin sounded completely defeated. She was angry, Jay could tell by the way she was pacing a hole in the rug that covered the wooden floor of their apartment, but the crinkles in her forehead and the way her eyebrows were twitching anxiously as she chewed the bottom of her lip gave her true colors away. She was _petrified._ And –

"Erin, trust me. This isn't your fault. You did _everything_ right."

She stopped pacing to look at him with a mixture of surprise and wonder. _How did you know that was what I was thinking?_ Her eyes asked him.

Jay exhaled and stood up from where he was sprawled over a chair at the breakfast bar. He didn't say anything back – he didn't have the words – and instead he just cupped a hand behind her head and slowly guided her into his arms. He felt her eyelids flutter shut against his arm and her body relaxed slightly, his hand moving to rub comforting circles into her back as he felt the tension and weight that had nestled itself on her shoulders. They stood there for a minute or too, just breathing together, trying to communicate just by their presence.

Erin nestled her head into him and thought about how she was just the right height to curl her head into the crook of Jay's neck so that if she went on her tippy-toes she could peer over his shoulder and clutch him back and if she curled her shoulders around and tucked her head into his chest she could pretend that the only thing that existed was Jay and the way that he smelt of that fruity cologne she'd bought him a couple of years back and he'd loved it so much that he still bought it, and she could always smell toothpaste on him, all fresh and minty and clean, and she loved it almost as much as she loved him because it meant that every time she smelled that cologne or that familiar breath of spearmint she smelled _home._

Jay rested his chin on the top of her head and closed his eyes, smelling the familiar white musk body lotion and jasmine perfume, and thinking about how perfect it was that Erin was just the right height that he could wrap his arms around her in a protective barrier, shielding her from the world when she wasn't ready to fight it, but that when she went on her tip-toes she could reach up enough to see over his shoulder and he loved it because even though he teased her about being short, when she knew he was upset she would stand up taller and put her hands on either side of his face and reach up, wrapping her arms around his neck to make sure that she could offer the same level of protection, and even though she was small and he sometimes forgot how strong she was when he had become accustomed to seeing her sleeping beside him in that _huge_ AC/DC t-shirt, completely peaceful and defenseless and _perfect,_ and he was reminded of her strength and her grace and her toughness every single damn time he was hurting.

And they almost reached that perfect equilibrium together, in the apartment, just listening to each other's breaths and breathing each other's smells and somehow managing to block out all the shit that had been going on for the past week.

Almost.

A key turned in the lock, oblivious to the couple inside.

The couple inside stayed exactly where they were, silently, so caught up in each other's presence that they continued breathing, and swaying ever so slightly, eyes shut. Oblivious.

An awkward cough.

Erin and Jay sprang apart.

Avery was stood in the doorway, wearing the same clothes that she had been wearing the night before. She was a _mess,_ there was no other word for it. Her hair was tangled and scraped back behind her head in a high ponytail and her makeup was smudged in dark circles under her eyes – but Erin recognized the look behind all the makeup in an instant. She had _definitely_ taken something.

Erin was about to go full-on protective mother mode when Jay surprised her.

"And where the hell do you think you've been, young lady?" he demanded, folding his arms across his chest indignantly.

"Out," Avery muttered.

"Oh no," Erin warned. "That is the worst excuse for an excuse in the book. And trust me, I _wrote_ the book."

Avery raised an eyebrow.

"Well?" Jay prompted.

"I was with some friends. Why is this such a big deal for you?"

"Why is this –" Erin yelled but stopped herself to calm down before she full on screamed at the child as if she were a suspect. "Why is this such a big deal? Because you are not here on holiday, Avery. You are in _protective custody_ because someone just _shot_ your friend."

"Yeah, thanks. Real sensitive, Erin," Avery mumbled back.

"I –" she stopped herself again. She looked over at Jay, whose face gave her all the reassurance she needed.

 _She should be the one apologizing. You did everything right._

"Avery. It's not safe out there for you at the moment. You need to stay _here_ , with _us_ , where you are _safe_."

She shrugged.

"You said I could come and go as I please."

"What?!" Jay looked at Erin.

"Back when you asked me if I wanted to crash here, you said I can come and go as I please."

"Avery! That was before…" Erin began in exasperation. But her expression softened and her voice lowered. "I was – we were _worried_ about you!"

"Yeah, well. Don't. I can take care of myself."

She barged past where Erin and Jay were stood, still in utter shock, but before she could disappear completely, Jay grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Are you high?" he demanded, and Erin could see the anger brewing behind his blue eyes, which were gently sparkling in the dim light that the apartment cast.

Avery flinched when he touched her and he dropped his hands immediately. She just shook her head, but she didn't say another word, and slammed her bedroom door behind her.

Jay and Erin turned to stare at each other.

Oh, God. They hadn't even _considered_ the possibility of, well.

 _This._

* * *

The drive to the district was in stony silence.

Erin drove, and her eyes were trained on the road ahead the entire way, only changing their expressionless stare when she needed to check the mirrors.

Jay's leg bounced up and down in the foot well of the passenger's seat. It was a nervous habit he used to have that got stamped out of him in his army days, but Erin had noticed the past couple of years that it came back a lot when he was agitated. The thought made her swallow and bite her lip as she steered the car in the direction of the Twenty-First District.

The tension was palpable as the three walked into the bullpen, and the second they were spotted by their coworkers there seemed to be a unanimous intake of breath that echoed through the office. It was enough to pull Voight from his office at the back, at least.

"Everything okay here?" Ruzek asked slowly, his frown shifting his focus from Erin, who led the group, to Jay, who was hovering just behind her, his hand held up behind her back protectively – but not so protectively that Voight noticed – and Avery hung back, staring at the floor as she traced its patterns with the tip of her shoe.

"Yeah," Erin snapped breathlessly. "Fine. Avery!" she called, and Avery looked up sulkily. "Break room. _Now."_

Seeming to realize that there was no use arguing with Erin at this point, and also that she was surrounded by people who had handcuffs and guns, Avery did as she was told. She made a point of slamming the door behind her and Erin's fists clenched at her side and she took a deep breath to steady herself. She closed her eyes for a second, and then turned to face Voight.

"Sorry," she said calmly. "Can I…?"

Voight gestured for her to follow him into his office. Jay hung back, not wanting to intrude, but Voight coughed loudly and Jay scuttled in after Erin, shutting the door behind them.

Just before the door closed, they heard Ruzek whistle loudly.

Erin rolled her eyes.

"What the hell was that?" Voight demanded.

Erin didn't answer, but Voight glared at her until she caved. "She didn't come home last night. I don't know where she was, she won't say, but she climbed out of her bedroom window and didn't come home until…"

The look on Erin and Jay's faces nearly made Voight burst into laughter.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Erin, I don't know why you're so shocked. I seem to remember you living part-time at my place and part-time on the streets for the first few months after you came to live with me?"

Erin scoffed. "That's not the _point_ ," she glowered.

"Well, what _is_ the point? This is a process, and she's not just gonna be a golden child the second you bring her in. It takes time, and patience –"

"The _point_ , if I can interject," Jay interrupted him. Voight gestured for him to continue. "Is that she came home high."

Erin could've slapped him. They were in a _police district._ Avery definitely did not need Jay running his mouth about her using drugs! Jay noticed her glare and shrugged at her. _He needed to know._

Voight looked at them both. "Is this true?" he asked Erin.

"Look, Hank. I'm not giving up on her. Whatever you think…"

"Erin," Jay warned, but he didn't go any further. He didn't want to go into this with Hank around.

"I know," Voight said to her, ignoring Jay. "Listen, I just want to make sure that both of you can handle this transition. I know it's tough. I know it's new. But you're two of my best detectives, and possibly my best team, and I need to know that I can rely on you, especially when the safety of that girl you two clearly care about so much is on the line with this case."

They both nodded immediately.

"You know you can, Sarge," Jay said.

"Of course, Hank," Erin breathed.

"Well, then. We're done here. You're doing great. It's only been a day, you can't expect any miracles immediately. I've been looking into rehab facilities in the area for teens, and I think I found one that will take Avery by day, and then you can have her at night. But you need to talk to her about it first. Coming home high one night doesn't make her an addict, and you're gonna isolate her if you make her feel like she is. She has to _want_ it, remember? And if she does, at least it'll mean she doesn't have to go to that school."

Erin laughed. "Yeah, somehow I can't really see her getting on well with those kids, huh?" She remembered herself in the same position.

Jay smiled hollowly and nodded his thanks at Voight. He turned and left the room.

Before Erin could follow him out, Voight gripped her shoulder and spun her around. "Hey, kiddo. You're doing great. You've done everything right. Can I ask you a question, though?"

Erin sighed. "Okay. Fine."

"Why are you helping Avery?"

"Because I want to give her the best chance she has. I want her to be okay. She shouldn't have to live the way she was living, bouncing around different foster homes, on the streets…no one should."

Voight nodded. "Okay. Just make sure that motivation stays the same. It's not some do-over for what happened the last time –" Erin tried to butt in but Voight just shook his head and continued, "— or for what happened with Nadia."

That stopped Erin short. The color drained from her face, and her lips tightened into a thin line.

"It's her anniversary in a few weeks. How are you holding up?"

Erin just shrugged.

"Just take care of yourself, Erin. Lean on us. Me, Jay, Kim – we've all got your back, this entire unit. We're your family."

"I know," she whispered. "Thank you."

"Oh, and Erin?" he continued before she could leave.

"Mmm?" she mumbled back.

"Just – no expectations, okay? Work with Avery as she is. Love her for who she is now, not for who you want her to become. No expectations. Just love."

Erin's forehead creased and her mouth opened a bit, and Voight knew his words had had the right effect. She nodded slowly, and left her boss's office.

* * *

The rest of the shift was long and tiring, and the other members of Intelligence could sense the tension between Erin and Jay for the duration of the day. Erin could tell Jay was pissed that she wasn't talking to him about what had happened, but she knew that it had less to do with her not talking to him and more to do with her talking to Voight instead. But what could she say? This was Voight's area of expertise, after all.

Ruzek did his best to alleviate some of it by cracking jokes and keeping conversations moving around and around so fast that it made them both a little dizzy, while Kim decided to tell Erin all about Zoe and Nicole and their new house and how Zoe was fitting in amazingly at their new home in Chicago and how Nicole had bought them a cat and they were throwing a party in a few weeks, would she and Jay and Avery like to come along?

"Gabby and Casey will be there, and I've invited Nat and Will, Sarah and Sylvie, if you're interested?"

Erin just smiled and shrugged. "We'll have to see, Kim. I'm not sure I'm feeling up to any parties just yet."

Kim winked back at her friend. "You have a few weeks to decide. Everyone would love you there, trust me."

Erin was grateful for the distraction – it had worked, for a while, and Erin was reminded of all the support she had – but the second she turned her gaze back to her computer screen, she remembered that she needed to somehow talk to Avery about getting her into rehab, and somehow just be okay with the fact that her boyfriend thought she was too weak to be around her own foster daughter.

 _Foster daughter._

She remembered what Sharon had asked of her, and swallowed. She still hadn't told Jay.

Her attention was drawn to the break room for a second as Ruzek had entered to make himself a cup of coffee and was chatting to Avery casually, laughing and offering her the carton of orange juice that they kept in the fridge but was probably out of date by now because the only reason they'd kept it in stock was because when Nadia worked there she used to love orange juice and it was a kind of legacy she'd left behind. She said that not everyone likes coffee that tastes of rat piss and is probably just as bad for you as rat piss, and that sometimes they had kids in here who would want to drink something other than plain old water.

They'd all taken the piss out of her at first, but when they saved a four year old and took him to the district and asked him for a drink, the first thing that had come out of his little mouth was "orange juice!" and he made little grabby hands when Nadia produced a carton from the fridge that she had been saving for herself, and ever since then they'd always had a full carton of orange juice in the fridge.

It was stories like that that made Erin miss Nadia even more.

Her eyes widened at the scene playing out in front of her. They were just so _casual._ So at ease. Laughing and joking and gossiping together – probably about her, Erin thought suddenly as she realized that this was _Ruzek,_ after all – but something about seeing her two worlds so happily and cohesively working alongside each other like this made her think.

Voight was right. Avery was a human being, and was filled with just as much potential and capacity to love and grow as anyone else in this room, and that somewhere in between a misguided attempt at trying to help and a need to rectify her earlier mistakes, Erin had forgotten that the one thing that kept her going when she was in the exact same place as Avery, was Voight's love. The fact that he didn't pressure her, he didn't try to force her to heal herself, but he gave her a safe space and he loved her, and treated her like an equal rather than just a screwed up teenager – which he had every right to do, from the way Erin treated him in the beginning – and that was _everything_ to her.

He made her want to heal herself, and he gave her the capability to _realize_ that she wanted to be healed. He helped her to help herself, and that was what she needed to do with Avery.

She needed to show her that she wasn't going anywhere. Not this time. She would walk through this by her side, help her to help herself, and carry her on her shoulders if necessary. But first she needed her to want it.

Voight's words from earlier echoed in her mind.

 _No expectations, just love._

 _Love her for who she is now, not for who you want her to become._


	21. I'm Not Gonna Choose

**_CHAPTER TWENTY: I'M NOT GONNA CHOOSE_**

They relaxed a little in the week after that. Or at least, they tried to.

Erin and Avery seemed to glide easily into a rhythm together, and although Avery was still going out late at night and usually coming home under the influence of something or another – Erin never wanted to ask – she was still around the whole day, and tried to be as helpful as possible. She'd been to visit the school, and had started going for a couple of days a week, here and there. They hadn't wanted to force her into full time education immediately, especially as she was still a witness to their investigation and since their case hadn't been progressing much, so they were still very much in the process of showing Avery photographs of every person of interest they had listed, and every relation of the family, in the vague and optimistic hope that she would recognize one of them as their shooter. No such luck so far.

One night, after Avery had come home flat-out drunk and Erin had tried to turn a blind eye, taking Voight's advice a little too far, she woke up at about 4am to the sound of the clinking of glass bottles and the dodgy light in the kitchen shining a smooth stroke of light into their bedroom, and when she left the comfort of her (empty) bed to see what was happening, she found Jay chucking bottle after bottle of beer, wine, champagne – even the special stuff they saved for Christmas and birthdays – into the bin.

"Jay!" Erin hissed through her teeth, trying to keep the noise down so as not to disturb Avery across the hall.

"Erin, I'm sorry, but I can't have this!" he told her, still throwing the bottles away.

"What the _hell?"_ she breathed, more in shock than in anything else.

"Listen. I know I'm just _supposed_ to be okay with this and all, and I'm trying to support you, but I just can't do it anymore!"

"Do what?" she shot at him in an angry whisper. "Support me? Or is this still about Avery?"

He shook his head. "Erin, you don't understand."

"I don't –" she bit back the words in the way she always did when she was angry. _Think first._ She'd gotten herself in to much trouble in the past for acting before thinking. " _I_ don't understand? Then enlighten me. Go on. I'm listening."

She folded her arms tightly across her chest and tapped her foot impatiently. Her nostrils were flared and her eyes wild with fury. _What was his problem? Why the hell couldn't he just trust her? She wasn't fragile, and she certainly wasn't weak. He_ knew _this. So what was happening?_

He took a deep breath and stood up. "Okay. Fine." Both his hands went to her shoulders. "I just don't think it's a good idea to have her around you when she's like this, especially given your…"

Erin could feel the anger rising in her throat as she fought to keep her cool. "My what, Jay?"

"Your history! Jesus, Erin, I'm not gonna tiptoe around this anymore. You're a recovering addict and you're letting someone on drugs stay in the same house as you? That's not healthy! It's _dangerous!"_

She was fuming now. "A _recovering addict_? Is that all you think of me, Jay? I've been sober for nearly five years, for God's sake! Am I really that fragile? Do you really not trust me that much?"

"Erin, that is not what I meant. I'm just trying to…"

"Just trying to _what,_ exactly?"

"I just want to keep you safe," he said quietly, and his voice wobbled dangerously, so thick that the words were barely distinguishable. "Why can't you understand that? I'm _worried_ about you, Erin. I love you and I need you to be safe!"

Erin clenched her jaw again. "I am safe, Jay. I haven't _touched_ any drugs in nearly five years. And trust me, I've been in more tempting situations than this. I'm sober. And the last thing I need is you _doubting_ me!"

"I'm not doubting you, Erin, you know that."

"Then who are you doubting? Avery? Because I'm not giving up on her, Jay. No matter how much you want me too."

He didn't reply. She had told him everything he needed to know.

Erin swallowed.

 _I'm not giving up on her Jay,_ had been what she said.

But _I'm choosing her,_ had been what he heard.

"Jay, I'm not gonna choose. I'm not choosing between you and Avery. I can't, and it's not fair of you to ask me to do that," she read his mind and tried to put it at ease.

It was his turn to clench his jaw. "I know," he muttered, but he didn't meet her eyes.

"Listen, I'll talk to her, okay? About the rehab facility. But like Voight said. She's _not_ an addict. She's just a kid, and she's having fun, or at least, she thinks she is. I can handle it. I'll make sure she knows that there are absolutely no drugs in the house, okay? And I'll give her the option of the facility. In case she does need it."

Erin turned around and left him in the kitchen. She wanted to go over and reassure him; he was so desperately worried about her that it broke her heart. It didn't help that her very worst fear – that Avery coming to live with them would come between them, come between one of the only good, stable things she had going on in her life – seemed to be coming true.

And a knot settled in her stomach as she switched off the light and pulled the covers tightly around herself, drawing her knees to her chest, and that tiny voice of self-doubt from years ago awakened from its dormant sleep in her mind to whisper _but maybe he's right. Maybe_ _you aren't strong enough._

She hadn't noticed, and neither had Jay, but Avery had been stood in the hallway listening to every word, the light of the moon reflecting in the tear tracks that traced her face when she realized that Erin had not only been a kid with a shitty childhood whom a cop had helped, but she had been in the _exact same_ situation as her.

When she realized how ungrateful and horrible she had been to be staying out late and coming home _high_ when the person who had so kindly granted her a place to stay and food and shelter and _love_ was an ex-addict herself.

When she realized that this past week must have been absolute _torture_ for Erin, but she didn't say a word, didn't make a fuss, just kept making Avery feel safe and at home.

Burgess's words from before Avery had even moved in, echoed in her mind.

 _Every time she loses someone it's more than a fight for her to come out the other end._

Now, she knew exactly what she had meant.

* * *

Erin woke Avery early the next morning by flinging open her curtains and bringing her a cup of coffee.

"What time is it?" Avery moaned sleepily, dragging the pillow over her face as she squinted at the early Chicago sun.

"Seven?" Erin frowned. "It's not that early."

"Yeah, maybe not for your ex-military boyfriend, but for us normal folk, it's too damn early to be woken up."

Erin lifted the pillow and raised an eyebrow. "You mean for you hungover folk?" she smirked.

Avery just yawned and took the coffee. "Thanks," she mumbled after several sips.

"Listen, Avery. I need to talk to you about something important."

Avery frowned and sat up on her pillows. "Yeah?" she asked, her face immediately worried. But then she remembered the conversation that she had overheard last night, and the tension lifted slightly. She was going to ask her about going to a rehab facility, and Avery was going to agree. Because even if she _hated_ the idea, and hated the feeling of not having control, and hated the prospect of not having these drugs to take the edge off when life was particularly crappy, she just couldn't sit here and not make any progress while Erin was working her butt off and hurting like hell because of her, and putting her neck on the line for her, and having to watch her grow into what could have potentially been a worse version of Erin herself.

"I, uh… _we –_ we think – well," she started hesitantly. "I want you to feel at home here. You know that, right?"

Avery nodded, looking down at where she nestled the pale blue mug between her knees.

"And you know that we want what's best for you, yes?"

Another nod. "What's all this about?"

Erin took a deep, slightly shaky breath. "It's just, I'm a bit concerned about the drugs."

Avery clenched her jaw and her eyes met Erin's as she swallowed. A third nod, this one slightly reluctant. "You want me to stop?"

It was Erin's turn to nod. God, this conversation was so awkward. "I want you to get clean, yes. And I want you to be safe and happy. And if you can do that on your own, that's okay, and I'll help you, but if not, that's okay too, and I've found a placement at a rehab facility for you."

She expected Avery to storm out and slam the door, she expected her to scream and yell and fight her, she expected her even to cry – just something. _Anything._ What came next was definitely not what she expected.

Avery looked down into her coffee and swirled the murky brown liquid around the mug. Then she lifted her gaze to Erin.

"It's okay. I heard you and Jay fighting last night."

"We weren't fighting!" Erin protested indignantly. "We just had a bit of a…"

"Fight?" Avery grinned, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Erin took a breath. "How much did you hear?"

She shrugged. "Enough. I heard that you have a history?"

"Well, that's not exactly how I wanted you to find out, but yeah. I've been in rehab a couple of times."

Avery swallowed. "Okay, I have a confession. When I first came to the district and saw you again, and when you first offered for me to come and stay here, I kinda _grilled_ Kim about you and your past and what the deal really was with your situation and Voight and all that. She told me more about Lexi and Justin and how they died, and she didn't go into details or anything because she said that a lot of this is your story to tell, but I kinda got the impression that you've been through some really tough times."

Erin just shrugged her shoulder slowly, squeezing her lips together. She didn't have anything to say to that. It was true. But she felt an immense swelling of gratitude in her chest towards her friend for not disclosing any of that private stuff and for granting her the ability to tell her own story, in her own time.

"And I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. About everything. All the names on the wall outside the district, and everything that doesn't get a plaque."

"Thanks, bud," Erin replied. "And listen, I wouldn't be encouraging the rehab facility if it weren't the best thing for you, you know that, right?"

Avery nodded. "Yeah. I know. I'll go. I want to. I'll get clean."

Erin beamed. She'd never been more proud of someone in her life. "Thank you," she whispered, and lunged across the bed, wrapping her arms around the teenager and pulling her in for a hug. "Thank you so much."

Avery exhaled into Erin's shoulder and hugged her back. She couldn't remember the last time someone had hugged her like this. Like they didn't want to let go, and she didn't want them to let go either. It was nice. She felt loved, and safe.

"Erin?" Came Jay's voice from the hallway. "Are you ready to…"

He stopped in his tracks when he saw the two of them perched on Avery's bed, hugging. He swallowed. This was good, right? _Of course it's good._ But a feeling of unease settled in his stomach and he couldn't help but wish that it was him Erin was fighting for this time.

And he hated himself for it.


	22. The Bell Jar

_**CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: THE BELL JAR**_

"Are you ready?" Erin bit her lip as Avery smiled reassuringly at her.

"Yes," she breathed. But she swallowed, and her face paled as she looked up at the daunting rehab facility that towered over the sidewalk.

"Hey," Erin said softly. "You can do this. Jay and I will swing by at about six to pick you up, okay? We're still your home. It's just like…going to school for a day. And then we're coming to bring you out for pizza afterwards."

 _Just like going to school,_ she thought, as she stared up at the building. She didn't remember even the posh school Voight got her enrolled in ever being this terrifying. She felt as though her feet were glued to the ground.

A nervous nod. A smile.

 _I am so proud of you, Avery._ Whispered into her hair.

A sniff. A clenched jaw and pursed lips and a huge smile to try and disguise from the fact that Erin wanted to cry.

Taking Avery by the hand, Erin led her through the double doors and into the reception area, where they were greeted by a receptionist who handed them some forms and went through the rules, health and safety regulations, visiting hours, and the terms of Avery's stay since she was only part-time. Erin nodded, signed all the paperwork that needed to be signed, and then turned back to Avery.

She pulled her into a hug suddenly, wrapping her arms around the young girl's shoulders and kissing the side of her head through the mess of dark brown hair. "I meant it, honey, I am so, so proud of you," she told her again. She knew that Avery needed to hear it, and she remembered the first time Hank told her he was proud of her. It had felt like she had finally achieved something, that everything she had been through had been worth it. And she wanted Avery to feel the same. This was a _huge_ step for her.

"I know," Avery whispered back. "Thank you for believing in me."

"Please make it worth it," Erin mumbled back, trying, and failing, to push away the image of Nadia the first time Erin had tried to enroll her in a rehab facility not dissimilar to this one – and her friend choosing the drug dealer at the other end of the street over recovery. Sure, she had come around in the end, but nothing would let Erin forget the feeling of absolute failure as she watched the eighteen year old stagger down the deserted streets towards the shady figure in the alleyway, a human embodiment of the everyday torment of an addict. Erin knew, in that moment, that she wanted to get better. But she had to recover from her belief that she didn't deserve recovery before she could recover fully from her addiction, and Erin didn't know than how she could fix that for her.

She mentally crossed her fingers that Avery had something more to fight for.

"I will," Avery grinned as she pulled away, and for all her fear, she felt a sudden rush of determination when she remembered why she was doing this: for Erin.

 _For Erin._ She thought, and, not knowing quite how she was doing it, she pulled back from the hug, which was safe, and warm, and comfortable, and it felt like home, somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other and turn away from Erin, making her way through the doors at the end of the hallway armed only with a small suitcase of belongings – just in case she needed to stay the night for whatever reason – and a copy of _The Bell Jar._ It was Erin's favorite book, and she had given it to Avery, 'in case she got bored'.

"It's about hope," she'd said, as she handed a very old, practically falling apart copy of Plath's only novel to the unamused teenager. "It's about regaining control, and a sense of identity."

Avery had cast it aside at first. She hadn't read a book since elementary school, and didn't see what the point was. But when she'd come to pack up her things, she realized that it reminded her of Erin, and so she stuffed it into her duffel bag, thinking that hey, maybe Erin was right. Rehab facilities were probably boring as hell, and besides, it had been on her school specification. Couldn't hurt, right? And if it meant that much to Erin, she might as well try it out.

She left Erin in the hallway and followed a nurse to her room. The nurse talked at her for about ten minutes, and Avery only half-listened, trying to focus on her heartbeat and making sure that it didn't pound so forcefully that it tore straight out of her chest and left her cold body still shivering with fear in the bland, white, and undecorated room; when she was finally left alone, she took out the copy of _The Bell Jar_ and turned it over in her hands. It even _smelled_ like Erin. She wondered how many times she'd read it.

"Avery?" came another nurse's voice and she popped her head around the door. "The psychiatrist is ready for your preliminary interview."

Avery nodded. Her throat tightened.

As she left the room to follow the nurse, she threw the book onto her bed, thinking that maybe this is what it's like to be trapped inside a big, sterile, bell jar.

* * *

"Avery, honey, the Detectives are here to pick you up!" the singsong nurse's voice sounded in the hallway outside Avery's bedroom, and she smiled. She had never been so excited to see Erin and Jay in her life.

"Hey," Erin grinned, sticking her head around the door. "No. Way!" she yelled, and came darting in to where Avery was sat. "I cannot believe my eyes. Jay!" she called, and her partner came rushing in after her.

"What is it?" he sounded genuinely worried, his eyes were wide and his nostrils flared.

Avery snorted.

"Avery Murray is reading a _book!"_ Erin stuttered, rubbing her eyes for dramatic affect.

"Shut up," Avery grumbled.

Jay grinned down at her and ruffled her hair. "Come on, kid. We're going out for pizza."

Avery jumped up. "I have never wanted pizza more in my life," she announced, and the three of them left the facility and headed out to the car park.

"So," Erin said when they were in the car, but before she could finish the question she was about to ask, Avery butted in.

"I know what you're gonna say, and my day was fine, the food was gross but it's food and I've definitely had worse –"

Jay coughed rather obviously. "Erin's pancakes," he muttered, and she jabbed him in the ribs, even though she was driving.

"But the nurses are nice and I'm determined to make sure I get through this."

"Well," Erin said. "I'm glad to hear it, but that wasn't what I was gonna ask," she grinned.

Avery frowned in confusion. "Oh?" she asked.

"I was gonna ask…how's the book?"

Avery laughed loudly. Of course. "Uh, really good, actually, but I'm only a chapter or so in. I'm a really slow reader," she looked down at her lap, ashamed. "But yeah, I see a lot of myself in Esther."

"Mmm," Erin agreed. "I thought you might."

"Can I ask a question?" Avery asked.

"Shoot," Erin replied as she rounded a corner, heading for her and Jay's favorite pizza place a few blocks away.

"Why do you like it so much?"

Erin shot a glance at Jay, who smiled. He remembered having this exact conversation with her about a year ago when he moved in with her for the second time and she'd insisted on having a mini-bookshelf even though they didn't really have space and she only had a few books. "It's – well, like I said, it's about hope. It's about what to do when life kicks you around and you find yourself drowning. And it's semi-autobiographical, did you know that? Plath uses the book as a way of coming to terms with her own struggles, and she makes it into literature so that she can create from her suffering rather than just living in her pain. She's real-life proof that some of the best art comes from pain, and what's really beautiful is that she wrote her own happy ending. Even if she didn't get it for herself, she wrote one for Esther."

Avery nodded. "So what happened to Plath?" she asked.

Erin took a deep breath. "She, uh…killed herself. Not long after _The Bell Jar_ was published."

"Oh," Avery's voice was small.

"But," Erin continued, waving her hands slightly worryingly in her passion about the topic, "the point is, _The Bell Jar_ is important because it shows the importance of not giving up. Plath wanted a happy ending so much so that she fictionalized the one she wanted and gave it to Esther instead of herself. She lost hope, and because of it, she died."

"But do you really think that hope is that fragile?" Jay cut in, asking Avery's unspoken question for her. "So fragile that it can be the difference between waking up one morning and taking your kids to school, and waking up one morning and sticking your head in your oven and poisoning yourself?"

Erin shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. I didn't know Plath. But I think it's okay to lose hope every now and again, you know, as long as you can remind yourself that however bad it feels, there's always a way out of it. Like Esther."

Avery nodded and sat back in her chair. She stared out of the window. Maybe it was okay to lose hope for a while after all. And she had. Was that why she had used the drugs? She wasn't sure.

What she was sure of was that she was sure as _hell_ gonna make it through this. Like Esther, and like Erin.

She'd make it out of her bell jar.

* * *

"Thanks for the pizza," Avery said to Erin and Jay as they unlocked the front door and stepped into the darkened hallway. "I had a great time."

"So did we," Jay replied.

They hung up their coats and Avery made her way back to her bedroom. It was weird being here – even though it had only been 13 or so hours, she felt like she'd been away for good. Something about the white hospitaly hallways made her feel like she'd been in there a lot longer than she had.

The dizziness didn't hit until that moment. She'd felt headachy for the past few days but she wasn't sure if she was just coming down with something or not. She grabbed onto the dresser for support and bent her head over, gripping the wooden tabletop so hard her knuckles turned white. Her vision blurred and her muscles started to spasm, sending trembles through her body. She was shivering, but she felt too hot. She needed air. Why wasn't the window opening?

When the dizziness had subsided, she stripped off her jeans and hoodie, and stood in the middle of the room in her underwear, staring at herself in the full length mirror. She was so _pale._

She had dark rings around her eyes, still. Even though she'd been trying to act strong and brave and okay throughout the whole of dinner, she looked a mess. Erin and Jay must've been giving her the benefit of the doubt, and although it irritated her, she was also grateful.

Even if this damn _window_ wouldn't open.

She opted for the fan instead, turning it on and collapsing onto her bed, still in her underwear, curling up and trying to massage away the pounding headache.

Recovery had been fine up until now.

Now, she wanted to curl up and die.

* * *

 _Two thirty-four in the morning._ Erin sat up with a start.

Jay was sound asleep next to her, but she could hear something coming from across the hallway. Strange sounds, like gurgling? Or…

 _Shit._

"Avery?" she raced into her room, pulling her gown around her as she flicked on the switch and saw the fourteen year old lying on the bathroom floor, her arms wrapped around the toilet bowl. The sight of her sat there, curled up and completely helpless, tear tracks staining her cheeks and her hair damp with sweat, Erin remembered herself in the exact same position. And she remembered what Voight had done for her.

 _No expectations, just love._

"Shhh, darling, it's okay." Erin knelt down next to her and stroked her hair, holding it back for her while she heaved up the contents of her stomach into the toilet, coughing and spluttering a mixture of tears and sweat and vomit. "Shhh, baby, shhh."

"I'm sorry," Avery choked out, taking huge gulps of air and trying to get herself to breathe properly because all this throwing up had caused panic to swell in her chest and her stomach and make her feel even more sick because this wasn't fair, it was supposed to get _better,_ not _worse,_ and why was Erin being so kind to her right now when she was just proving how weak she was, and that she couldn't handle it, and that she definitely wasn't worth it. "I thought I could do it…"

"Shh," Erin comforted her, and continued stroking her hair. She took her gown off and put it over Avery's shoulders when she noticed that she was shivering – she was still only dressed in her underwear, after all – and she guided her shaking body into her arms and cradled her against her chest. They sat there together on the bathroom floor until Avery was completely calm, and then Erin ran a shower for her. She let Avery shower in her underwear, and she just stood there limply as Erin washed all the flecks of vomit from her hair and her skin, and washed the tear tracks from her face and the makeup from under her eyes, and then she held up a towel and Avery changed into some fresh pajamas and while she got dressed and brushed her teeth Erin went into the kitchen and made her a mug of boiling water with lemon and honey because it was what Hank used to make for her when she was in withdrawal and too young to appreciate herbal tea but she liked the way it warmed her to her toes.

And then Erin took Avery by the hand and navigated her back to bed without saying a word. She climbed in beside her as Avery sipped the hot lemon water, and Erin grabbed the copy of _The Bell Jar_ from where it sat on the nightstand, because Avery had wanted to keep it with her in case she got a spare hour or so to read at home, and so Erin flicked open to where Avery had marked the page with a crumpled business card, five years old. She looked over at Avery, getting a little and emotional that she had still kept it, and Avery just smiled ever so slightly – so slightly that Erin barely even registered that it had happened – and Erin cleared her throat and began to read.

"I could see the moving red and white lights along the drive and the lights of the bridges whose names I didn't know. The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence," she read softly, and slowly, Avery finished her drink, placed the cup on the side, and snuggled into Erin.

She closed her eyes and rested her head just in the small gap between the pillow and Erin's hip, and Erin draped one arm across Avery's shoulder and used the other to prop open the book as she kept reading and reading about Esther and New York City and hope until she heard Avery's breathing slow to the even lull of sleeping, like a boat gently rocking on the waves, and she couldn't bring herself to leave, not when she was so warm and Avery was so peaceful with her there, so instead she reached over her and switched off the lamp on the nightstand and snuggled down with her, shifting their position slightly so that they could both fit in the single bed, and letting the gentle thud of her heartbeat against Avery's face and the echoing of Esther's fictitious bravery, and Plath's real bravery, be enough to make them both feel okay.


	23. The Silence of their Own Silence

**_CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: THE SILENCE OF THEIR OWN SILENCE_**

 _Six o'clock in the morning._ He awoke the same time he always did, in the bed he always did, but not next to the girl he always did. And the panic that rose in his throat before the logic kicked in scared him a little.

Blinking in slight disorientation at the unfamiliarity of feeling the space in the bed next to him completely empty and the light distorting his vision, Jay frowned and climbed out of bed, making his way into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the ajar door to Avery's bedroom and he nudged it further open, just enough so that he could peer in, with the end of his foot. Inside, the sight that befell him made his heart swell with love for Erin – and, he was just now realizing, for Avery, too.

They were curled up together on the bed, and even though it was a single bed, and probably too small to fit Jay on it even on his own without his feet sticking off the end, they looked so peaceful. The side of Erin's face rested on the top of Avery's head and her arms were draped over the sleeping teenager protectively, and the pale moonlight of the early Chicago winter morning streamed through the sheer curtains, which flapped in the wind. They both looked so peaceful.

They looked like a _family._

And, he realized with a shock so sudden that he felt overwhelmed and his throat began to prickle with tears, a family that he desperately wanted to be a part of.

It had only been a few days, but having Avery in rehab, having her _wanting_ to stay in rehab, too, had made him realize just how much Erin was doing for this girl. Rehab wasn't cheap, and Erin had been working overtime to pay for it – as well as Voight's contributions, of course – and aside from all that, the scene in front of him proved just how far Erin was willing to go for this girl. But it wasn't only that that had changed Jay's perspective. He couldn't explain it. He just felt like he connected with Avery, too. They got along well, especially now that she had gone into rehab and she disclosed to him privately just before she went that she'd overheard their argument – and apologized profusely for bringing drugs into the house.

"I had no idea Erin had a history with drugs, Jay," she'd said to him, and he'd looked up from where he was texting Will.

"Oh, it's – it's okay, Avery," he'd said, but she shook her head.

"It's not. I'm so, so sorry. You know I don't want to come between the two of you, and I promise that I am trying to get better."

Jay smiled then. "Avery," he started. "I should be apologizing too. If you overheard that conversation you probably heard me…"

The look on her face told him exactly what he needed to know. "Yeah," she said softly. "I heard."

"Listen. I love Erin. _So_ much. And I can't bear for her to be in situations like this because I've seen what it's like for her at the dark end of the tunnel. And I _can't_ just sit here and pretend that I don't worry about her, because I do. But that's not your fault. None of that's your fault."

Avery nodded. "Thanks, Jay."

And although he was still learning to be okay with this whole situation, remembering bitterly where he and Erin stood before Avery had shown up, and babysitting Owen, and how strongly Jay had felt that he and Erin were meant to have a family, and how he had been planning on bringing up the subject of the possibility of them having children one day, because he wanted it _so bad –_ God, he still wanted it – the tiniest part of him whispered the possibility that maybe, this was the family he'd been wishing for.

But he didn't let himself think that. He _couldn't._ Because this was only temporary, right?

"Erin," he breathed into her ear, brushing the tendrils of hair that had fallen over her face in her sleep behind her ear. He kissed the side of her face as she stirred, opening her eyes to see her boyfriend crouching next to her and her foster child curled up next to her. She frowned for a second and looked at Jay questioningly, as if to say _why am I in here? –_ but then a look of recognition and remembrance swept over her face.

She gingerly peeled back the bedclothes, careful not to disturb Avery – _let her sleep until seven?_ She questioned Jay with her eyes, and he nodded reluctantly – and padded gently to the kitchen, Jay on her heels. He shut Avery's door behind them as she started brewing the coffee.

"I heard her throwing up last night," Erin told him in a hushed tone as she handed him the cup of coffee. "Detoxing. It's not pretty. She's…she's got a long way to go from here."

Jay just nodded slowly. He could imagine. "I'm sorry. That can't have been easy," he reached for her hand and put one of his own firmly over the top.

Her eyes met his and smiled. She shook her head. "No," her voice came out as barely a whisper, fractured and mangled. She cleared her throat. "No."

"Lean on me," his eyes were staring into hers, willing her to stay exactly like this, using his strength for the both of them like she had done when he needed hers; willing her not to close off again. They were so close. So close to reaching that perfect equilibrium where they leaned on each other exactly the right amount that they could stay standing even through the toughest storm.

Erin nodded. God, she wanted to. _So badly._ But she wasn't quite sure where he stood with all this, and the last thing she needed was for her rock to lose his footing, too – and she sure as hell didn't want to ask him.

She was too afraid of what the answer would be.

Jay jumped up and slapped his hands together. "Right. Let's make her breakfast. Any suggestions?"

Erin grinned at how good Jay was at making her feel better. One look at that big, puppy-eyed grin and she felt like she could handle anything.

Together they set about making breakfast as if it were a normal morning, and they didn't need to talk about things or spend time being miserable and feeling sorry for themselves because they had each other, and they had Avery, and they were all okay – or in the process of becoming so – and that was all that really mattered. Here in this tiny kitchen, with the two of them, Erin flicking flour at Jay's face as he swatted her away from the pancake mix; Erin resorting to just sitting cross legged on the kitchen counter and sipping her coffee, watching him work and chatting away to him about the Blackhawks and whether they thought Burgess and Ruzek were _properly_ back together yet or if they were still um-ing and ah-ing like they had been for the past two years, while Avery slept soundly in the other room.

The morning was light and fresh, the way that winter mornings usually are, and it seemed to go on until midafternoon. These were her favorite mornings, and she knew that Jay thought so too when they slipped into silence and just being around each other was enough to make them both feel warm and fuzzy and safe.

It wasn't the silence of their own silence, like Esther's. It was the silence of cohesion, of security, of knowing each other's every move and every habit and every little idiosyncrasy; it was the silence of not needing words to communicate. The silence of lovers, of partners, and of best friends.

And of family.

* * *

"Avery, honey," Erin nudged her to wake her gently as Jay brought in the teenager's breakfast on a tray and placed it on the dresser, moving to shut the window and draw back the curtains. It was a quarter to seven by now, and they needed to leave soon to get Avery back to the facility in time and so that they could go back to work on the case.

Avery groaned and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

She felt _awful._ The world was still spinning slightly and she had a pounding headache. Everything felt heavy and thick and slow and she didn't think she even had enough energy to swallow.

"Here," Erin smiled, handing her an aspirin. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Like shit," Avery replied, without thinking. "I mean…." She went to correct her vocabulary in front of the adults but shook her head. "No, I definitely mean shitty."

Despite herself, Erin snorted. "I know, honey. But you're doing so well. I promise." She squeezed Avery's shoulder, and Avery smiled with gratitude.

"We made pancakes!" Jay told her, and Avery's face lit up.

"Sweet!" she said. She paused for a second, frowning, and backtracked. "When you say 'we'…"

"I mean _I_ made pancakes," Jay smirked. "You're safe, I didn't let Erin touch them."

Avery snickered and dug in. She was still groggy and felt like someone was smashing a pile of bricks against her temples, but at least she had these two dorks by her side. This family, she thought to herself, was a drug in itself. She felt herself get a high from being between these four walls with these two people in this one house. And she never wanted to leave. But…

Erin and Jay looked up from where they had been sat at the end of her bed, chatting to each other quietly about the everyday mundane things while sipping coffee (Erin's second cup already this morning) when Avery put her knife and fork down and pushed her plate away. She couldn't help but notice the tired circles around Erin's hazel eyes, and the huge yawn that Jay omitted – something that she knew was out of place because she remembered Erin complaining to her last week about how he always woke up at 6:00 on the dot, so it wasn't the early morning that was making him tired. It was her.

"Um, guys?" Avery asked faintly.

"Yeah?" Erin and Jay replied at the exact same time, and Avery smiled slightly at their synchronization as they looked at her, eyebrows raised and eyes widened, both clutching identical coffee cups and both, incidentally, wearing one of Jay's t-shirts.

"I was thinking. Well, it just occurred to me now, actually. But I think…I think it would be better if I went to the facility on more of a full-time basis? Just for a couple of weeks."

Erin frowned. "Well, of course, if that's what you want, but why?"

Avery hesitated. "It's just…you guys have to work full time, and drive around, and do physical work every day, running and catching criminals, and…well, it's potentially life-threatening work. And I don't want to be the reason why you're too tired to duck out of the way of a bullet or something."

Jay scratched his head, slack-mouthed, and shot a glance at Erin.

"Avery, I'm delighted that you want to recover so badly, but if you're happy with this arrangement, Jay and I are absolutely fine. You don't have to worry about us," Erin said kindly as she laid a hand on Avery's knee.

"It's not _just_ that. I just…really want to get clean. I want to focus all my energy on it so that when your case is solved and I – I go back…" she trailed off. Erin had completely forgotten that this situation was only temporary, and her heart jumped into her throat and pounded through her bones. "I just want to be better as soon as possible," she said quickly, trying not to show her reluctance at the recall of memory that reminded her she was only here until they caught Luca's killer.

 _Luca._ She'd barely thought about him the past few days, and suddenly, she felt like crying. Her face crumpled.

"Hey!" Erin said and reached out to her. "Hey, what is it? What's wrong?"

Avery sniffed, clenching her jaw and swallowing hard to try and prevent the tears from spilling onto the outside of her face and letting the world know of her demons. "Sometimes, I just…remember things. About Luca. And I – it just hits me. I can't believe he's gone!"

Erin didn't know what to say to that. She knew exactly what Avery was talking about. But before she could offer any kind of condolences, Jay opened his mouth and started speaking. Erin looked at him, surprised.

"Avery, when I was about your age, or maybe a little older – sixteen, seventeen, maybe – I was dating this girl, Allie, and she had a younger brother. Ben. He was eight years old and he, uh, he was raped, by a – a pedophile who had been stalking him, and then killed. And I was so, so angry, for the longest time. He was so _young._ And Allie, she…took it hard. We broke up, but stayed close friends. I didn't have anywhere to put that anger, didn't have anyone to talk to, so I enlisted in the army and took out my anger in Afghanistan – probably…probably in the wrong way. But I want you to know that we—" he gestured to himself and Erin, "—we've both been there, too many times. And you are not alone, okay?"

Avery nodded. Her eyes were still glassy and reflective with the silky smoothness of tears held captive in her eyes by her pride, but she smiled softly. "Thanks," she whispered.

And then they left her to get ready. She packed up everything that she would need for the next few weeks and brushed her hair and her teeth and made the bed, and the three of them got into the car.

The way to the facility was completely silent, but it wasn't a bad silence. It wasn't Esther's silence, in the book. It wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't the silence of their own silence. Just comfortable, safe, quietness. Peaceful.

Besides, Avery was quickly realizing that they didn't always need words to communicate. Not with these two.


	24. Don't Stop Punching

**_CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: DON'T STOP PUNCHING_**

Recovery was not easy.

And nor was it pretty.

In fact, Avery had never felt so ugly in her life.

The withdrawal hit her the hardest about four days in, when she suddenly found that she couldn't eat or sleep or think about anything other than getting a fix. She came so close to giving up, feeling her body protesting against her recovery so drastically that it sent her into hot shivers and cold sweats, restless nights and pounding headaches, panic attacks and the constant, nibbling anxiety at the back of her throat telling her that maybe this was the universe's way of saying that she wasn't worth it.

Or maybe that was just the bitter aftertaste of a morning spent vomiting her guts and her dignity down the toilet.

What was it that kept her going? Sometimes she questioned it, sure, when she was lying in bed at night; staring at the ceiling blankly and unable to sleep, she wondered why she was even doing this. For Erin? She'd thought so at first, and it almost annoyed her how much she'd grown to love and admire and depend on the detective in the few weeks that had passed, especially since she could hear her social worker's voice coming to take her away again sometime in the foreseeable future resonating in her brain like a gong.

But she didn't think she was _just_ doing it for Erin anymore, which amazed her. Yes, she knew she owed her recovery to Erin – both for getting her place in the facility in the first place and for encouraging her to actually want it – but now, Avery thought that she'd come to see, through Erin's help, of course, that she was _allowed_ to want it. That she could actually do it. Erin was the living, breathing proof, of the light at the end of the tunnel. It was a long road, but Erin had walked it barefoot, limping, clinging onto Voight's hand the whole way. And now, Erin had extended her own for Avery to hold. And although she hadn't seen it at first, she'd be a fool not to take it straight away.

Jay's words echoed in her mind again, from the first time they'd met, at the district. They were, quite honestly, one of the things that kept her going. _You could be the next Erin Lindsay._

Yes, she owed more than she could ever repay to Erin Lindsay, but the most important of these things Erin had given her, these powerful lessons that the detective had taught her, was that there was no rock bottom hard enough to break you completely if you just held onto hope. And no bell jar that couldn't be smashed through if you punched back hard enough.

So she punched.

She punched her way out of the rehab facility. She punched the drugs out of her bloodstream. It was slow, and it made her knuckles bleed like the devil when they split open against the metaphorical shards of glass that splintered into her pale skin, but still, she kept punching.

And every day, Erin and Jay came to visit. Sometimes Erin came twice. To read to her, to recount their progress on Luca's case, to play her that crappy classic rock that Avery had hated until she got to listen to it with Erin in the middle of a sterile hospital rehab facility, and most importantly, Erin came to help Avery punch.

One time, there was actual punching involved.

Avery had a history of getting into fights, something Erin had heard from Avery's social worker but had never really seen first-hand, until one of the other girls at the facility – Leah, or something – had said something to her and Avery had just snapped. Avery never told Erin what it was that this girl had said but Erin found out a few days later that she'd made fun of the fact that Avery had a cop come and visit her every day.

Erin tried to tell Avery off, but damn it, she knew that she would've done the same when she was Avery's age – hell, she'd do the same now, and had done, many times – if someone ever said a word like that against Voight.

Which was why, when Erin got the call from the facility saying that Avery had gotten into a fight and she grabbed her coat from her desk in such a rush that she sent the reports she was working on flying off the desk and landing like feathers onto the floor of the bullpen, mouthing to Voight that –

 _It's Avery. I need to go._

and he just nodded, gesturing to Jay to follow her and the two of them sped across town in silence to the facility…instead of just yelling at her about how precious this opportunity was and how she shouldn't be picking fights, she just took Avery to Antonio's boxing gym, where she put on pads and gave Avery gloves and told her,

 _Just punch me._

When Avery wouldn't, Erin tried another tactic.

 _Come on, Avery. All that pent up anger. Let it all out. I can take it. I've done this before, trust me._

Avery punched her hand softly, barely hitting her.

Taking a deep breath, Erin continued.

 _What about your anger at me? Your anger at me leaving you last time?_

Avery didn't respond, but she carried on punching slightly harder than before. Awkwardly. Arrhythmic.

 _For 'spitting you back into the system'?_

Using her own words against her seemed to be effective and the punches started to grow harder. And although it broke her heart, knowing that Avery was still angry at her, she was glad that it had hurt. She needed this catharsis, and Erin didn't mind being on the receiving end so long as Avery could purge her anger through it.

 _What about your anger at that girl who pissed you off? At your birth parents for putting you in care in the first place?_

Gritted teeth. Heavy breathing. Flushed cheeks. Harder punches. Sweat began to drip down her forehead and she settled into a rhythm, flinging her fists at Erin one by one.

 _All those homes you've been in, all those fights you've gotten into, all those streets you've slept on?_

Avery was twitching and shaking with rage by the time Erin had finished and she clenched her jaw, her eyes wild with rage and determination as she punched Erin, throwing fist after fury filled fist at Erin, she let all her anger drain out of her as it was pushed, harder and harder, faster and faster, into her boxing gloves. A channel of pain poured out into Erin, and the look on Avery's face hurt her more than her punches ever would.

 _At the man who murdered Luca in front of you?_

That did it. Avery didn't realize she was sobbing until her eyes were so misted over with tears that Erin's form had become a blur of color in front of her and she had to stop punching because she couldn't tell the difference between the pad and Erin's t-shirt; she fell forward, her head slamming into Erin's shoulder and Erin wrapped her arms around her as she cried and cried, and together they sank to the floor and Erin sat there with her until she felt better, enough so that Erin could tell her,

 _Wow, you've got quite a punch! You give Gabby a run for her money. A few lessons and you'll be sparring with Michelle and Ava!_

Avery giggled, hiccoughing slightly through her tears before Erin helped her up and they staggered back to where Jay was waiting for them in the car patiently. There were no hard feelings, no residue anger, because Avery had let it out in the only way she knew how: by _punching._ And, Erin knew because she'd been exactly the same, that that was exactly what she'd needed. But she also knew that soon enough she'd learn that there were other ways to let out emotion, but that the journey to find those other ways would be a long one and a very personal one.

She just hoped she'd be able to see it when it came around.

The door slammed and Jay turned the key in the ignition, not saying a word as they sped away down the streets of Chicago and back toward the rehab facility.

Erin only stopped to think about what had really caused Avery to break down when Jay drove them past the spot where they'd sat in the car after Nadia's death, when Erin had told him that the reason she let him drive that day was because Nadia was always nagging her to be nicer to him so that he didn't feel like a househusband…

With a pang of something that Erin couldn't quite recognize, Erin realized that the reason why Avery was doing all of this was for _Luca._

Staring out the window, Avery was thinking about Luca. Sometime in between all the punches and Erin saying his name, she'd suddenly realized that she needed to get clean, to get better, to live a life that he always deserved to live, in the way that he couldn't. He was always telling her not to use drugs. Not to get involved with the people who sell them.

The people who sell them, and killed him.

 _Everything would be so much easier if he were here._

 _He'd want you to get better._

 _Luca would be proud of you, Avery._

So she stared out of the window, watching Jay reach across into the passenger seat and find Erin's hand in her lap, placing his own protectively over hers, and she swore to herself that she'd never give up again. She'd keep punching.

Avery hadn't stopped punching since.

* * *

 ** _~ DECEMBER 2018 ~_**

The date had been penciled into her calendar the second it had been made official. December eighteenth.

The day Avery was getting out of rehab.

The days drew ever nearer like sand trickling through an egg timer, and Erin began to feel the tension in her chest that had nestled into the special space in her heart reserved for Avery simultaneously get heavier and lighter as the days crawled closer.

The Christmas season had rolled in without them even noticing. Erin and Jay decided to wait until Avery got home to decorate the tree, and they'd barely thought about Christmas shopping. The days got shorter, the air got colder, and the whole time Erin was opening the little cardboard doors of the advent calendar Jay had bought her as a joke after she mentioned she'd never had one as a kid, all she could think was that the biggest chocolate should be under the tiny door labelled "eighteen". All she wanted for Christmas this year – all she'd ever want for Christmases to come, Erin was convinced – was Avery's safety and happiness.

On one hand, Avery's recovery was amazing, and she had been doing incredibly well at the facility, and Erin wanted nothing more than for her to get clean and to come back and live with them, but on the other hand, it was exactly that.

What happened when they finished the case? What happened when they finally caught Luca's killer and Avery had to go back into care? The agreed terms of her coming to stay were, after all, that they both knew it were temporary.

 _Unless…_

Erin shook her head. She couldn't be thinking like that! Not when she hadn't even discussed the conversation she'd had with Sharon after that dinner a little over a month ago with Jay. A month, but it felt like a lifetime. She wasn't sure if she'd changed her mind about the whole idea. What was it that she had said to her?

 _This is all happening really fast._

But she'd known deep inside that she _did_ want this. And she knew that nothing had changed since that night in the parking lot, as she watched Avery and Jay screwing up their noses together inside the car at the stash of classic rock CDs she kept in her car. She still wanted it.

In fact, she was almost certain that Jay wanted it too, especially now that Avery was clean.

They were at the district, just tying up the loose ends of a case they'd been working for the past two days. It was a quick one – just a simple drug bust, nothing they hadn't done a million times before – but it was a good distraction from working Luca's case, which was beginning to tire them out a little. It wasn't that they weren't more determined than ever to solve this case and catch his killer, especially since Erin had confided in a few of them just how much his death had affected Avery, but they just weren't getting anywhere.

All they really knew was that Luca was an undercover C.I., working downstairs alongside the Twenty-First's Organized Crime unit, and that his uncle, Perez, was the ringleader of their little drug operation that had them altering the chemical formulas of basic drugs so that they weren't, by law, _illegal,_ and then roping in preppy private-schooled kids as their dealers to make a small fortune selling them to other kids in the richest neighborhoods. And that someone, whoever it was, must have found out who Luca really was, or at least, where his allegiances really lay, and killed him for it.

The trouble was, they just couldn't connect any known members of the organization to the sketch of the man that Avery saw shooting Luca. And unfortunately, they hadn't had much luck down the spider tattoo route, either, since that was apparently rather a popular tatt among the gang affiliated population.

Erin secretly felt slightly glad that the investigation had stalled, knowing, although it made her feel slightly sick with guilt, that this gave her more time to spend with Avery.

They were picking her up at four-thirty that afternoon, and Voight had given them the evening off work to go and collect her and help her settle back in. He'd also – to everyone's surprise – told her that she and Jay could take the next morning off if they wanted. The plan was to bring her back to the district for the afternoon and she could hang out in the breakroom provided they didn't have to be out and about catching criminals, and if they were, Platt had said she'd take care of her.

Checking her watch, Erin made eye contact with Jay from across the room. It was four o'clock.

Jay nodded at her, turning his lips upwards into a small smile. His eyes glowed with reassurance.

"Hey, Sarge?" he asked.

Voight turned to face him, and then Erin. "Go."

No sooner had the words left his lips as Erin and Jay were out of the bullpen, leaving Voight smiling proudly at their backs. The rest of the unit dissolved into chatter, and they all seemed equally, if not even more, excited than Erin and Jay themselves. Especially Burgess, who had to try to stop herself from squealing when they left the room.

* * *

The apartment was bigger than Avery remembered it. Or at least, it felt that way compared to her tiny room at the facility. But still it felt – it felt like coming _home._

Now _that_ was a scary thought.

Erin squeezed Avery's shoulders from behind and leaned her head in over Avery's shoulders, kissing the side of her head firmly. "I'm so proud of you," she told her.

"We both are," agreed Jay.

"We're just gonna leave you to settle back in," Erin said, and she and Jay grabbed the bags she'd brought with her from the facility – which had grown substantially with all the clothes and shoes Erin had brought her, some of them her own, while she was in there. She'd also given Avery a few books to read, too, since she finished The Bell Jar and wanted something else to distract her.

"You know, you have a TV," Erin had raised her eyebrows at the kid when she arrived at the facility armed with Thomas Hardy. "You're a teenager, what's wrong with you? Why don't you want to distract yourself with Dance Moms instead of reading literature?"

Avery rolled her eyes. "You know, _most_ parental authority figures try to dissuade their teens from watching too much TV."

Erin scoffed. "Wow, one book and you're already smarter than me."

Avery smirked. "What have you brought me this time?"

The detective handed her the book.

"Tess of the d'Urbervilles," Avery read aloud. "Um. No offence, but I don't think this is really my thing…"

Erin shrugged. "It wasn't my thing either, really, but I studied it when I was a little older than you, and it's pretty good. Tess is a bit like Esther, in a way. Both caught up in societies that don't understand them, both going through similar things, both trying to fight back. Hardy's a little more depressing than Plath, though. Probably because he's British."

Avery cocked an eyebrow. "How British?" she asked.

Erin laughed. "Well, he's not Shakespeare," she said. "But he's a little more challenging than Plath. I must admit, _Tess_ is the only one of his books I've really loved, but it's definitely worth the read. Even if things don't get better for her, you can still learn a lot from it. I definitely did."

"Thanks," Avery smiled. "I'll give it a go."

Erin smiled as she remembered the encounter. It had taken Avery a while to get through _Tess_ and she'd cried at the end; Erin remembered getting a call from her one evening to a sobbing Avery, and she was poised and ready to grab her keys and wake up Jay and dash across town when Avery had managed to choke out, "It's just so _sad!_ She didn't deserve any of that! He was the one who _raped_ her!"

Erin smiled. "But don't you see? It's all about how we have to learn to see under the superficial layers of society and accept our own fates. We have to take each day and learn to see the beauty around us, to try and stay positive because we don't know how much time we have left or how we're gonna end up one day."

"What, so we've gotta stay positive just in case we get raped, shunned, heart-broken, abandoned, tricked, and then are forced to murder our rapist to escape his power only to be hanged? And then have the man we love hook up with our _sister_?!" her voice was incredulous.

Erin took a deep breath. It was hard to explain, she realized, why this book meant so much to her. "Books like _Tess_ aren't fables or fairy stories with happy endings. They give voices to those who couldn't speak and they draw attention to everything that we need to consider. They're important because they force us to think about how we are influenced by our society and how our upbringings influence us. How we fight back when everything is against our odds."

Avery mumbled something under her breath.

"Hmm?"

"I said…Alec is such a fucking _asshole_ for manipulating her like that."

"Language!" Erin scolded her. But she continued, raising an eyebrow: "but is he any worse than Angel?"

"Don't even get me _started_ on that son-of-a-bitch," Avery exclaimed. "He is such a fucking _hypocrite!"_

Erin laughed. "Maybe next time I'm gonna get you something less controversial, yeah?"

A small laugh tinkled down the line. "Yes, please," she said.

"Get some rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow, and bring you a new book."

"Night, Erin."

"Night."

"And, Erin?" she said suddenly, just before they hung up.

"Thank you for doing this," she whispered.

"Avery, you don't have to thank me, you've done it a million times already."

"No, I mean, thanks for saving my life and all that, and helping me get clean, obviously, but…also – also, thank you for staying up until one a.m. to talk to me about Thomas Hardy, and thank you for visiting me every day, and thank you for just being there."

"Any time, kiddo. I love you, you know that?"

It had slipped out of her mouth before she'd even had time to contemplate what it was she was saying.

The other end of the phone went silent and Erin began to panic – had she freaked her out? Was this too soon?

There was a small shuffle followed by a short cough, and Erin swallowed.

"I love you, too," Avery whispered so quietly that Erin could barely hear, and it probably didn't help that Avery's voice was thick and muffled and it sounded like she had started to cry again. But before Erin could comfort her, the line went dead.

 _I love you, too._

Erin smiled into the darkness and the words ricocheted around her brain for the rest of the night.


	25. Never Be That Girl

**_CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR: ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS_**

It was the first night in eight weeks that Erin had slept this well.

The whole time that Avery had been in the facility, Erin had been worried sick – sometimes receiving phone calls from her in the middle of the night when Avery was particularly bad, but other times she just got herself into a panic after working a long day, or seeing a homeless kid on the street, or catching a glance at the semi-abandoned murder board that was in a corner of the bullpen and seeing seventeen-year-old Luca's smiling face staring back at them, his eyes accusatory and pleading them from the grave to step the hell up and catch his goddamn killer.

She'd seen these things every day for what felt like the majority of her life, but it had never got to her this badly before.

But tonight, she slept like a baby. In fact – she slept so well that when she awoke the next morning, the dull light of morning was drizzling through the window like the grey, overcast morning outside; the clouds hung low over the city and Erin smiled, smelling the coffee and the bacon and snuggling deeper under the covers. When she finally had awoken enough that it didn't hurt her eyes to move, she threw back the covers and clambered out of bed, pulling on her fluffy socks and an old grey sweater that lay hanging over the back of the chair, and padded quietly into the kitchen.

But she stopped dead in the hallway and listened at the door to the kitchen, a huge smile breaking out on her face at the sound of chatting and laughter inside. Where she expected to find just Jay, making them breakfast and coffee as he did more often than she probably deserved, she opened the door to see Avery buttering the toast and throwing Jay the oven gloves while he fried the bacon on the stove and stole sips of coffee, a tea towel tucked under his belt and an array of condiments and breakfast foods littered all over the surfaces.

"Morning," she said to the two of them, still slightly stunned at the scene before her, and she wandered around to join them. "Kiss," she demanded of Jay, and went on her tippy toes. He took his eyes off the bacon for a second to kiss her on the lips, and Avery averted her gaze.

"Ew, you guys," she muttered. "Get a room!"

Jay smirked against Erin's face. "Morning babe," he whispered, ignoring Avery.

"How come you're up so early?" Erin turned to face the teenager, raising an eyebrow. "I remember having to literally _drag_ you out of bed most mornings!"

Avery shrugged. "New page. New habits. I like waking up early, I discovered over the past few weeks. Especially in winter when you can see the sun rise."

"That's my girl," Jay laughed at Erin's slightly bemused expression.

"Great," she grumbled. "Now I have two of you to compete with. Well, as long as you don't disturb my lie-ins, I guess."

Avery smirked. "No promises," she grinned, and handed Erin a cup of steaming coffee. "Here," she said, and Erin took it.

"I take it back," she grinned. "If this is how I'm gonna get greeted every morning, then by all means, wake up as early as you like!"

Jay chuckled, shaking his head. He'd finished with the bacon and was dishing it up onto three plates. Together, they sat around the small table in the kitchen and ate breakfast together. Like a family, at home.

And then they spent all morning together. They played board games, watched TV, argued over who got to choose the channel, shared stories, laughed, helped Avery unpack.

It was the kind of morning that spilled on late into the afternoon, and the evening, stretching out into its own little infinite vacuum of time and space until Erin's phone rang and begrudgingly, they all piled into the car despite the rain lashing outside the apartment, and made their way to the district to do their jobs.

But although it was a miserable day, and she and Jay were greeted upon arrival in the bullpen with a miserable case that shook their faith and their hearts and made everyone feel even more miserable, Erin just had to look over at where Avery was reading in the breakroom, or writing something down in a little notebook Erin had bought her a few weeks ago, or when she came out to chat to everyone for a while, to know that she had everything she wanted. This, being here, with her favorite people in the world – her _family_ – solving cases, catching criminals, was everything she'd ever wanted.

It was everything _Avery_ had ever wanted.

It was everything that Jay wanted, too, but Erin looked over at him every so often and got that familiar tightness in her stomach and she wondered whether he wanted something more. She didn't know whether she trusted him to tell her if he wasn't happy, and she was too scared to assume that he was.

* * *

The next week, Avery started to go to school every morning. Erin managed to pull some strings to keep her out in the afternoons – a mixture between making sure that she was available for witness identification and a compulsory post-rehab therapy session. The nature of her timetable meant that she made it to English class most often, and, after her long book discussions with Erin and their mutual eagerness to read, she seemed to be really enjoying it.

One evening, Erin's phone rang while she was sat in bed, and she grabbed it from the bedside table when it buzzed, frowned when there was an unknown caller ID and the voice at the other end was somewhat familiar.

"Hi, is this Detective Lindsay?"

"Yes?"

"It's Mrs Puckett, Avery's English teacher. I was just ringing to tell you how pleased I am to see Avery's aptitude for English and to see how passionately she engages with her studies. She's come forward in leaps and bounds in the past few weeks, even if I have only seen her sporadically, and I wanted to tell you how proud I am that she seems to be particularly talented at creative writing."

"I'm…glad to hear that, Mrs Puckett," Erin frowned. She hadn't realized what an impression Avery had made on her teacher, and she wasn't quite sure why she was being told this over the phone rather than at the parent-teacher consultation a few weeks later that she'd had penciled in her calendar as soon as Avery came home with the little yellow slip and handed it to her sheepishly; _you don't have to come. I know you're busy._ Erin had told her not to be silly, _of course I'm coming, Avery!_ and handed her back the form in about thirty seconds.

It had made her feel like a proper parent, and she'd loved it, relished in the excitement that brewed in her chest at things as simple as parents' evening.

"I understand how difficult Avery's situation has been, and how much she's been through in the past few years, but there's a creative writing competition that takes place across high schools in Illinois, and I was wondering if you'd like to talk to her about entering? I had the students hand in a creative writing assignment the other day and Avery's was…well, it was nothing short of phenomenal."

"Wow, thank you, ma'am. I'll be sure to pass it onto her, I'm sure she'll be delighted." Erin's heart swelled with pride at the thought.

"Thank you."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to ask, but do you mind telling me how she's _really_ doing in school?"

"Doesn't she talk to you about it?"

"Of course, but I think she feels indebted to me to the point that she'd lie to make sure I thought she was happy. She feels too guilty to not be content, I think. I just want what's best for her."

"Well, Ms. Lindsay, she's quiet. Very quiet. And she can be sullen and stroppy at times, but she's a good kid. She has a couple of friends. And, like I said, she's going to make an extraordinary writer one day. As for her other subjects, I can't speak on behalf of my colleagues, but I'm sure she's doing okay."

Erin nodded. "Okay," she breathed a sigh of relief just as Jay came into the room. She was already in her pajamas and had been sat in their bed in that old AC/DC t-shirt with a book in front of her when Mrs. Puckett had called. "Thanks for the call, I really appreciate it."

They said goodbye, and Jay looked at her questioningly when she hung up.

"That was Avery's English teacher. She wanted us to know that Avery's excelling at English, and specifically, creative writing, and to tell us that she'd like for Avery to participate in this state-wide creative writing competition."

"Wow," Jay breathed, and threw back the covers to join her. "That's huge!"

"Mmm," Erin sighed and snuggled up to his chest, tossing her book aside and breathing in his scent. "I'm so proud of her," Erin murmured into his chest.

There was a sudden sharp intake of breath from Jay and Erin looked up at him in alarm. "Jesus," he gritted his teeth. "Your feet are _freezing!"_

Erin smirked.

* * *

The next few weeks were characterized by a series of tiny milestones. First friend Avery was allowed to bring home. First time Erin let her have a weak painkiller to fend off a particularly bad headache. First family dinner at Hank's. Being given her own key to their apartment. The first time she was trusted to catch the bus from her school to the district, and then, after that, the first time she was allowed to go straight home without waiting for Erin or Jay to drop her off when they had a break.

Tiny milestones - or huge leaps, depending on how you looked at them.

Avery and Erin grew closer and closer.

Avery had jumped at the chance to write for a competition, and had asked Erin's advice on what topic to choose.

 _Write what you know,_ Erin had told her.

 _But everything I know is so depressing,_ Avery said back.

Erin shrugged. _Sometimes the best art comes from pain._

Avery grinned back at her. _Like The Bell Jar? And Tess?_

 _Exactly._

When she'd finished writing her piece for the competition, Erin made her read it aloud in front of her and Jay in the living room one evening when they were cuddled on the couch in front of a sad-looking and rather tacky Christmas tree. Erin and Jay were sipping glasses of red wine, which was another milestone for Avery, being around alcohol. It had taken a lot of persuasion for her to finally agree to read out loud to them - despite her love of books, she'd been out of education for the best part of nearly five years so reading aloud was a challenge - but eventually, she sat cross-legged on the floor in front of them, dressed in a baggy sweater and fluffy socks, her hair scraped up into a messy ponytail, and began to read with a small, shaky, voice.

It was all about Luca.

 _Write what you know,_ Erin had said.

So Avery had written a piece about what it was like _not_ knowing. What were Luca's last words? Avery was there, but she couldn't remember, and there was no one who could tell her. What was going through his head when he died? _Why_ had he died? Why had he been killed when she hadn't, when he was a far better person than she'd ever be? And, most importantly, who had killed him? Were they ever going to pay for their actions? There were so many questions.

It was naked and vulnerable and honest, her writing. It told the cold, bitter truth: what it was like living on the streets. What it felt like to have the only stable aspect of your life shot through the head in front of your very eyes and all the things that went alongside that.

She talked about herself, too. How impossible it was to even remember who she had been before she had the weight of her best friend's murder weighing on her shoulders and clouding her vision. How she often wondered whether it was worth it - "there was only one bullet," she read, getting more and more into it with every word that left her lips, as if the typed up manuscript in front of her was absorbing her whole, "but there was two deaths. I will never be that girl again."

Her narrative was poetic, and Erin smiled in spite of how emotional it was when she noticed Plath's influence in the way Avery liked to put her metaphors at the end of sentences, and Hardy's influence in the way she spoke of how hard it was to reconcile who she was 'before' and who she is 'after' and how unfair it is that the world doesn't care about her blight. It just spins around on its axis, callously indifferent to her suffering despite having caused it. The longer sentences, Erin recognized as Woolf's influence, while the imagery and the symbolism that resonated throughout reminded her of _The Great Gatsby,_ another one she'd recommended to her.

Some of it was angry, some of it was sad. Parts of it were even funny.

But Mrs. Puckett had been right – it was _phenomenal._

When she was finished, Erin and Jay both applauded her, whooping and cheering in their tiny living room, giving her a standing ovation and making her blush, before Erin pulled her to her feet and started to dance around to _All I Want For Christmas_ as it played on the stereo, and Jay pulled Avery onto his back and she screamed.

After a while, the three of them fell onto the sofa laughing, and Erin snatched the remote control from the couch's armrest, flicking through channels to find a Christmas movie for them to watch, and none of them had ever been happier.

Little did they know then, that less than a week later, it would all be gone.


	26. It's Over

**_CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE: IT'S OVER_**

It all happened so fast.

One moment, Luca's case files were gathering dust in their desk drawers and the murder board was almost ready to be dismantled, and the next they had a thumb drive with both Luca's and Jason's prints all over it.

And everything they needed to close their investigation.

It was a blur.

Flashing lights, blue sirens that shone from the back of their black GMC Sierra as the brakes screeched on tarmac and rolled up outside of Mateo Herrera's motel room; Erin barely had time to register Jay's firm hand settling her stomach as he placed it just gently in the small of her back before they grabbed their service weapons from their pockets, cocking the guns and sprinting stealthily to room 384 and smashing the door down.

 _CHICAGO PD!_

Torch beams searched where their eyes couldn't, and they found their target.

Metal handcuffs.

Miranda rights.

More sirens.

Hearts pounding in chests from anticipation and exertion.

And _fear._

* * *

Erin sat in the boot of the Sierra, her legs dangling as she watched him being led into the back of the police car; Jay noticed her white knuckles and her fingers balled into fists and he tried to place a hand over hers in comfort but she shook him off and clenched her jaw, her eyes set on the man in front of her, and before he could even think about doing something, Erin was on her feet and running towards him.

"Hey!" she yelled, so loud her already husky voice sounded like a roar.

The uniformed officers turned around, Herrera in between them turning to face her.

Erin got right up close to him, so close that she could feel his disgusting breath on her face. "Do you have _any_ idea what you've done? Luca Sanchez was _seventeen!"_

Herrera just smirked, and the fury welled in Erin's chest until her fist acted of its own accord and before she knew it, her knuckles had collided with his jaw and he stumbled back, spitting onto the floor.

" _Seventeen!"_ Erin roared at him again and she felt the strong hands of Jay, Atwater and Kim restraining them. She struggled against their arms but they held on.

"Erin," Jay murmured into her hair, and she relaxed slightly, the sound of his voice finally dragging her back to reality. "Erin…"

They let go once Herrera had been loaded into the back of the police car, and Jay stared at her.

"What happened? Erin?"

She looked up at him, trying to will herself not to burst into tears in front of everyone, but…

But she couldn't. _Damn it._ All she needed was to look at Jay and she didn't care about what anyone else in the world thought of her.

Her face crumpled, and her hands jumped to her face, covering her mouth to stifle a sob.

Atwater turned away, abruptly and Erin couldn't be more thankful for his small gift of privacy, dragging Kim, who wanted to see that her friend was okay, away from the two partners.

Jay did a quick look over his shoulders to check for Voight, but decided he didn't care and pulled Erin to his chest anyway. When Voight did turn around and see them, he was ready to march over there and give them a piece of his mind about showing their relationship in public – while on a call, no less – before he noticed that Erin's shoulders were shaking and Jay was doing his best not to burst into tears too.

Voight met Jay's eyes over Erin's head, and he gave him a small nod.

 _Take her home,_ Voight mouthed, and Jay nodded back.

"Come on," he whispered, and they got back into the car. Erin hiccoughed slightly, and Jay took her hand in his and didn't let go the whole time they were driving.

* * *

"Avery, honey, can we talk to you?" Erin knocked on Avery's bedroom door gingerly, Jay hovering behind her.

Avery nodded and pulled out her earphones, tossing her homework aside and shuffling over on the bed to make space for the two adults.

"Sure, what's up?" she said.

"We, uh…" Erin took a deep breath. "We caught a break in Luca's case," she said slowly.

There was a long silence, that stretched between them like oceans.

"We got him," Jay whispered, laying a hand on Avery's shoulder. "Where he's going, he's never going to hurt anyone ever again."

Avery nodded. Her eyes filled with tears and she bit her lip.

"You really got him?"

Her chin was wobbling.

"Yes, baby, we got him," Erin said in a rush and pulled Avery in for a hug. "It's over."

Avery didn't respond to that and instead she held onto Erin's shoulders. Jay put his arms around the two of them and together they sat on the bed, holding Avery as she sobbed into Erin's shoulders.

"It's over," Erin repeated, and then she met Jay's eyes over the top of Avery's head.

 _It's over._ They both knew she wasn't just talking about the case.

* * *

The hallways of the twenty first district had never felt as long and as cold and as unwelcoming as they did the day Avery Murray was called in to identify the man who murdered her best friend Luca Sanchez. Although the evidence had stacked up against the guy – forensic as well as their standard motive, means, and opportunity – Voight wanted to make sure there was no doubt about it. No loose ends that could swing a jury or prevent this monster from spending the rest of his days behind bars.

And one thing that usually stood up in court, provided they could be proven to be reliable and credible sources, of course, were witness statements and positive identifications from people who were actually there at the scene of the crime.

And although Erin and Jay both knew that Avery's witness statement could, and would, only serve to strengthen the mountain of evidence they already had against Herrera, rather than make or break the case, the memory of Nadia's trial and Erin being put on the stand and forced to discredit her murdered best friend was enough to make the both of them reluctant to put Avery through a trial.

But they'd spoken to her about it, and as Erin had suspected, she wanted to testify. She positively identified Herrera out of a lineup with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever, and demanded that Erin allow for her to be put on the stand.

Erin wasn't so sure; the doubt had sown its seed in her belly and just wouldn't go away. Later that night when they'd got back to the apartment, Erin knocked gently on Avery's bedroom door and nudged it open with her toe.

"Listen, Avery, I want to talk to you about the trial - about you testifying against Herrera. I just...don't know if that's a good idea," Erin protested. "A trial's gonna be very difficult – they're gonna want to dig up everything they can to discredit you, and pick you apart on the stand, and…"

"Don't you think I'm ready? I can handle it," Avery shot back. Jay, who was in the room next door while all this was taking place, wanting to give them the space they needed to get this conversation done with, smirked slightly at how much Avery sounded like Erin already.

"That's not it," Erin shook her head.

"Erin, he was my _best friend!"_ she pleaded. "Besides, you owe me at least this."

Erin raised an eyebrow. "I owe you for what, exactly, young lady?"

Avery sighed. "I wasn't gonna bring this up, but I expected that _you_ would, and you haven't, and it's been four days already since you caught him, and I really think we should talk, or at least acknowledge, or _something,_ and…" she rambled. Erin frowned, concerned.

"What, Avery?"

"You've caught Luca's killer. I don't need to be in protective custody – or whatever the hell this even was – anymore. So we're back to square one. If you're just going to boot me out as soon as you can, you can at least let me help put my best friend's murderer behind bars!"

Erin was speechless. She'd had no idea that Avery was so bitter about this whole thing.

"Avery, love, you've known all along that this was only a temporary placement."

Avery's face fell. Whatever she'd wanted Erin to say, it wasn't _this_.

"So that's _it_?" her voice was weak and dangerously close to cracking. "After everything? You're not even gonna fight for it? For _me_?"

"Avery, that wasn't what…" Erin trailed off.

"Save it," Avery spat back at her, and stormed out of the room, grabbing her keys and coat, and stomping right past where Jay was preparing food in the kitchen and out the front door, slamming it behind her. The slam ricocheted through the apartment walls and made the decorations on the Christmas tree tinkle.

"Avery!" Jay tried to call. He stopped what he was doing as Erin came to join him. "What happened?" he asked softly. He knew already, of course, he heard most of it, but that wasn't really what he was asking, and they both knew it.

"I don't know," Erin whispered.

Jay quickly brushed his hands down on his jeans, and walked over to where she had sat down at the breakfast bar. "Hey, it's okay. She'll be okay. She's just shocked and emotional because of Luca, and the case, and she's taking it out on you. She knew this was temporary. You shouldn't have to feel pressured into anything you don't want to do."

He put his arms around her and she leaned her head into his torso, stroking his arm. Her eyes drifted shut.

She couldn't help but question how her boyfriend could know her so well – her little habits and tiny insecurities and the way she sleeps and the depth of her breathing and the way he could notice even the smallest change in her mood as if he were a puppy who could smell her fear – and yet he was so completely oblivious to how she was feeling right now.

"When I first offered Avery to come and stay here," she said so quietly it sounded like a tiny, rattling breath, and Jay almost didn't hear, "she asked me why. She said, 'Why should I believe anything that comes out of your mouth when I know you're just gonna chuck me back into the system again the second I've helped you with your case?' and I told her, 'because I am the _only_ person right now who is fighting for you.'"

Jay smiled against the top of her head, where he had rested his chin. "You were right. You were the only chance she had at getting through Luca's death, of getting clean…Erin, you have literally saved that girl's life."

Erin shook her head. She pulled back from Jay and looked up at him, her eyes terrified. "Did I… Jay, did I _lie_ to her? Am I giving up on her now?"

"Shh," Jay said. "Of course not. This was always the plan."

He crouched down slightly so that he was properly at her height, and he wrapped his arms around her. She reached up, and rested her head into his neck, opening her eyes slightly to see the door to their apartment completely shut, where Avery had stormed out a few minutes ago.

The sound of the slam, shattering the silence, still sounded in her ears.

She frowned.

She pulled back from the hug.

"Oh my God," she whispered.

"Erin?" Jay stuttered, worry seeping into his words. "Is everything okay?"

She pushed him back. "No. I need to go. I need to go after her."

And she, like Avery, grabbed her parka off the railing in the hallway, shoving her bare feet into her combat boots without even bothering to tie her laces, grabbing her keys off the mantelpiece and running out into the snow that was lashing down onto the streets of Chicago.

"Erin?!" Jay yelled after her, but she left him standing in the doorway of their apartment as she dashed out into the night.

Oh, she was an _idiot_.

She wasn't upset because she'd lied to Avery; she wasn't upset because Avery was upset.

She was upset for the exact same reason Avery was.

Erin didn't want her to leave either.

She just hoped it wasn't too late.


	27. What We Discussed A Few Months Ago

**_CHAPTER TWENTY SIX: WHAT WE DISCUSSED A FEW MONTHS AGO_**

She couldn't believe that it had taken her all this time to realize what it was that she wanted. She'd been digging her heels in, for some reason, but she'd known in her bones that she was meant to be Avery's mom since the day she'd dropped her off at rehab.

What would Erin have done if Voight had told her he'd just boot her out right after she got clean? After she got clean _for him?_

Probably exactly what Avery was doing right now.

It was _so cold_ outside, the snow lashing down like tiny ice bullets determined to make her turn around and go back inside to the warm comfort of her apartment and her boyfriend, but Erin didn't care. She was too desperate to care, by this point.

She ran to her car, barely able to see it through the snowstorm but she managed to make it, flinging open the driver's side so violently that the whole car shook at the strain on the door's hinges; she slammed it and barely paused to buckle herself in, and before Jay had the chance to follow her, she had pulled out of the parking lot and was driving as fast as she legally could down the icy streets in the direction of DCFS.

* * *

"Hi? Hi – Sharon. It's Erin," she said into her phone, which was resting on the passenger's seat, on loudspeaker so that she wouldn't get pulled over – or cause an accident – by being on the phone when the weather was like this.

"Detective Lindsay, hi! How are you? How is Avery? I heard you caught Luca Sanchez's killer and I've been meaning to call you in for a meeting regarding –"

"I'm on my way now," Erin cut her off. "Is that okay?"

"Uh, sure thing," Sharon replied. "Have you thought any more about what we discussed a few months ago?"

Erin grinned. "That is all I've been thinking about. It's why I'm coming."

She could practically feel Sharon's smile through the phone line before she hung up.

* * *

"Now, Detective Lindsay –"

"Erin," Erin corrected her. "I'm only Detective Lindsay when I'm at work. You can call me Erin."

"Okay, Erin," Sharon corrected herself. "I just want to make sure that you know exactly what you're signing up for."

Erin nodded. They were sat in Sharon's office, and the weather outside had become so cold and wet that Erin's hair was plastered to her face and it had taken her a good ten minutes and a cup of steaming coffee to stop her from shivering.

She swallowed. "Yes. I do. Trust me, I do. I want to carry on fighting for Avery. She's come so far already since she first came to live with me – you're seen it. She's clean now. She's at school, and she's doing great. Her English teacher is absolutely gushing about her talent – did I tell you she was asked to submit a piece of her writing to the Illinois High Schools Creative Writing Contest?"

"She sounds like she's doing really well, Erin," the social worker smiled.

"She is. And I know that I was reluctant to apply for official foster care when we first spoke about it, but we were technically still working a case, and Avery was our witness – I didn't want it to become a conflict of interest. Now that she's clean, and she's settled, I really do want her to become a part of our family."

Sharon smiled again. "So Jay is okay with this?"

Erin bit her lip slightly. She wasn't actually sure. "I – how does the application process work, exactly?"

"Well," Sharon took a breath. "There are inspections of your house and interviews, and lots of forms to fill out, and we'll need to make sure that both parties – you and Jay as well as Avery – are happy with the placement. But since you're already her legal guardian, we can fast track the process if you'd like?"

Erin nodded. "I'll sign wherever I need to sign."

"Okay then!" Sharon dug through her desk drawers and pulled out a bunch of files. "I just need your signature, and I'll make sure to keep up my house visits, more regularly for the first few months, and then we'll see how we go from there. There'll be more paperwork to come, but I'll give you a few more days together before we have to fill all that out."

Erin couldn't stop smiling. "Okay. Thank you!"

Now she just had to find Avery.

* * *

"Erin?" Jay's voice was anxious and angry at the same time when she turned the key in the lock and entered the apartment, the foster parent application papers hidden in her bag and under her coat to protect them from the weather outside.

"Yeah?" she called.

"Avery needs to talk to you." His teeth were gritted; she could hear it in his voice.

"She's here? Thank God. Avery, honey, I need to talk to you too—"

But she stopped talking the second she stepped into Avery's bedroom, after having discarded all her papers and bags and coat and shoes on the hallway floor, and saw Avery sat on her bed, soaking wet and wrapped in a towel, and Jay stood over her, his arms crossed, biceps tensed and his jaw clenching and unclenching as he stared at the girl. Avery was staring at the floor, and her eyes were red and puffy. She'd been crying – and, from the looks of things, she was about to start crying again.

"What's going on?" Erin started, but then her eyes fell onto the plastic bag on the bedside table, filled with what couldn't be anything other than heroin. She looked at Avery, and then raised a shaky hand to point at it. "Please," Erin closed her eyes for a second to try and swallow her anger, but her voice was quaking. "Tell me that isn't what I think it is."

"Erin, I can explain!" Avery cried, standing up from where she was sat and throwing off the towel. "Please, just listen to me."

"After everything we went through – everything _you_ went through to get clean?"

"It's not – it's not _mine_!" Avery tried.

"Oh, really?" Erin spat, raising an eyebrow. She was absolutely fuming, and from the look on Jay's face, he was too. "Avery, we had a _deal_. Absolutely no drugs under this roof. Why couldn't you understand that? It's not just about you!" Erin was yelling at her now.

"I'm sorry," Avery sobbed. "I'm sorry, okay? I just do these…stupid things and I don't know why, and…and I'm sorry. I'm _done_."

"Jay," Erin instructed, her fists clenched and far too shaky to do this herself. Her eyes were trained on Avery, she was gritting her teeth and clenching her jaw and trying not to fall apart right there and then. "Can you please get rid of it."

It wasn't a question.

He nodded, and took the small plastic bag into the bathroom. A second later they heard a flush.

"Erin," Avery hiccoughed, her face scrunched up and streaky with tears and makeup and melted snow from earlier in the evening. _"Please._ I'm sorry."

Erin just started at her, her mouth turned up in disgust. "I _trusted_ you, Avery," she muttered, and then left the room, barely holding it together, until she made it into the bathroom she shared with Jay, locked the door, and fell apart at the sink.


	28. To My Kids

**_CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: TO MY KIDS_**

* * *

 **a/n** hope everyone is having a wonderful christmas! (gonna post a couple of chapters this evening because this one is angsty and depressing and y'all deserve something more light hearted on christmas day, aha) enjoy x

* * *

When she emerged from her bedroom, she felt a little calmer. She'd taken a shower, cleaned herself up, and put on one of Jay's t-shirts with a pair of skinny jeans, and when she stepped out into the hallway, the smell of dinner almost made her smile.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked softly.

Erin just shrugged.

Jay's only response was a small smile. He knew.

Just then, Avery came out of her room with her suitcase, dragging it behind her. She was still a mess, still covered in tears and old makeup, and her dark hair had tangled and knotted, hanging limply by her shoulders.

"Where the hell are you going?" Erin demanded. She was still angrier than she thought she'd ever been.

"Back," Avery snapped at her.

"Avery…" Erin's voice was tinged with warning.

"It's okay," she turned her face up to look at Erin for the first time since she'd emerged from her room. "I'm used to it. I know the way back to DCFS from here. I'll just get a bus."

"I don't think so, young lady," Erin moved to stand between Avery and the door. You're _grounded."_

"What the hell?" Avery yelled. "You are _not_ my mom, you've made that pretty damn clear. I'm just temporary, right?"

"Avery Murray, I am still your legal guardian and you are still in my care, so you are going to do exactly as I say when you are in my home. Do not walk out of that goddamn door; you do it all the time! I swear to God if you do it'll be the last time I'm following you out there."

Avery frowned slightly. "What do you mean, the last…?" but the realisation dawned on her suddenly. _Erin had followed her out into the freezing night just hours ago._ Avery swallowed.

"Turn around." Erin's voice was quiet, but so assertive that Avery completely faltered. "You are not leaving this apartment unless I say so, and it is only to go to school or come to the district with us. Understood?"

Avery nodded.

"And I am confiscating your phone," she added, just because she was being petty and she wanted the satisfaction of taking away the one thing teenage girls rely on the most.

To Erin's surprise, Avery smiled. She tried to hide it, but Erin caught the slight slip of Avery's mouth as she tried to disguise the small movement, but it sneaked out and got the better of her.

"You are _not_ supposed to be happy about this!" Erin exclaimed, her hands flying into the air and slapping down on her thighs in exasperation.

Avery shrugged. "I've never been grounded before. No one's ever cared enough."

Erin swallowed, and shot an uncomfortable glance at Jay. "I'm still pissed off at you, Avery. You betrayed my trust. The _one thing_ I asked of you when you're living here is not to bring drugs in to my home, and you did it anyway. After everything I've done for you."

"I know. Erin, I'm really sorry. If you'd just let me explain –"

Erin held up a hand to silence her. "Save it," she snapped. "Frankly, I couldn't give a shit. If it ever happens again, Avery…"

She didn't need to finish. Avery could imagine for herself all the different punishments Erin had in line for her. She was a police officer, after all.

"You will send me back," she finished for her.

Erin looked horrified. "No!" she cried.

Jay frowned.

"Erin?" he said, and she seemed shocked to see him there, as if she'd forgotten he was even in the room.

She ignored him.

"Avery, I – I want to tell you something. Earlier, when you asked me if I'd stopped fighting for you, I realized something."

Jay stared at her. _What the hell was going on?_

"I realized that the reason I was so quick to push you away was because I didn't want you to leave. It wasn't that I wanted you gone; it was that I was scared of getting too attached to you and then having you taken away from me – like the last time."

It was Avery's turn to stare at her. Where she'd previously been staring at her shoes, sniffing the rest of the winter snow out of her lungs, she now stood, her eyes wide and glassy, transfixed on Erin's pained face.

"I don't understand," Avery murmured. The mood had changed so much in the past hour that she didn't even know what to think.

"What I mean is," Erin walked slowly over to her bag, which she'd discarded on the sofa earlier when she god back from DCFS, and pulled out the foster paperwork. She handed them to Avery. "I applied for official foster status. If you want it, we can make this official. Long-term."

Avery stared at the paper.

Erin's grin faltered.

"Aren't you – aren't you pleased?"

Avery shook her head. "No, I am…I'm – I'm thrilled, really." But her voice sounded dull and dark and thick.

Erin frowned. "Then what's the problem?"

Avery looked up at her, her eyes filled with different tears than before. "You didn't even _ask_ me," she whispered, and thrust the documents back into Erin's chest as she went back into her room and shut the door.

Erin stared, open-mouthed, at the closed door. "What the hell just happened?" she asked, spinning around to face Jay.

He was staring at her, the anger and hurt and frustration in his eyes hitting her full force like bullets.

"I could ask you the same thing," he whispered, and she swallowed.

"Jay…"

"When were you planning on telling me about this, Erin? When you'd _adopted_ her? When you'd changed her surname? What the hell is this – we're supposed to be a _team!"_

"I know, Jay, I just wanted her to know that she's loved and that we want her in our lives!"

"That _you_ want her in our lives, you mean," he muttered.

"What?"

"I said, that _you_ want her in our lives." He paused, and she stared at him in shock. "You didn't even _ask_ me!" he continued, his voice getting louder, "I'm not ready to foster a fourteen year old girl! Hell, neither of us are!"

"You don't know that," Erin insisted. "We've done perfectly fine already!"

"Have we, Erin?" His voice was dangerously raised. "We took her to rehab and got her clean, only for me to find drugs in her bedroom! She's broken the _only_ rule we ever gave her! She comes home late, goes out whenever she feels like it, and the second she doesn't get her way she storms out to God knows where and doesn't seem to _care_ that we put our necks on the line for her every single day!"

"But she's _clean,_ Jay!" Erin yelled back. "Do you think I don't know that this is gonna be tough? Do you think I think that this is all gonna be some happy go lucky fairground ride? You forget, I _am_ Avery, Jay. You forget that everything she's going through and doing, I went through. _I_ did. Is that why you have such a hard time being around her? Because she's exactly who I used to be before Hank helped me?"

"No, Erin, that's not it, I…"

"You _what,_ Jay? You think I can't handle it? You think I'm not ready to fight for her? You think that I'm just gonna get hurt again?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"You know what, Jay, I am so _sick_ of you constantly needing to protect me all the time! For once I'd like you to just support me on something and not feel the need to steer me away from everything like it's a trigger and I'm gonna go off the rails again!"

"Erin, shut up. Listen to me. I know you can handle it, but of _course_ I don't want to see you get hurt; I love you! But you never thought, even for a second, that you should _tell_ me about this idea before going to Avery with it? We _live_ together, Erin, how did you think this was gonna work?"

"You've _never_ wanted Avery here, Jay. I didn't tell you because I _knew_ you'd be against it, and you'd never understand how important it is to me that she's okay and that she's loved. And that she's okay and loved _here._ By _me._ By _us._ "

"And you didn't care how I'd feel about it?"

"No, Jay, I do care! You've never wanted Avery here. But I've seen you together and you love her, too. I can tell. Nothing changes now except a signature on a piece of paper!"

"No, Erin, _everything_ changes. What about _our_ plans? _Our_ future together?"

"There isn't gonna be one, Jay, unless you accept Avery here and learn to love her like your own daughter! Because right now, the _only_ thing I can think about is making sure that girl gets a loving home and a stable environment and someone who is going to fight for her 24/7 – and if you're not going to be a part of that, then I want you out of here."

Jay's mouth fell open. "You're kicking me out?" He said incredulously. "Erin, I just need a little time to get my head around it…"

"And you can have that time," Erin snapped. "Elsewhere. When you're ready to act like an adult and give my foster daughter the care and attention she deserves, then we can talk. Until then, I'm sorry Jay, but I need love and positivity here, okay?"

Jay stormed past her into their bedroom and a few minutes later returned with a suitcase full of his things.

"I'm sorry, Jay," Erin whispered. She'd been holding it together but now everything just seemed too much. Was she _really_ about to cut Jay, her support, her love, her _partner,_ out of her life - for Avery?

"Yeah, me too." His voice was thick like hers but he didn't turn to face her until he'd put on his shoes at the door and grabbed his coat and his keys from the side. "Erin?" he said and she nodded, not daring to make a sound lest it came out as a sob. "Do you remember the morning after we found out that Avery was, well, _Avery,_ and we were in the car, and I told you that you'd make an 'amazing mom someday'?"

Erin nodded again. This time her face was so screwed up that it was obvious she was holding back tears; she didn't care. She wasn't kicking him out because she never wanted to see him again, and she wasn't even kicking him out because she wanted to break up with him. This was hurting her – so, so, much. She _needed_ him to know that she still cared, that she still loved him and wanted her as a part of her life - so she didn't mind if she cried a little. Besides, Jay knew her so well by now that - she _hoped,_ at least - he knew that she didn't want to be doing this.

Jay cleared his throat and peeled his eyes off the floor. "I just always thought that it would be to my kids."

And he left, slamming the door and the only thing that held Erin upright. She collapsed onto the sofa, covered her face with her hands and wept.


	29. Understood

**_CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT: UNDERSTOOD_**

It only took a few minutes before Avery was out of her bedroom and sat next to Erin on the sofa. Erin had tried to wipe the tears from her face, tried to turn away the second that Avery emerged from the door across the landing, so that she couldn't see her cry, but Avery just sat down next to her, put an arm around her foster mother's shoulders, and pulled her in for a long hug, and Erin lost it again, crying gently into the fourteen year old's arms.

"Shh," Avery whispered gently, stroking Erin's hair.

After a few minutes, Erin calmed down, and she sat up straighter.

"Are you okay?" Avery asked. She looked scared.

Erin smiled at her through her glassy eyes. "I am now," she whispered, and leaned forward, planting a kiss on the top of Avery's head and giving her another hug. "Thank you, honey."

"You didn't have to do that, you know," Avery muttered.

"Do what?"

"Any of it. Foster me, break up with Jay for me…"

"Oh, honey, of course I did! You're…"

"I didn't mean it earlier. Of course I knew that this was only temporary, those were the terms when I came to live with you. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. I was just upset about Luca and pissed off that you wouldn't let me testify, and sad because I wouldn't get to see you guys anymore."

"Hey, you don't have to apologize." Erin put two fingers under Avery's chin and tilted her head up so that she was looking her in the eyes. "You never have to apologize for feeling things. I just want you to _talk_ to me when you do, not run out of the house, okay?"

Avery shrugged, smiling a little. "Okay. Sorry about that."

Erin sniffed and wiped her dripping nose with her sleeve. Avery wrinkled her nose.

"Gross!" she said, and Erin snorted softly, giving her a gentle shove with her elbow.

"Also," Erin continued. "Even if this _were_ temporary – and it still is, you know, foster placements aren't supposed to be forever, and if at any point you _want_ to leave, that is perfectly within your right – even if this were temporary, don't ever think that that would mean I wouldn't want to see you again. Avery, you're very, very important to me. I don't ever want you to doubt that, okay?"

She nodded, wiping away a rogue tear that had slipped out of the corner of one eye. "But you really didn't have to break up with Jay for me."

Erin took a deep breath. She didn't want to cry again, but the gravity of what had just happened was sinking in. "I think," she said slowly, chewing the words around in her mouth so that she didn't say anything too painful, "I think that he just needs a little time to process what's happened, and I just need a little time to make sure that everything goes smoothly with your social workers."

Avery shook her head. "I don't know why you think that you have to push him away – if you think that he doesn't understand this part of your life, or that he can't take it, or that I can't handle seeing you guys fight every now and then – whatever it is, I think you need to be honest with yourself, Erin."

Erin's face crumpled slightly as she tried to keep it together. She reached for Avery again and pulled her closer to her, so that Avery's head rested on Erin's shoulders, and Erin's chin rested on Avery's head, and both of their hearts rested perfectly together. "What did I do to deserve you?" Erin whispered into her hair, and Avery's hands found her own.

"I should be asking the same thing," she whispered back. "I'm sorry I got mad at you earlier, Erin. I couldn't be happier that you fostered me. And I'm sorry about the drugs. I swear, that was a mistake – I didn't even remember that I'd hidden them, and then Jay found them and I…"

"Shh, I understand. Listen Avery, I know that you're on a journey. You're not where you want to be yet, and I get that. You're not where I want you to be, either – where I know you _need_ to be. But it takes time, okay? You've just got to keep going. After Hank took me in and got me clean, there was still a long way to go for me, and you're not finished yet. But you're a good kid. I can see that. So just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep talking to me, and keep your head on straight, and you'll be fine. You're getting there." She kissed her foster daughter on the head again. "And I am so, so, proud."

Avery smiled. She pushed herself up and out of the sofa, leaving Erin's startled expression behind her, and she grabbed the TV remote from where it lay on the coffee table, flicking on the television and flopping back down next to Erin. She grabbed the blanket that lay folded over the back of the chair and threw it over the two of them.

"Do you remember when I came to stay with you the first time, and I had a huge panic attack in the middle of the night and you didn't know what to do, so you brought me in here and turned on the TV and put on a nature documentary –"

"David Attenborough," Erin smiled.

"That's the guy. And you just held me until I calmed down, and I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up I was in my own bed."

Erin nodded. "I carried you back when Jay came over, and…" she trailed off. _Jay. What had she_ done?

"Sorry," Avery said sheepishly. "I didn't mean to bring him up…"

Erin shook her head that it was okay. "No, it's fine. I called him when you were really bad, I didn't know what to do, and then by the time he got here, I had it all under control. By the time he opened the door we were both asleep. He woke us up and I carried you into your room."

Avery smiled. "I'm sorry you guys broke up," she said, nestling her head into Erin's neck as she flicked through the channels, looking for a David Attenborough program.

Erin swallowed. "I am, too. We used to watch David Attenborough programs together, too, when Jay got really bad."

Avery frowned. "Really bad, how?"

"His PTSD from Afghanistan…sometimes I'd wake up to find him sat up in bed covered in cold sweats, staring straight ahead, or else he'd load his gun in his sleep, or have huge panic attacks, like the one you had, and no matter how much coaxing or persuading I did, he wouldn't snap out of it. So I just lay with him on the sofa with David Attenborough playing in the background until he woke up."

"Jeez, Erin, that sounds rough," Avery said. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Erin shrugged. "I can handle it," she said. "And besides, he did it for me, too. There were times I lost sleep over things I'd seen or had to do. When my…" she swallowed. "When Hank's son, Justin, was killed, I – he was like my brother – and I…Hank and I…found him, in the trunk of a car, and I…" she trailed off for a second, lost in thought remembering how Jay had been her rocking backward and forwards in bed, shaking, in the aftermath of Justin's death and Hank's vigilante killing of his murderer. "Some things are pretty hard to unsee."

Avery found her hand under the blanket and squeezed it. "I know," she whispered.

There was a pang in Erin's heart at that. Avery was only fourteen and Erin knew that the girl did, in fact, know. She'd just seen her best friend shot in the head, after all.

"Thank you, Avery," Erin whispered.

"For what?" she frowned.

"For being my friend," Erin said back. "And you know I'm here for you in the same way, right? That's how this works, okay? I get to talk to you, and you definitely get to talk to me. Any time. Understood?"

Avery smiled. "Understood," she whispered, and the two of them snuggled together on the couch, letting David Attenborough's British murmur sing them to sleep.


	30. Christmas

_**CHAPTER TWENTY NINE: CHRISTMAS (WITH THE FOSTER MOM'S FOSTER DAD)**_

* * *

 **a/n** enjoy the *official* christmas chapter! there'll be a few more editions up until new year's, but then that's the end of volume i, so there'll be a hiatus while i draft volume ii, and then we'll get stuck back in :) hope everyone's had a great christmas xx

ALSO i promise there'll be a happy ending eventually for erin and jay! it's gonna be worth the wait, i swear ;)

* * *

"Hurry up, Avery, we're gonna be late!" Erin called down the hallway. It was Christmas eve, a few weeks since Erin had broken up with Jay, and they were spending the next few days at Voight's. Erin thought it was important for Christmas time to be family time, and so she'd persuaded Voight to let them stay over. She knew it was always tough for him to spend Christmas alone, even more so in the wake of Justin's death, and she suspected that Voight thought the same about her. It was, after all, the first Christmas in four years that she hadn't spent with Jay.

This year was gonna be pretty lonely for everyone, it seemed.

"What does it matter?" Avery moaned from her bedroom. "We're already gonna be late. Besides, you're _always_ late."

It was true. Hank had told them to be at his around 6 – which, Hank knowing Erin and her time-keeping ability as well as he did, translated roughly into 6:30. It was 6:45 and they still hadn't left yet.

Erin gave an exasperated sigh. "What's taking you so long?" she called.

"I just…don't know what to _wear_ ," Avery muttered back, sticking her head out from the door frame shyly.

Erin grinned. "Wow. Avery Murray, unsure of what to wear. I never thought I'd see the day."

Avery stuck her head out of her bedroom door just to send Erin a death glare. "Well, excuse me for trying to look nice for your dad," she muttered under her breath.

"Avery, trust me. Hank doesn't care. Just throw on a pair of jeans and a nice top and you'll be fine," Erin grinned. "There are only gonna be the three of us there, you know."

"It's not fair," the teenager whined. "You're literally wearing ripped jeans and you look like you're off to the Oscar's!"

Erin blushed slightly. She was wearing a striped, off the shoulder top and her ripped mom jeans, and they hadn't been washed in probably about two weeks. Her hair tied up behind her head in a messy bun, and she'd put on heels just to balance it out and make sure she looked like she'd at least made _some_ effort for Hank.

Sighing, Avery threw on a black skirt, fishnet tights, and a white strappy top. Her red and black plaid shirt was gonna have to do instead of a jumper, and her old black Doc Martens were all she had. She checked herself out in the mirror.

"I really need to get some new clothes," she called out to Erin, who stuck her head around the door.

"I think you look awesome!" she beamed. "Seriously. It's your style." She winked and disappeared out into the hallway again. "Come onnnn," she moaned, jangling her keys for emphasis.

"Erin?" Avery called.

"Yep?"

"Could you – could you do my hair for me?" she asked, shyness muffling her voice.

Erin teared up slightly at that, remembering how Camille did her hair for the one high school dance she actually went to.

"Of course," she smiled, and Avery came trapesing in. Erin plonked her down on the sofa, and began to braid her hair. She'd never done it on anyone other than herself before, but her fingers soon adjusted, weaving strands of Avery's long dark hair into two slightly messy braids. They were careless looking, sure, but Erin thought the look suited her.

Grabbing their suitcases, they made it out into the street and shoved their stuff into the trunk of Erin's car; Avery hopped in the passenger's side and turned up the volume on the stereo so that soon enough Mariah Carey was blasting her famous Christmas tune to the whole neighborhood. Erin was embarrassed at first, and tried to turn it down, but Avery just kept turning it back up, singing along, and doing corny dance moves. Erin couldn't help but grin, and when she reversed out into the street, she joined in a little, too.

When Erin and Avery rang Hank's doorbell, dessert dish in hand, Voight made a big show of opening the door and yawning.

"Why'd you wake me up? It's the middle of the night!" he stretched his arms and yawned again, louder, for emphasis.

"Oh, well if you want us to leave, we can always just…" Erin grinned sarcastically, pretending to turn around with the dessert and make back to the car.

"You're not going anywhere with that," Voight laughed, and pulled her in for a hug.

"Hank, I saw you _yesterday_ ," she struggled against his embrace for a second but it didn't take long for her to relax into the hug.

"Yes," he said quietly into her ear. "And I also saw Jay."

Erin swallowed; Voight felt it on his collarbone.

"What I didn't see, was you two working things out," he whispered, and Erin pulled away.

"We both just need a little bit of time. Shall I put this in the kitchen?" she said spritely, changing the topic in a flash. Hank nodded.

"Hey, Avery," Hank greeted the teenager, who was standing sheepishly on the edge of the porch, rocking her feet backward and forward over the ledge.

"Hi, Sergeant Voight," she said back.

"Please – you're part of the family now," he grinned. "If _she_ –" he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder in the direction that Erin had disappeared in, "–gets to call me Hank, then so do you."

Avery smiled, relaxing slightly. "Hi, Hank," she repeated, and his smile grew even wider. Voight pulled her into a hug just like Erin's and Avery's heart nearly exploded. She was joining her foster mother for dinner at her foster mother's foster father's house. There may be a lot of fosters in that sentence, but this was the closest to family she'd ever gotten, and she sure as hell wasn't gonna complain.

"Come on in," the sergeant lead the way down the corridor into his dining room, where he'd set up three places, one of which had already been taken by Erin.

"Sorry, Ave, but this is my seat. Closest to the radiator."

Avery smiled. It was hard to believe that Erin had once been in Hank's home what Avery was in Erin's, and here Erin was – if you didn't know that they weren't related, you would definitely think Voight were her dad.

 _One day,_ Avery thought. _One day, I'll come back to Erin's for family dinner, and I'll be as much her daughter as she is Hank's._

They talked non-stop all evening about cases Erin and Voight had worked together, and Voight told embarrassing stories about Erin's teenage years, and they talked about sport, and Avery's school, and about the latest episodes of Game of Thrones (which Avery definitely wasn't allowed to watch and, as far as Voight was concerned, _definitely_ hadn't seen). They ate good food, and drank good beer (or Coke for Avery), told good stories, and had good company.

After dinner, Erin and Avery persuaded Voight to let them watch _Love Actually,_ which, unsurprisingly, was not his cup of tea. But how could he resist those two? The three of them headed into Voight's living room where there was a small sofa in front of an old television and a small, slightly sad looking, artificial tree. Erin turned around to look at him in horror when she saw the state of his tree?

" _This_ is your Christmas tree, Hank? _Really?_ "

Voight shrugged. "It was the best I could do. Christmas trees are tacky, anyway."

Erin and Avery locked eyes across the room and grinned. They were thinking the _exact_ same thing.

"Do you still have the decorations?" Erin asked eagerly.

"In the loft…" he said slowly and gruffly, not liking where this was going.

In a split second Erin was out the door and taking the stairs two at a time. When she reemerged she had boxes stacked so high in her arms that you could only see the top of the santa hat poking out the top, Christmas lights wrapped around herself and baubles falling behind her like a trail of breadcrumbs. Avery laughed and in spite of himself, Voight snorted too.

"Come on, Hank! It's Christmas!" Avery said, and started to help Erin as she made a huge mess of decorations on Voight's carpet.

Voight groaned. "Fine," he said.

They started to decorate the tree together, and Avery played Christmas music on her phone.

 _A very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!_

Erin's enthusiasm was catching. Soon enough, Voight was laughing and tossing baubles to Avery as she stood on the arm of the sofa and tried to reach the top of the tree, while Erin was bopping in time to the music with tinsel that she'd tied in her hair catching the light and sending sparkles across the walls; she was tangled in fairy lights and her cheeks were flushed and Voight was caught off-guard with love and pride as he watched his daughter so happy despite everything she'd been through in the past few weeks. He saw how Avery looked at Erin, too, with a kind of disbelieving admiration, but she was laughing, too, trying to untangle Erin and wrap the tree, instead of her foster mother, in lights.

Erin was digging through the box of decorations, tossing tinsel and beads and baubles and ribbons and light everywhere as they covered the room from head to toe in Christmassy magic and sparkle, when she stopped dead.

"Oh, Voight," she whispered.

"What?" he asked, his arms stopping dead where they were attaching a sparkly gold pine cone to the tree.

At the bottom of the box, there was a flattened, faded, and slightly torn Christmas card. It was handmade, the kind of thing kids make when they're too old for glitter glue and crayons but too young to have any money to splash on Christmas cards. It was a photo of Voight, Justin, Camille, and Erin, years ago, with cut-out santa hats that had been glued onto each of their heads and the words, "Merry Christmas" inked in a wobbly, gel-penned attempt at calligraphy.

Inside, the card said:

To Hank, Justin, and Camille

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for being my family.

Love, Erin

She showed him, and then clutched it to her chest. "You still have this?"

He smiled. "Of course I do," he said, his voice thick as he pulled her in for a hug. Avery smiled to herself as she watched them, before Erin's arm shot out and pulled Avery in to join them, too.

The song ended, and _All I Want For Christmas_ came on next.

"Yes!" Erin yelled, despite her apparent disgust at the song earlier. "This is my _jam."_

Avery snorted at her foster mom's attempt to be cool as Voight put the card up on the mantelpiece and Erin re-commenced her dance routine around the living room, using the angel that normally goes on the top of the tree as a microphone.

Somewhere in the excitement, the doorbell rang, and Erin excused herself to go and answer it, as Voight was too preoccupied with the tinsel.

Erin was breathless from all the dancing when she swung open the door.

Standing at the door, in the freezing Chicago snow, was Jay.

"Jay?" she stuttered, her breath hitching simultaneously at the shock of seeing him there and the cold of the night.

She slipped out of the door and shut it behind her.

"Sorry," he replied. "Bad time?"

Erin shook her head. Her chest was heaving still after jumping around and dancing and singing. "Hank and Avery…are just…decorating the…tree," she managed to get out between breaths.

Jay nodded slowly. "I just came to, uh, wish you a merry Christmas. I went to your apartment but figured…"

Erin nodded, avoiding eye contact. "Yeah. We're here for the next few days. Thought Christmas is about family, and Avery might go mad just having me for company…"

The futile attempt at a joke was way too close to home for both of them.

"Listen, Erin, I'm sorry. About everything."

Erin pursed her lips. "Me too, Jay."

"I don't want…I – uh, I thought about what you said. And…you're right. Avery needs unconditional love and support right now, and I'll give you your space to get through the fostering process."

Erin nodded. That's what she'd wanted, wasn't it? _So why did it feel like a punch to the gut?_

"Jay, I know that…"

He held up a hand. "But Erin, you need to be honest with yourself. I think _you're_ the one who needs time. And that's okay. This whole situation is moving really fast – everything is changing so quickly and I think you're panicking and trying to regain control in the one aspect of your life that you can, and –"

Anger suddenly flared up in Erin's chest and she went to speak but he cut her off again.

"But that's _okay._ I'll wait for you, Erin. You should know that by now. I'll wait for you."

The tears welled up inside Erin's throat, replacing the anger with a sudden and shocking emotion that she couldn't quite place, and she could feel the tears turning her hazel eyes glassy. She hoped the darkness concealed them, that the streetlamp nearby didn't cast enough light for him to look right into her the way he normally could.

"Jay…"

He shushed her by placing his freezing lips over her own and her eyes fluttered shut as she remembered how good it felt to be kissing him. Her hands went to his hair, which was flecked with gentle snowflakes and she leaned into him – self-indulgent and selfish, maybe, considering the situation – but it was _Christmas._

He pulled away, touching his forehead to hers. His cold breath met her hot breath and they could see it in front of them, dancing in the darkness as desperate and as taunting as the idea of their life together. Why did it always come to this? Why did they always end up running away from each other?

Both with cheeks flushed and eyes wide and hearts pounding, they stepped back.

"I got you a present," Erin whispered, and before he could say anything, ran back into the house, padding gently upstairs past Avery and Voight in the living room and, reaching her old bedroom, dug around in her duffel bag until she pulled out the parcel that she'd wrapped in brown paper and string.

She wasn't sure when she'd meant to give it to him but she threw it in anyway at the last minute, thinking that she'd pop by Natalie and Will's and leave their presents by – and one for Owen, of course – on Boxing Day, and just give Jay's to Will to pass on from her. It hadn't even crossed her mind, although she was kicking herself now because it definitely should have, that Jay would be staying there.

Nevertheless, she dashed back downstairs to where Jay was waiting on the doorstep, playing with the snow with his feet.

"Here," she shoved the parcel into his hand. "Open it!" she said eagerly.

He did, and found that she'd bought him a gorgeous, _expensive,_ shirt. He smiled to himself.

"It seems stupid now," she muttered. "But I bought it a few weeks ago, when you said you didn't have enough shirts to wear, and I made that joke about date night, and…"

He grinned. "Thank you, Erin. I got you something too, you know, and pulled a small box out of his coat pocket."

"Hey, do you want to come inside? Have a drink, or something? I'm sure Voight wouldn't mind – it's freezing out here!"

Jay just shook his head. "It's probably best not to."

Erin shrugged. "Okay."

She opened the gift, unpicking the gently packaging that could only have been wrapped so meticulously by Jay, and found, to her delight, a gorgeous watch.

"So you're on time," Jay whispered, grinning.

Erin snorted. "Thanks, babe," she said without thinking. "Sorry," she said sheepishly, when she caught his gaze, and they both looked at the floor.

"Anyway," Jay continued. The atmosphere was awkward, to say the least. "You probably want to be getting back inside," he nodded down the hallway to where he could hear Avery and Voight starting _Love Actually_ without Erin.

Erin shrugged. "I don't mind."

"Will and Nat will be…missing me," Jay excused himself, and as he turned to go, Erin impulsively reached out to grab his arm to stop him from going.

"Merry Christmas," she said, looking into his eyes.

"Merry Christmas," he replied.

Without thinking, she stepped out into the snow and wrapped her arms around him. "And I'm sorry, too, Jay. Really."

When they pulled away, Jay smiled. "Like I said, I'll wait for you. I love you Erin. I'll wait."

He placed his fingertips to his lips and then rose them toward Erin as he walked away. Although it broke her to have the man she loved walking away from her and her family on Christmas eve, she knew that this was for the best. They both needed time, and then they'd try again. He'd wait for her, but she'd wait for him, too.

And he still loved her.

She'd known it all along, of course she had – but the simple confirmation of this fact was perhaps the best Christmas present she'd ever been given.

She watched him get into his car and waved slowly as the headlights disappeared around the corner, swallowed up by the winter, and then she stepped back into the house where her family – _her_ family! She almost had to pinch herself – was waiting for her.

"Erin?" Avery called. "You're missing the film!"

She laughed. "I'm coming!"

Fastening her new – gorgeous – watch around her wrist, Erin ran into the living room. Avery budged over so that Erin could sit in the middle, between her and Voight, and the three of them snuggled down in front of the TV.

"Who was it?" Voight murmured.

"Just..." Erin whispered back, not sure if she should tell them or not. "It was Jay," she confessed.

"Are you okay?" Voight asked, ever the concerned father.

Erin took a moment, then she nodded. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah. I'm good. Merry Christmas."

"That's my girl," Voight ruffled her hair and reached his arm around her, kissing the top of her head as Avery snuggled down, laying her head onto Erin's shoulder.

The film finished, and then they stayed up talking into the night, and when they finally made it to bed, Avery crashing in Justin's old room and Erin's in the one she'd grown up in, the family full on many things, including Erin's somewhat famous apple crumble (according to Jay, at least, the only thing she could cook).

Erin hadn't felt that content for weeks.

And Avery hadn't felt that content for her whole life.


	31. Pizza Would Be Great

**_CHAPTER THIRTY: PIZZA WOULD BE GREAT_**

 _"_ _Ten!"_ the crowd chorused, lifting their glasses to the tiny television screen in the corner of the old, warm bar glowed the countdown to the new year.

 _"_ _Nine!"_

They celebrated New Years' at Molly's, as they always did, surrounded by good friends and good beer and people laughing and those twinkly lights that made Erin's insides glow – although, according to Avery, that was probably because she'd had a little too much champagne.

 _"_ _Eight!"_

Erin squeezed Avery's shoulder. "You ready?" she whispered. Avery nodded. Her eyes were sparkly with anticipation and the reflection of the glow of the fairy lights and the screen in front of them.

"I am so ready," she whispered back, and she looped her arms around Erin's waist. She couldn't be happier, and she knew that in spite of everything, when she looked up at her foster mom, she was happy too.

 _"_ _Seven!"_

Erin looked up. Jay was walking through the crowds towards them, his eyes fixed on her. He was smiling softly, but his eyes were wide with a strange, vague, and spacey look on his face.

 _"_ _Six!"_

"Hi," he said. Erin stared at him. Avery smiled and turned to Natalie, who was standing on her other side.

 _"_ _Five!"_

"Hi," Erin breathed.

 _"_ _Four!"_

The seconds were passing, but time was standing still.

 _"_ _Three!"_

"Erin…" he murmured, and moved towards her.

 _"_ _Two!"_

Erin could see her own wide-eyed expression reflected in his blue eyes. _God, they were so blue._

 _"_ _One!"_ the crowd around them, their friends and family members and colleagues and children and brothers and sisters roared, and she could barely hear herself think as they welcomed in the new year in the loudest way they apparently knew how.

"Happy New Year," she grinned, and before she could even think about what she was doing, she had wrapped her arms around his neck and they were kissing, _here,_ in front of _everybody_ – in front of _Voight,_ and _Avery –_ but Erin had decided that she just didn't care. Not right now. Maybe she would care tomorrow when she woke up slightly hungover and trying to avoid the glares of Voight across the bullpen when they reported for duty at seven in the morning, but not right now.

Now, all she cared about was Jay.

* * *

The next day at work was nothing short of _hell._

Everyone in the unit was pissed off to be working on the first of January, but none more so than Erin and Jay.

After the party last night, they had excused themselves from the raucous inside so that they could talk (and make out a little more, too) outside the bar. Although it was freezing, the two of them had been too ecstatic to care, and they giggled as their breaths puffed out like clouds in front of them and danced across the crisp new year's air.

"So," Erin said, in between kisses.

Jay grinned. "So?"

He kissed her again, and _god,_ she had missed this – but, "Jay, come on. We need to _talk."_

"Fine, fine," he laughed, and held up his hands in surrender.

"I've missed you," Erin said shyly. In the days after Christmas, she had realized just how much. Although she'd convinced herself, and Avery too by the looks of things, she knew deep down that this wasn't the case, and she had become increasingly aware of it in the days that had passed since their kiss on Voight's doorstep.

"I've missed you too," he replied.

Erin sighed, and leaned into him. He kissed her on the forehead as her eyes shut. She breathed in his smell, taking a few moments of self-indulgence to satisfy the pit in her stomach that she had just now become so aware of, before she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.

"But Jay…nothing has changed."

He swallowed. "It has," he told her softly. "Erin, I love you. You know that. But I – I realized tonight – I think I realized a while ago actually, but I've just been in denial, and … and I – I love Avery, too. And I want to be a part of your lives. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize, I'm sorry I hurt you both so much, but I'm ready now. I am."

Erin shook her head. "Jay. It's not that simple anymore. You and I…our relationship was never – well, it was never _casual_. We dived straight in. And that worked for us, because we were both so broken that that was what we _needed_. But that's not gonna work for Avery."

"What are you saying?" Jay looked horrified.

She took his hand in her own and looked up into his eyes. "I'm not saying that this can never work, okay? I'm saying that maybe instead of diving in this time, we actually test the water. Go slowly."

"Go slowly," Jay repeated, mulling the idea over in his head. "Okay. I can do that. And then?"

"And then, we just see how it works out. We'll date, take things slow. Do all the things new couples normally do that we missed out on. Okay?"

Jay smiled. "Okay."

So now here they were. In the bullpen at seven in the morning, slightly hungover – and, sure enough, Voight was glowering slightly at Jay whenever he so much as looked at Erin, and vice versa. Nothing slipped past him.

* * *

It was five p.m. when they finally got the intel from one of Burgess's CIs that would allow them to progress further in the case they were working – robbery homicide in one of the rich areas of the city. It was a slow case, and they had been coordinating with the robbery unit since they found out that this gang had done this before.

"All right, everyone," Hank barked when he emerged from his office. "That was Robbery on the phone and they just got a track on one of our guys. Let's go suit up."

As the unit was leaving the office floor and down towards the locker rooms, Erin's cell phone rang. She frowned.

"Everything okay?" Jay asked.

"Yeah…it's Avery. I wasn't expecting her to call, I already told her I'd be back late – could you?" Jay nodded, knowing exactly what she was asking of him. They'd covered from each other so many times that it had become second nature.

"Avery?" Erin asked, ducking into a doorway and out of sight of Voight. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just walking home from school and I was wondering if you wanted me to order a pizza for dinner."

"Avery, I am perfectly capable of making us a nice, home-cooked meal."

Avery just snorted. "Um. Right. Is that a no?"

Erin sighed. "Pizza would be great."

"How is everyone one at work?" Avery asked knowingly.

"Oh, you know," Erin smiled. "Hungover, for the most part. But we're professionals."

"Of course," Avery laughed.

"Okay honey, well, I've gotta go. I'm not sure how late I'll be – I'll call you when I get back from this call, okay?"

"Sure," Avery smiled. "See you la –"

There was a soft cry and the line went silent.

"Avery?" Erin frowned, the panic rising in her voice. "Avery?"

There was no response, but Avery hadn't hung up; Erin heard the thud as the phone dropped, and the engine of a car, and then…nothing.

* * *

The second Erin followed the rest of the unit into the basement, Jay knew something was wrong. He looked up, and sure enough – she was running, flustered, bordering on _hysterical,_ as she made her way to Voight.

"Hank?" she cried. "Hank!"

Voight's head snapped up to look at her, but before he could ask what was wrong, Erin was holding up her phone.

"It's Avery. Something's wrong – really, really wrong. Hank, I'm worried."

The second Jay heard Avery's name, he was by Erin's side in a flash.

"What do you need?" Voight asked, immediately dropping what he was doing.

"I need…I need to find her phone, go and see where she is…" she wasn't even trying to hide her sobs now, which was how everyone knew that this was serious. The rest of the squad had abandoned all efforts to suit up.

"Erin," Jay whispered. "What happened?"

"Al!" Voight barked. "Call Robbery and tell 'em they're going without us."

Al saluted immediately and got to work.

"She…she rang me, to ask if I wanted p-pizza for dinner and then at – at the end of the call, there was a – a cry, and then…the line w-went dead."

Jay just wrapped his arms around her, choosing to ignore Voight, who was also choosing to ignore them.

"Everyone upstairs, _now!"_ he ordered, and they raced back to the bullpen.

Ruzek and Atwater jumped on the computer without even being asked to, logging on to try and track Avery's phone right away.

Erin went to the break room and made herself a cup of coffee, needing to get away from the rest of the unit. She had calmed down slightly, and needed the caffeine to clear her head from the exhaustion and fear that currently gripped her body. She wandered over to the window and stared out at the street below. It was five o'clock so it was already dark, but she could still make out the soft and hazy figures below.

 _Please be okay, Avery._

There was a small knock on the door. "Erin?" Jay said softly. "We've got her phone a couple blocks away from the school, in the direction of our pla—" he stopped himself. "Your place."

Erin swallowed. "Is it moving? Has it moved?"

She only had to look at Jay's face to know that the answer was no. "Well," her voice was tight and thick as she tried to choke back sobs. "Let's go."

But the whole unit knew what they'd find when they got there.

An empty, gray sidewalk, coated in that mix of ice and snow and grit and dirt that looked pretty from a distance but cold and lonely and sad up close.

And a single cell phone lying in the gutter.

Still ringing Erin's number.

They all knew what this meant.

Avery had been kidnapped.

 _ **END OF VOLUME I**_


End file.
